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Im not sure anymore.. tw?

This happend about a month ago i fucked up and lost basicly all my friends,  so it started on the school hollidays i wanted to hang out with them before school went back and before school started again i saw on there instagram (i just got insta again not to long before this happend so i was ofline for a long time) and snapchat storys that they all went to hang out like i dont mean like one or two of them.  It was basicly the whole group of them that went out and i didnt get asked,  and i know how pathetic i am for crying about this,  and i told my mum about it aswell,  then i was talking to one of them and i tryed to just ask it subtily becuse i didnt know how to ask,  but eventually i just came out and asked her it,  and she said they werent alowed to ask me to come becuse there parents didnt want me near them..  and it just hurt so much to hear that. I wasnt alowed near them at all outside of school i was only alowed near them druring school,  and at this point my mum was already getting my homeschooling stuff up so i couldnt see them at all,  so one day i was going to say "maybe we shouldnt be friends anymore" to them but i could hardly type those words and while i was trying to type those words i started crying like ive never done before and my mum heard me from the loundroom which was atlest 2 rooms away and when she came down i told her what was going on and then she got my phone and being the protectuve parent she was she was going off of my 2 ex friends and yeah she blocked them off of my acc but i unbloocked them the next day and i said we shouldnt be friends its best this was you dont want a suicidle friend,  a bad influence with you' or somthing like that,.  And even i said some mean stuff to them..  and i regret it so much i dont want to live without them they were like my family i miss them so much,  i miss talking to them,  hanging out with thwm..  i asked one of them really rudely "well why dont you go ask your mum why were not alowed to hang out anymore" becuse they didnt even know why.  Its all my fualt i want them back i wish i never asked why i wasnt invited out,  i just with i just lived with myself and not ask her,  they were one of my only reasons to live,  they helped me so much i dont know what to do anymore i want them back.  I want to say sorry but i have no means to contact them so i know im just going to have to live with this,  not seeing them again,.  And everytime i leave the house to go shoppong with mum i have really bad anxyity,  like what if i see thwm?  What will i do?  I dont know anymore... 

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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

I'm really sorry to hear you've lost almost all your friends @wolvesrunfree, that must feel really isolating for you Smiley Sad When you say their parents didn't want you near them, do you know why that was? Did they actually say it was because you are struggling with suicidal thoughts (I hear you said that to them, so wanted to know if they had told you that Smiley Sad )? It sounds really really tough to lose your supports. Why can't you contact them anymore? Have they blocked you? Could you even perhaps send them a letter or email to explain how hurt you were that you were excluded and that you were angry and said stuff you regret?

You mentioned that they were one of your only reasons to live, are you feeling safe at the moment? Do you have any other supports you can lean on for the time being?
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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 The live really near me but if i do make a letter and send it to them then they will probly tell there parents that i sent something and they blocked me too. And i donk know why they said that there not alowed near me they didnt even say why to there kids either and ive tryed to oof myself so that might be why? But i dont kno

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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

That sounds really awful @wolvesrunfree, I am sorry that your friends have put you thorugh this lately. I can't imagine how difficult things must be for you. It must be hard to not have the support from your friends right now, it sounds like your mum is involved in your life which is nice! Have you been able to talk to your mum or another family member about how you have been feeling lately?
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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

Hey @wolvesrunfree I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to you. Having a mental health downfall often does involve starting all over again and it's awful. It also sounds terrible that your friend's parents aren't letting you speak to them and not even telling them why! And I know it's hard when things happen and you want to apologise but don't know how.

 

I'm wondering if your mum or the school could help you get in contact with them just once and could explain to the parents what you want to say. Do you think you'd be okay writing them a letter that they might not be able to reply to? Another thing you could do is draft up a letter you would want to send and figure out if you can send it later. It's not the same but at least it might help you to get your feelings straight in your own head. Maybe you could even keep it on you in case you did see them.

 

Is there anything you can do to help your anxiety with going outside? Maybe going to different shops or at certain times where you won't see anyone you know?

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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

@Sophia-RO I can Only really talk to my mum and thats about it,  and i dont really think they put mw through this i think it was more my fualt and there parents fualt since they had no choice in there say if they wanted mw around or not.  I just really miss them

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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

@StormySeas17 Ive been thinking about someone from school who is still in contact with me kind of and thinking to ask them to pass a message along to them,  and theres really notjing to do about my anxiety even if i go out ehen its during school time i feel like they mifht not even be at school so i still get reallt nervous

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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

That would be such an awful thing for them to forbid their kids talking to you for, I really hope that isn't the reason Smiley Sad @wolvesrunfree... I guess most of this is out of your control, but asking your friend to pass on a message might be helpful?
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Re: Im not sure anymore.. tw?

Hey @wolvesrunfree I'm sorry that you're still feeling this way Smiley Sad It sounds like it might be possible to talk to that friend you're still in contact with about what they think would happen if you did pass on a message and whether they're comfortable doing it. As with your anxiety, I'm sorry to hear that it's so bad. I know some people find that writing up up a list of reasons why their anxiety is wrong and also make plans for what they can do if the worst possible scenario comes true helps to ease some of it. Do you think there's anyone you could talk to about how anxious you're feeling?