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Issues at home - don't know what to do anymore.

Hi everyone, so I'm 19 and a full time uni student, I also work part time. It's been just my mum and I since I was 5, my dad lives overseas and I don't get along with my siblings (all who have their own families now). I feel like I've always been the adult, ever since I was little I've had to deal with so much and worry about my mother because her issues always became mine. She constantly yells and swears at me for the most ridiculous things, she calls me a selfish bitch and that I'm good for nothing. I hate how she treats me. She'll call me in the day and bitch about something and pretty much try and make me fix her problems, like yesterday she got a flat tyre while I was away at the hospital with my boyfriend so she called me and started screaming about how she hates her life and wishes she was dead. She overreacts like crazy. Things have gotten worse since I've been with my boyfriend, that's now been nearly 2 years and he's absolutely amazing. He's so supportive and wonderful, He keeps me sane. My mum now uses him as an excuse to yell at me over nothing, she says my priorities have changed and that I don't care about her, it's like she just doesn't want me to grow up and move away from needing, but truth is I've been looking after myself for my whole life.Ever since I started working she borrows money, $500 at a one something because she guilts me and literally screams at me and calls me a c**t if I don't, she still hasn't paid me back from money she borrowed in January. I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't take how she treats me. But I know if I move out and in with my boyfriend (his parents are supportive and see me as the daughter they never had) I know she'll never talk to me again and I don't known if I can do that.. Do I be selfish and finally take care of myself or what? Smiley Sad

Re: Issues at home - don't know what to do anymore.

Hey @ifyoureabird 

 

Welcome to Reachout Smiley Happy 

 

It is so brave of you to share your story with us. It really sounds like you are going through something very difficult right now and it must be very frustrating and confusing to be in such a position. You don't deserve any kind of abuse and verbal and emotional abuse are not seen by they hurt as much as physical abuse. I think your mum calling all kinds of names is devastating to hear and you do not deserve that. 

 

Have you ever thought about writing her a letter, telling her how you feel about how she treats you? A letter might be better than speaking to her because then she cannot interrupt you. 

 

It sounds to me like she is scared of losing you and she wants to hold on for dear life. My mother is the same, she hates the idea of me not being in her life and in her control, always trying to keep me from living my life and then I made the decision which I felt was selfish at the time, I moved to a different state and then she just has to get used to it. I made the move for myself and it was not selfish but it was me living my life the way I wanted to. You have to live your life how you want to because its not your mother's life its yours. What good is it if you are not happy? 

 

She may not talk to you for a while but maybe with time she might get over it and get used to it but you cannot be afraid to live your life because you dont want to disappoint your mum. I would suggest being honest with her first and work out a way together where you can live peacefully but if that doesn't work then you have to take your life in your own hands and do what is best for you. 

 

I hope this helps 

Take care Smiley Happy 

 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: Issues at home - don't know what to do anymore.

Hi, thanks for your reply Smiley Happy

I've tried to many times to talk to her about things but she always finds a way to be nasty and throw something else back in my face. So I feel like I'll never get anywhere with her on that.

I've had depression for about 3 years now, which is controlled by medication but I find myself feeling so low at times when she goes off at me. Like last night we fought and she accused me of doing nothing for her, when I pretty much take care of everything, use my work money to pay bills, go to her cleaning jobs with her to help her out, I cancel my plans if she has to babysit my nieces etc. she even forced my hand to get a credit card so she could fix her car. I feel backed in a corner with her and like I can't cope.

I appreciate your reply and find that it's so true that she doesn't want to lose me as I'm all she has, but when she can't even be happy for me then I don't know how I can keep putting myself in such an unhappy environment.

Re: Issues at home - don't know what to do anymore.

Have you spoken to your siblings about her behaviour and asked for some support from them? You shouldn't have to shoulder your mums care, both financially and emotionally, on your own.

Re: Issues at home - don't know what to do anymore.

Hi ifyourabird

 

It must be increadibly frustrating to live with your mother and it seems to me that you are already looking at other options that may be better for you. It's perfectly natural for you to love and want to look after your mother and it shows that you have a very caring nature. Unfortunetly we tend to put our parents on a pedistal hoping that they would never do anything to harm their children but sometimes as in your case can be verbally and financialy abusive and NO ONE deserves to be treated like this. If you have tried talking to her about her behavior and continues to ignore your needs and feeling respectfully maybe its time to move out. Ultimatly your mother is responsible for herself and her behavior towards you and you should not feel guilty or feel like your betraying her by making your own disisions. You have show that you are more than capible at looking after yourself. If you do decide to move out I expect there will be hurt feelings on both sides and thing might be alittle bumpy for awhile. Hopefully you can have a happy healthy relationship with your mother in the future and i want to assure you that in no way are you selfish for wanting to be happy.

 

All the best

 

Kel

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Re: Issues at home - don't know what to do anymore.

Hi @ifyoureabird 

 

I just read your story and it resonated with me. I can't really offer you support because I pretty suck in the same type of relationship, but it is good to feel I am not all alone with an abusive mother. Hang in there! 

 

D.  

Re: Issues at home - don't know what to do anymore.

Hey @ifyoureabird 

 

I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you. It sounnds like you're dealing with a parent who has some pretty heavy behavioural issues. You've been dealing with her for a long time, you deserve a break.

 

By the sounds of what you wrote, you have all the answers you need. You have really good insight into your mum and why she does what she does. Which means you also know how unlikely it is that she will change any tiime soon. Not impossible but not worth holding out for.

 

Do you think it might be time to start looking at your alternative living arrangements? If you're very unhappy at home and you know there are other places you could live and not be locked in a daily conflict like you are with your mum, is that worth exploring? You're an adult now and all your choices are yours to make. You might find talking to someone you trust about your options and the pros and cons of moving out this might help you feel like things are getting better.

 

Smiley Happy