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Identifying abusive behaviour in parents and relatives.

Hi all , 


"20 minute read"


During the university period my parents have called me on many seperate occasions  and have been ungrateful to me for taking the time to listen to both their problems. 


Usually discussing political isssues ( dad ) and mum ( explaining the deterioration of their marriage and feeling neglected).


I'm a commuter and they don't seem to recognise this is a tiring activity and walk a whole lot.  


When  I used my dads cash to buy noise cancelling headphones to actually listen to their conversation as i commute and live in a noisy area and hurt me by saying "Ooo expensive". I had to bike to uni often I was doing 50 km away and was poorly nourish and unprepared for this activity.


My mum feels entitled to my time and is somewhat angry that I've spoken in a more Australian accent due to my surrounding and hold less value to traditional culture.


My sister also joins the band wagon to beat me down and using my failure to justify her superiority.


Right now I'm in university in south east Asia and have lost my place in my Australian university 4 months ago putting financial insecurity as a main reason. 


And he keep saying "last chance ok bunny walks for uni."


I find it unfair that I had to listen to the damage both my parents cause to each other and be talked down to for not doing well in uni. They were not very supportive when I made friends or when adapt to a different cultures in Australia.


They do not disclose how long their conversation will take nor outline the problem.


This ruins my sleep@ and make planming inconsistent. Especially when do my chores and cooking in the share house. I felt emotionally burnt out.


They did not ask for an appointment and did not appreciate the time I took to care about their problems. And asked a refund From the university in my own time.


My sister is communicating that I am a cause of a financial strain . 


As a result I had to drop out of uni and restart a course in another country.


I have a south East Asian background and I understand this not the sort of acceptable behaviour in a western setting where boundaries are part of respectful relationship.


Im frustrated.


I would like to know what help is available in both Australia and Asia  .


how I can take action / responsibility of this situationand how do I communicate this problem to a professional right now I seeing a psychiatrist.


 I just feeling I'm being threaten for no good reason  and ignored for my support.

Re: Identifying abusive behaviour in parents and relatives.

Hi @BunnyWalks,

I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through with your family; it must be so hard to be stuck in the middle. I can really hear how much you have been holding on your shoulders supporting both parents at the moment- that's really tough Heart Thank you for your post- I hope that you find here you can share how you feel and know the community is beside you to support you through this Heart


It's really great to hear that you are interested in looking for support for you right now. There are lots of support options available to you in Australia. In Australia, the headspace centres are a good place to start for young people looking for support and locations can be found here. You can also talk to a GP for a referral to a health professional in your area. For services in Asia, you can check out our international services list and see if there are some in the country you are studying in. You mentioned studying overseas, is it something you can speak to student support about so they can refer to services relevant in the area?


I can see from your other thread that you do have some professionals you are accessing at the moment which is great! Smiley Happy I'm hearing that you are wanting some ideas on how to maximise your time with them and get the most you can out of the appointment, is this correct? Talking to professionals about what is happening in your family will be super helpful in getting the most out of the appointment. Here are some resources RO has about having tough conversations that might be helpful in starting the conversation with your psychiatrist. 


I will also open this conversation up to the community as I am sure there are other young people who too have had to start a conversation with their medical professionals about what is happening at home and with their families Heart

Did you know we have new Community Guidelines? You can check them out here

Re: Identifying abusive behaviour in parents and relatives.

Hey Jess message received and will read this whole thing soon.

I'm in a position where I don't have the confidence to call out bad behaviour and judge myself. I open to productive ways to face them.

Re: Identifying abusive behaviour in parents and relatives.

Hi @BunnyWalks sorry to hear you are having a tough time with your family and your studies at University. @Jess1-RO has suggested some great options in terms of resources to help with speaking to a psychiatrist. I'm wondering what are some ways you can look after yourself during this time? We're here to listen and support you Heart

Re: Identifying abusive behaviour in parents and relatives.

Right now I've deleted social media FB and Insta app and I'm able to examine my social interaction with my family and my emotions insych with how I am being treated. 


Mindfulness is there too and I would like to know other methods of self care too.


Also my mantra is that "I'm deserving of happiness and safety. I'm in charge of that. I can ask for it. There nothing wrong being in difficult spot "


Right now I post to reach out only and would like to know how I can take action to poor behaviour.


Lately I do notice my parents and elder sister did not demonstrate notible empathy,caring nor conditionless affection as a child.  


Both my parents are doctors by training by scholarship actually but have an intensely miserable relationship with each other. . my interactions with them my feeling are hurt and my boundaries are not respected.


Through out Uni  I had calls at 11PM. I took PT and I was terribly tired when I got back. It took me atleast 1 +hour of standing everyday and walking / riding.


When I got home I just wanted to nap and not cook out of the fatigue.


I don't think there is a third party in Malaysia to keep them on their toes unlike Australia where children have access to these sort services. It just a different society over here.


I suspect they have had poor parenting as I do notice there was a disregard to their feelings as well when they were kids.


For example my grandma called my dad ugly as a child. I interpret this as sociopathic to say but this pattern is recurring and I would like to take action. This only and observation tho.


I came back from Australia sounding more Anglo and mum was furious especially when I told her I didn't believed in organised religion.


@Lan-RO@@o I need some encouragement to stand up for myself ? I need some assertive language i can use for my life


I owe it to myself.



Re: Identifying abusive behaviour in parents and relatives.

Hey @Jess1-RO the list didn't have a number for Malaysia. Would you point me to that site?

Re: Identifying abusive behaviour in parents and relatives.

Hi @BunnyWalks,

Thank you for flagging that we don't currently have service information for Malaysia, unfortunately as we are an Australian based service, we do what we can to find some starting points for members outside of Australia, but we have little information about services beyond what we can find on websites.


I have had a look to see if we can at least give you a starting point to access support in Malaysia and this is what I could find for you. The Malaysian Mental Health Association Website has some information about services as well as an online community. There is also a website called Relate Malaysia that provides information about where to start in getting support for mental health. These might be good starting points to find local services. I would also really encourage you to see a doctor or health professional in your local area who can refer you to local services and will have more information about where the best services for your situation are.


I hope this is helpful!

Did you know we have new Community Guidelines? You can check them out here