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I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

(TRIGGER WARNING)

I've been feeling very isolated and sort of distant from my friends, like no matter how close we are and how much they love and care for me, there's like an invisible wall separating us somehow and I don't know why I feel this way. I've self-harmed twice in the past two weeks and it is getting addicting and I'm scared but I don't want to stop because it's like a relief for me. I'm definitely not depressed (I'm generally a very happy person) so I feel like if I tell my friends, especially because one of my best friends is actually depressed, it will sound like I'm asking for attention and I don't want their pity or for them to act cautiously around me all of a sudden when I really need the opposite. I want to tell my parents but I'm scared they'll blow the situation out of proportion and think I'm depressed or think there's something wrong with me when I've only self-harmed two times but I'm also worried that if I don't tell them and I end up self-harming more, that we'll all end up more hurt than if I tell them now... I don't know who to tell or what to do so I'm ranting on here I'm sorry. Another thing, one of my best friends has been noticing I've been distant lately and she's been catching on. I'm scared she'll find out because she saw some small evidence of my self harm and I don't know how to open up to her properly but I feel the distance between us growing at times. I hope you know you're not alone in this struggle and I'm here to talk if you ever need it xx also if anyone reads this, please help me I don't know what to do....

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

Hey @catcatchocolate

 

That does sound really stressful and really scary, so I can totally understand why you're feeling anxious about this whole situation. You mentioned that you don't really feel depressed at the moment, but you are having urges to self harm, which might be a good idea to explore. Do you know what prompted you to start self-harming? Or what the drive is to keep self-harming? It is pretty concerning to hear that you have been hurting yourself, so I wanted to double check with how you're feeling tonight? Are you able to stay safe?

 

I think it might be a good idea to open up to your friends or someone you trust about this, so you can get the support you need right now Heart a lot of the time when we are going through a tough period, we feel it waaay before we actually consciously recognise how we are feeling. This might be a way your brain is telling you that you aren't feeling great right now, and you do need some extra support. It might be easier to open up to one person about it first and then go from there. It could also be a good idea to talk to a school counsellor, as they're super experienced with this sort of stuff, and I am sure they'll be able to help you talk through things and how you're feeling right now. 

Just as a quick heads up, I had to edit your post, as we avoid talking about any explicit details to self-harm as part of our guidelines. You can find our full guidelines here Smiley Happy 

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

@catcatchocolate hi there, so glad you could be here. It sounds like you are sitting in a really overwhelming headspace. If you can't tell your parents how you are feeling, do you have a trusted adult you can talk too? Or even a community resource? They might be able to help you address what triggers you to self-harm, as well as help you manage your friendship so your friends can support you without your boundaries being crossed or you feeling uncomfortable.

 

You can also follow @Andrea-RO 's advice too- there is some great stuff there. Also, you can use this thread to keep us updated on your journey- we are here to listen. 

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

Hey @catcatchocolate 

I am so proud that you could come on here to ask for some support. That is a great start! The world has been crazy this year so it is understanding that many people are struggling. 

A tik toker that I know has created a youtube playlist called 'How to Reach Out'. It basically is just videos from different support networks about reaching out for help. I can leave the link if I am allowed? (can a MOD please confirm this) @Jess-RO @Bre-RO @Hannah-RO 

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

Hey @catcatchocolate,

I just wanted to check in on how you're feeling now? Did you manage to tell someone what you've been experiencing lately?

I think its important to remember that your friends and family will not think any less of you for speaking up. In the past, I've had friends come to me with struggles similar to your own and I was more than happy to help. I did not judge or pity them but was proud of them for being brave enough to talk to me. I'm sure your parents and friends will respond in the same way!

