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It just won't stop

I've been suffering with depression for about 3 years now, and I've always known that it wouldn't get better overnight, but why does it have to take this long!?
Somedays I can't even breathe, but I have to get out of bed and get my self ready for the day/school, I have to try and put on a fake smile because I can't show everyone how miserable I really am!
Everyday I struggle to get out of bed, but I have to, because I've been brought up better than that!
I think about giving up at least 10 times a day, and I wish that I could just end it!
Everyone tells me that everything will be okay, but how am I meant to believe it when I keep feeling worse EVERYDAY?!?
I can't do this! Life is just to hard! I wish I could express how miserable I am in words, but I think that's impossible!
I just want it to stop! I need it to stop!! Please! πŸ˜ͺ

Re: It just won't stop

hey jess...

I know this feeling.  It can overwhelm and claim you if you let it.  I hear you're hurting and that's really hard to deal with.  I do know from experience that it does end.  Some days it creeps back in...but that's only if allow it to stay and envelope me.

 

The desire, motivation and will to change how you're feeling and living each day has to come from within you and when you are ready.  It's great to get advice from people and hear how it gets better...but really, how can anything get better and change if you don't personally take action and do anything about it?

I'm not sure of what your current situation is, but I am guessing you are at school and it's highly likely you're seeing a counsellor?  If not, I would definitely recommend getting in touch with one at school or maybe through headspace.org.au if you would feel more comfortable doing that.

I hope you have the support you need in at least one friend or family member.  It's a really difficult topic to talk about, but I know that my friends really got me through, even if I didn't tell them anything.  But just having them there really does make a difference.

 

 

Re: It just won't stop

I'm in year 10, and see a counsellor outside of school.

Re: It just won't stop

Again, I don't know your situation, but I've seen some people in a lot worse situations than yours, who are also sufferring from depression. They are a lot older than you, and their depression just seems endless.

 

But they carry on. They try new medications when the ones they have already tried don't work. I tried 3 different types before I tried the ones which worked for me. And even now I still have bouts of depression, albeit only every now and again, and only for a week or so.

 

I used to see a counsellor, and I thought it was helping, but really it wasn't. Eventually I went to see a psychologist, and their experience and methods were way beyond any counsellor. And even then I realised it would take years before I would begin to see the end of my depression.

 

You are only young. You have plenty of time to concentrate on your health as well as your education. High School is not the be all and end all of your life. And you can have a second crack at it if you don't get the grades you would like. One of my very good friends in yr 12 was repeating 3 subjects because she didn't get the grades she wanted the first time around. She wanted to be a pharmacist. About 8 years later, I walked into a pharmacy, and there she was behind the counter.

 

So take it easy on yourself. Give yourself a break. Speak to an adult about seeing a GP doctor and get a referral to see a specialist. Think about whether you would be willing to go on medication. It definitely worked for me.

Re: It just won't stop

They won't put on medication,
and please don't say that "you've seen people in worse situations than me who also have depression and are older but keep going"... Blah blah blah... depression is depression, and honestly it don't think it matters what a persons situation is, depression sucks, and it doesn't matter how old that person is either. Sorry, just just my opinion!
I try everyday, I could ended it any day, but I don't! And I won't! I wish I could, but I've been brought up to know that you don't give up when it gets tough! And even though I haven't given up, I wish that I could, everyday!

Re: It just won't stop

Hey @jess no-one 

 

I can definitely understand how frustrating it is β€” what you want is to at least feel like you're making progress.

 

Regardless of who is experiencing depression, some days can be better than others. Some days feel like you're doing great; other days feel like you've made no progress at all. It's important to maintain perspective and not forget how far you've come.

 

If you feel like you're not making any progress lately have you considered changing something? For example, can you get a referral to a psychologist?

Re: It just won't stop

I've seen the psychologist a couple of times, but I really don't like him. He only comes up for about 3 days a month so it's hard to get an appointment anyway.

Re: It just won't stop

EDIT: This was what I wrote first time around, and now that I read it, I realise I'm being a bit harsh...

 

I had kinda guessed you hadn't tried any medication, or given a real go at seeing a psychologist.

 

Just because you've seen one, and not liked him, doesn't mean that that wont work, or be helpful. I saw about a dozen psychiatrists before I saw one that I liked. You can't just say "I've seen one and that didn't work". Your depression isn't going to go away all on its own.

