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Im gay and some things have been hard on me lately

     I am 16 and a girl who goes to high school.I figured out I was gay like 3 years ago. I had my ups and downs and still having them. I lost friends but earned better ones on the way. Im not fully-out, just a copule of friends know. I have my best friend who has been supporting me for 2 years. She helped me accept myself,come out to other people and feel a little less abnormal. And she is not afraid to speak up about issues unlike me. I love her so dearly that I think I may be developing a crush on her but that's for some other time

   The thing is I've been thinking about coming out to my parents,should I or should I not. So to get a second oppinion I texted her about the issue knowing she would be helpful as always. When I explained it she seemed to be extremely against it since my family hasnt show any sign of supportiveness about lgbt community. Later she told me she had to sleep and told me to write out my thoughts and she will check them in the morning. Since it was very late I was sleepy and very emotional and my mind was not working well. I was like drunk texting her. So jumping into different topics I texted that I was so afraid of making her feel suffocated and smother her with all my wories. Even though I was not thinking at that moment it was an issue that bothered me. But all of this was like a 2 sentence of 100 one. Later i fall assleep.

    When i woke up I checked my phone and she didnt text anything about my so planned coming out to my parents. Just some texts about me being a basis gay (it is a joke that we made that i dont get offended) so I just laughed and denied it. Then she said "I'm gonna be serious" and I thought another joke was coming but instead she said "I really feel suffocated sometimes". She told me that she loved me so much that my problems sometimes can get too much for her. She even argued with her homophobic relatives just because their way of thinking. Told me that knowing that secret of mine is very hard for her and not something that she can share with ither people to get that out of her chest. She said imagining things like me being in love is just so tired and not something that makes her happy. And she told me I feel like letting me down in a situation you really care about. But me being me and caring so much about her, told her that it is not important, she has always been there for me and if it is too much for her that she can just leave it. I told her that I dont want to bother her in any way and even if I did it would damage our friendship. Later she told me that it is not just about me but she feels overdosed by me sometimes. She said that she regrets what she did just say cause she knows now Im not gonna open up. Ant that's the thing.

      And I dont know what to do, what to say. She was the one who always comforted me, who said I was normal, who made me feel normal. I guess I became a little depended on her about this things.And it really upsets me that me being gay is damaging everything in my life, even my best friend. I dont want to hurt her but I cant lie to her or bottle things up. I dont have other friends that know me that well and I've never talked them about my worries before. She built up my confidence about being gay but I feel like she destroyed it a little bit with her last words. And I am not comfortable with her like that. I dont want to ruin our friendship with exegrating something like that so I need a little advice. Even though you dont have anything to say thank you for hearing me out .


Re: Im gay and some things have been hard on me lately

Hey @sam5502, and thank you so much for sharing part of what's been going on for you. I'm hearing that this friend has been a huge support for you and the fact that she sometimes feel suffocated is quite a blow for you.

I think it's a sign of the strength of your friendship that she was able to be honest with you about how she was feeling.

Do you think it would be possible to give her some space, while still taking care of yourself? I'm wondering if you've ever spoken to a mental health professional about how tough things have been - is that something you'd consider?

Look forward to hearing from you Smiley Happy

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Im gay and some things have been hard on me lately

Hey there @sam5502 first up a big huge thank you for sharing this story.


There's a lot of pain happening right now, but also a lot of really incredible stuff. In terms of depending on her totally, it's actually pretty understandable in these situations. In fact, it's more common than not, even I myself have to be careful with my best friend who tends to take on a lot of my own issues around sexuality. So please know you're not alone and it's great you feel so safe with her Smiley Happy


I don't think you need to hide things from her, after all her concern was that you wouldn't open up to her anymore, it may just be she feels a lot of pressure being your only support. Maybe it's about communicating to her that as well as her, you'll find some other supports around the sexuality challenges, so that leaves a bit more room in your friendship to talk about  other things. Does this make sense?


For example in addition to her you could talk to the crew (free and confidentially) at QLife here. And also there's a big community at Minus18 that could help, here. QLife are particularly awesome, I had a chat to them myself on the phone one night, they made me feel like I really was heard Heart


Keen to hear from you. I am going to tag some other members for their insight as well. 

@redhead @DruidChild @Bee @lokifish @N1ghtW1ng


Re: Im gay and some things have been hard on me lately

Hey @sam5502,


I can understand how this would be pretty hard to deal with Smiley Sad you show a lot of self-awareness in your post and it seems like both you and your friend are doing the best you can Heart


Would you be comfortable chatting to QLife or Minus18 like @Bree-RO suggested? There's also Kids Helpline who've been really helpful for me in the past Smiley Happy

No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: Im gay and some things have been hard on me lately

Hi @sam5502


Everyone has their boundaries and we have to respect that, especially when it's your friends. They said they are suffocated not to put you down. They hope you understand what they are feeling because they might going through some of their own personal stuff. In the end they just don't have the energy for your stuff on top. 


The worst thing you can do in this situation is completely over reacted those words. You trust her and she trusts you, you give her your unfiltered feelings and vise versa. This is why we shouldn't depend on others, the only person we should depend on is ourselves. It's not really fair if we dump our our problems on to other people you know? Just pull back a bit, talk to her about some of your bigger issues and talk to other people, like on here at RO about the smaller issues you might be struggling with. 


Re: Im gay and some things have been hard on me lately

Hi @sam5502,


I just wanted to check in and see how you are going today? Reaffirming what @Bree-RO and @letitgo have said, have you had a chance to speak to any services or health professionals they mentioned? 


Thank you for posting what has been happening for you and I'm sorry to hear how painful it has been to hear all of this from your friend. I agree with what @letitgo said that it shows the strength of your friendship that they were able to be honest with you about what is happening for them, but at the same time we want to make sure you have somewhere you can go to for support. Let us know how you are going, there is lots of love, understanding and support here Heart


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Re: Im gay and some things have been hard on me lately

Hey there @sam5502 and welcome to the forums Smiley Happy

How has your week been? The other members here have offered some great advice, what do you think?