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

UPDATE (TW)

To everyone who replied to my original post, thanks a million. I want to let you all know I'm doing better. In the time after I posted, I kept self-harming (I think maybe 2-3 more times). It became, and still is like my dirty secret because I was so ashamed to tell anyone how bad my mental health had become, I think partly because I was so pathetic and like my friends wouldn't understand why I hurt myself, and I think that I couldn't cope if my friends started acting like there was something wrong with me, or if they started to pity me ... I had a breakdown in school after PE last week because I decided to tell my mum about how I had been self-harming. My friends comforted me when I was crying but didn't press me (thankfully) when I told them it was super personal. The rest of the day felt crap because I kept imagining all the ways I could tell my parents, and they were all horrible to imagine because of how disappointed I thought they would be. That night I told my mum and I didn't say much just how I wasn't coping with the loneliness I was feeling and when I showed her my self-harm, I think that's when it truly set in how truly horrific the situation was. I can't explain the feeling when I finally told someone. It was a relief but also terribly embarrassing. My mum, working in a hospital, couldn't comprehend why I would do something like that to myself (she sees people with so many real and serious problems every day) and I know she was disappointed in me, even though she was supportive. Its been almost a week and some of my self-harm have healed Smiley Happy I think the healing process was the hardest because I felt so triggered seeing my own self-harm because all the feelings that lead me to self-harm come back and I want to self-harm again but I'm ashamed at the same time. I wrapped my leg for a few days so I wouldn't be triggered and I've found that snapping a rubber band on my wrist helps suppress urges to self-harm which I've found to be really helpful. Also drawing lines with a red pen on parts of my body where I want to self-harm has helped. I still feel disconnected from a lot of my friends but it's gotten a little easier to cope with it now that my parents know the worst of it. One thing I'm really horrified about is I went dancing class last week and wore long bike shorts but as I moved they rode up and I know some of my dance friends saw because this week some of them kept staring at my legs and my dance teacher pointed out a mark that hadn't faded on my thigh and asked what it was (I told her I slipped and fell). Thankfully none of them pushed or asked further because I probably would've been able to cope with telling anymore people. Thank you all who have read and replied to my post you don't know how much it means to know that there are people I can talk to... I'll probably keep updating my journey here so thank you all <3

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

Hello @catcatchocolate, thanks for keeping us updated here on the forums. I am sorry to hear about your experiences at school and in dance class. The staring and comments from your dance friends and teacher must have been hard to deal with, it is good to hear that they did not push you further on the topic Heart. It is so awesome to hear that you felt comfortable opening up to your parents about your mental health and self-harming. That is something that is not always easy to do, so you have been really brave in opening up to them. It sounds like they have been really supportive and caring of you and that you have been using some great coping strategies to manage the feelings that you have been experiencing. Sometimes distracting ourselves when we are not feeling great can be the best thing for us as it helps the feelings pass sooner. Please feel free to keep updating your journey here as we will be here to listen and support you Heart

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

Hi @catcatchocolate 

 

Thanks for updating us, we really appreciate it and understand that might of been hard for you. As you say, it's not going to get better straight away, sometimes privacy is really important as telling new people can be overwhelming and yes of course, feel free to update us with your journey too.

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

I just felt like sharing because I've had some awful flashbacks to the day I told my parents about my sh. Like I'll be lying in bed about to fall asleep and I'll suddenly have an awful feeling if dread and anxiety as I remember when I told them. They just seemed so disappointed and horrified even though they were supportive... I've mostly blocked the memory from my mind but it's started coming back and I try to act like it never happened cos I don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts about it with anyone which is why I'm ranting on here. I've had a very stressful week at school as I haven't been doing good enough I'm school and subconsciously the other day I started hurting my my leg but while I was doing it I kept remembering the times I sh and I got really scared but my friend noticed and she just held my hand without any questions. I'm scared of using a specific object and I don't use them anymore if I can help it. I'm happier lately and I've noticed how much healthier my thought process and mindset is. Thanks for your messages it makes me happy to read them <3

Re: I self harm but I'm not depressed (TW)

Hey @catcatchocolate, thank you for sharing that with us Heart It sounds like things have been really hard for you lately. School can cause a lot of stress, especially when grades are involved. I know it is hard but it sounds like you are trying your very best to get through it.

Sharing experiences of self-harm can be uncomfortable so I can understand why you are feeling a bit of dread and anxiety when you remember that moment. Even though your parents seemed a little shocked, it sounds like your friend was really supportive when you were scared which I imagine must have been really nice to have that comfort Smiley Happy

It is also great that you have noticed a change in your mindset too! That is such amazing progress. I am wondering if you have thought of chatting to a professional about some of these memories and thoughts coming back? They can work with you on ways to manage these types of things.

Just so you know, I have had to edit some details from your post as we don't allow members to chat about method of self harm. As in, you can't share how you harm yourself. If you have any questions, let us know.