 

Why wont they put you on medication? Who is it that wont put you on medication? 

 

But which is more important? Your health? Or how difficult it is to see a psychiatrist?

 

Depression is a very serious illness, and people lose their lives because of it. If you make enough noise, people will listen.

 


EDIT: I'm sorry if I judged your situation. You are right, it doesn't matter who or what other people are going through. Its something I feel strongly about, and I don't know why I said it myself. So I apologise.

I guess I'm just fairly frustrated with my own situation at the moment. I have no idea whats wrong with me, only a brief glance at the symptoms, and I see two specialists, I've tried several medications, I talk to everyone I can, and I think about my illness constantly. I don't work, or go to school, it is all too much for me. If I could categorically say "I am Depressed and I don't know why." I would be so much further towards being healthy than where I am now. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, and worst of all, I can't trust my own thoughts since they have betrayed me in such a huge way over the last 10 years. My family no longer trusts me, and my doctors are puzzled as to what I am going through. I spend all of my appointments complaining about this or that, and I am met with a blank stare, and no real explanation of why it is occuring. 

 

What I should have said is that depression is a terrible thing to feel. There's no reason for it, and sometimes it doesn't go away. If you read the fact sheets, or search on wiki, or google depression, it will say there are treatments, and that most people will recover. What it wont tell you, is that for some, and particularly the people I know, mentall illness is a struggle we live with for our whole lives. There's no reason for it, and for some there is no cure or treatment.

 

But you have to be honest with yourself. Its the hardest thing I have to do in my life, and I wasn't being honest with myself when I responded you you reaching out. Which is what the website is for, and I apologise again.

 

I can relate to the fake smile. But after a while, I got sick of pretending that I was ok. When people asked me how I was, I just told them exactly how I felt. They asked me, I figured that they should be prepared for the answer. I stopped caring about how people would judge me because I had a mental illness. If they had a problem with it, it was going to be their problem, and not mine anymore.

 

But I'm not saying you should do this. Everyone is different. But one thing for certain, is that there is a massive stigma with mental illness, and there are a lot of ignorant and fearful people. So what I'm saying is that, if you think you have depression, and therefore you think you have a mental illness, whenever you talk about it to anyone, there is a chance that the stigma attached to it is going to come into play. Some people keep it a secret, some people try to avoid it coming up, and then there are people like me who try to educate everyone esle about mental illness.

 

And you don't have to decide how you are going to deal with it for yourself, but it will definitely be a major issue in your life from now on. I hope you find a way to deal with it, and everything else.

Re: It just won't stop

 

hi @jess no-one

i really agree with you - no one can compare people's depression and say one is  "worse" than another and you do not need people making assumptions about your health. thanks heaps for pointing that out, it's really important that everyone reading this knows that - especially the people who might never sign in or post but read about others to try and make sense of their own situation.

 

as hard and emtionally painful everything is right now, you've got strength, thats for sure. you've tried a psychologist and you see a counsellor and you've made it here to reachout to try and find the help that right's for you. Sounds like - despite it all - you've got the strength to keep trying to find help that';s right, and you keep getting up every day, even if you have to put on a fake smile - you keep at it and that is so impressive. Help is a journey and sometimes we hit barriers or pitfalls and sometimes the professionals do not get it right. If you feel like your treatment is not working or not right - tell them. Tell them you want to try something else, you have rights.

 

By the sounds of it you are maybe in a rural area, which makes things even tougher for you as you have limited access to services. Please make the most of the online services - if you ever are feeling overwhelmed and feel like giving up the kids helpline webchat or phone service can help you in a crisis - it's for anyone up to the age of 25. There is also some other online theraputic tools you could use like moodgym or e-couch.. There is also Beacon which has heaps of online apps/tools, websites etc reviewed by a panel of professionals so you might find something there that is helpful for you....

 

At the very least I really hope that you keep posting here, and keep reaching out...

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

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Re: It just won't stop

@tesla-weapon
There's only one psychiatrist person that comes to town, and he's already said no medication, and I don't know why.
I'm just scared that I'm gonna feel this miserable and depressed forever!
I'm just tired of everything, I'm tired of hiding it, tired of smiling, just tired!
I already know I have depression/mental illness, and I'm sick of the stigma, it not fair, physical illness' don't have a stigma, why does depression?

@Sophie-RO
Thanx, I just don't know how long I can hold on for... Suicide is so tempting! πŸ˜”