Re: It just won't stop
I know what its like to live in a rural town, and have a mental illness. I lived back in my home town for a while, and found there to be a complete lack of care.
But there are things you can do if you think you are getting a bad deal. Could you go to your GP and complain about the psychiatrist? Perhaps they could put you in touch with a district mental health team. Sometimes they are short staffed and pick and choose who they help (which really gets me going, so I wont start.)
But ultimately it shouldn't be up to just one guy to determine if you need to go on medication. I really don't understand why your condition is serious enough to see a psychiatrist and not warrant any medication. I would want to know exactly why he decided that, and then I would want to get a second opinion if I wasn't happy with the answers I got.
I realise getting a second opinion is probably nearly impossible, since there is only ever one specialist for any area, but its not totally impossible. And even talking to the psychiatrist again might be helpful, especially if you can tell him that your situation has only been getting worse. I would definitely try speaking to him again. I've found that some doctors have their own agenda when it comes to deciding what is best for their patients, but really thats not how it works. I've found that my recovery so far has been totally reliant on the choices that I have made, and the demands I have insisted from the doctors.
I can totally relate to it not being fair. I asked myself that exact question so many times. There's not really any good answers for it. The best answer I could come up with, was that if I could deal with my mental illness, then I could deal with anything life could throw at me.
One time, when I was in hospital, for about the 7th time. I was in the locked ward, and I was completely friggin out of my mind. A nurse came up to me, who I had met before, when my case worker was away on leave, and I found out that he was a mental health nurse, who had bipolar disorder, and who had been in my exact postion. He came up to me in the ward and said;
"I know you are thinking what else could go wrong, but what you need to know is that it can't really get any worse than this."
And he was right. I had lost all grip on reality, I was locked up for my safety and the safety of others, and I didn't think I was ever going to get better. But I knew it couldn't get any worse.
Perhaps your life could get worse, I don't know. But it sure as hell could get a bit better. Its not suddenly going to get better straight away, and you are going to have to really do your best if anything is going to change at all. But you would be surprised at all the little ways you can make a start to things getting better.
Start out by just living from one minute to the next. Do what you need to survive. Keep a little candle of burning hope inside you, and don't let it go out. Eventually you will be able to make it through an entire day, without losing control. And then you can start living day by day.
Re: It just won't stop
There's a psychiatrist that works at the hospital (he only usually works with adults) I had to see him when I was out into the hospital, he was meant to put me on medication, but never did... And he didn't tell me why.
When I got referred to my counsellor I had to go and get blood tests and stuff from the doctor, she also said no medication, and well I think she's left now anyway...
I've told my counsellor how bad I'm feeling, and she's still not helping... I could try and see someone else, but I'd have to wait for ages.
What happens if everything starts getting even worser? How am I gonna cope?
I'm trying to live, but it's so damn hard! 😪
Re: It just won't stop
You say you are trying to live? Just keep trying. That's all you can do. Put effort into surviving each moment at a time.
You can distract yourself, but that only lasts so long. But it does help. Try doing something you enjoy, and if you don't feel like it, then that's ok. That's what depression is all about.
In between keeping busy and distracted, try thinking about your situation. A lot of people get depressed because something happens in their lives. They broke up a relationship, they lost a relative, they lost their job, they lost their pet, they hate their job, they hate their school, they hate their friends, they find it impossible to live up to societies expectations, they are abused, they are assaulted, they feel aimless in life, they see no meaning in existence. All of these things can cause depression, and if you think about them in the wrong way, you can go into a downwards spiral. Thinking about loss or grief or depression and challenging your beliefs, is a good way to start improving.
Sometimes we are depressed for no reason, other than the chemicals in our brains tell us we should feel depressed. I get this all the time. For a long time I wasn't motivated to do anything. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, I didn't want to participate in anything, I didn't want to have any friends, or put up with my family any more. Until one day I started to think that I didn't want to live any more. I realised this was completely irrational, and I knew I had a mental illness. Something chemical going on in my brain. Because I had always felt like I wanted to be happy, and wanted to live and enjoy life. So the second I thought I might want to die instead, I knew it was irrational and that I needed help.
But even now I still get depressed. But I know it is just my moods swinging low. So I challenge the thoughts that say I shouldn't do this or shouldn't do that, and instead I do the things I like. I watch movies. I listen to music (even dark music) and I talk with friends, and some of them are really supportive and would talk to me about the way I feel whenever I like. This is what makes my depression subside, and my mood lifts, and I can go back to enjoying life again.
I would definitely wait to see a doctor again, even if it means waiting ages. Make an appointment with a GP. That will only take a day or so. And try to be honest with them. Tell them how serious your condition is, they have to listen to you, its their job. Tell them that the counselling isn't working. They have a duty of care to see that you are helped.
Do you think you could make an appointment with the GP? Do you think you are brave enough to tell them what has been going on in your head? You never know what you are capable of, until you try.
Re: It just won't stop
Hey, @jess no-one. Thanks for posting. I've only recently come on board as a Community Moderator at ReachOut.com. My younger brother took his own life a couple of months ago. A beautiful kid and young man, he had so, so much to offer. He had an extraordinary mind and talent for writing, for example. He could quote everybody from Darwin to Nietzsche to Hobbes to Jefferson to Churchill and Twain. And he could pick holes in their arguments like somebody who had studied them all their lives, advancing his arguments with such eloquence and force in his writing as to be impossible to resist. As well, he was a gun basketballer, and had a great sense of humour and a quick wit. I loved him more than anything in the world. I love him more than anything in the world. And I miss him more with every day that passes. You say suicide is tempting? I died with my brother on the day he suicided. I exist only as a ghost now. A shadow. A shell. I sometimes wonder on days when the sun is shining and his friends are around if he might wish he was still here? I'd do and give anything to bring him back.
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