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Just really struggling

hi guys I'm just in a really bad hole at the moment and need some support.

 

I believe i suffer from depression with some anxiety issues but i don't feel like im at the stage where i can talk to a doctor yet. Actually i can't really talk to anyone and thats a lot of the problem.

 

If i tell my family i know they will tell me i'm stupid, trust me they've done it before(not about depression, it was something else) but there's just no support from them.

I told my boss,who thinks she is being supportive and helpfull but really she has no idea how bad things really are and is just not that good at being supportive.

My colleagues don't even talk to me and there is no chance of getting any support from them.

So that leaves me looking for help from complete strangers.

 

This is a big step for me....but i need to take it! So here it goes

 

I feel angry or frustrated most of the time and the rest of the time i feel nothing, just tired i guess. I am taking this step because I'm scared of how bad it really is. I sat in front of my computer crying because i felt alone, helpless, scared and so lost. i have had bad thoughts going through my mind and lately they have been getting worse. so i am doing something about it. I'm worried that if i go to a doctor they will tell me i'm being silly or over exaggerating. Then again i'm also worried they'll tell me i'm not being silly and just try and prescribe the problem away. This is an issue for me because a) I struggle to swallow tablets and b) I don't agree with taking medications. Its ok for some but not me, i rarely take panadol unless i'm desperate.

 

I just cant keep doing this on my own anymore. I'm sick of pretending that i'm ok when i know that i'm not.

All everyone around me wants is for me to pretends it's going to be fine. My old boss use to say "Fake until you make it" even when she knew about all this but i feel like that was the worst thing for me to do. I dont wont to fake it anymore i actually want to know what it feels like to be happy.

 

I am generally a very independant person and struggle when it comes to asking for help. I know i need help, i know where i can get help but i don't know how to ask for it. It's like some insult if i can't do it on my own.  I'm scared.

 

I like phoenixes so i will use that analogy. A phoenix will get sick when it gets to the end of it's life and then burst into flames when its time has come and is reborn from the ashes. Thats what i feel like with all these feelings inside me. It's like i'm nearing the end of one life but i can still choose what the next one will be like and i want to be reborn from the ashes of this depression into something better then what i am now.

 

Re: Just really struggling

Hey @babybear! It takes a great deal of courage to take that first step and tell someone where you're at. It's even harder because for a lot of people the symptoms of depression can make it feel like getting help is hopeless (it's called the help negation effect).

 

There are many ways to work through depression and get to a better place, they don't have to include medication if you're not comfortable with that step. A GP is still definitely part of the process though and if they don't take you seriously, they're being negligent!  So i expect they will take you seriously! 

 

If you're able to share how you're feeling with a GP they can help you complete what's called a mental health plan which will include a bunch of things, and if you ask for it, some sessions with someone who can help you find a way out of the ashes.

 

With all that being said, it's okay to feel scared to have that conversation! What can we do to help you feel comfortable with a chat with a Doc?

Re: Just really struggling

Hey @babybear! Hope i didn't scare you off! How's it going today?

Re: Just really struggling

No you didn't scare me off. I had a good day and thought I was doing ok. The weekend was alright but being at work is hard at the moment. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. At least the bad thoughts are gone for now.

Re: Just really struggling

@babybear worklife, when it sucks it really really sucks, huh. There's lots of things you can do to work through these feelings.

 

I guess i was gently nudging you towards having a chat to a doctor about it. What were you thoughts on that?

 

It's okay if you aren't feeling up to that right now, although i want to try and help figure out if we can help you feel a bit more comfortable.

 

We can also think about some stuff you could do to help yourself too!

Re: Just really struggling

Im slowly working towards the doctors. I'm taking small steps and hopefully things will be a little better at work. My manager sat us down for a mediation yesterday and the girls are going to include me more so I will be socialising with them hopefully in and out of work. It's not much but after that things felt lighter so baby steps.

Re: Just really struggling

Spot on @babybear! One step at a time!

 

Do you want to talk about some stuff you can do to help yourself while you think a bit more about talking to doctors?