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Life is spiraling out of control and nobody knows how bad it is except me

Where do I even start. After a very happy experience in my childhood and high school - all it took was one girl to upend my whole life. I got hurt so bad I think even 8 years on, I’ve barely recovered.

 

I don’t even recognise myself when I think about the way I’ve been acting the past few years. I ended up getting myself into deep credit card debt because I kept buying things and going out to make myself feel better. And that debt has been snowballing ever since I started using my credit card in 2011. I dropped out of my medicine degree (which is what I truly wanted to do ever since being mature enough to make my own decision so) because the financial stress was so overbearing and ended up competing a commerce degree. I’m now in a well paying bank job but I absolutely hate this work - I feel like my life has very little impact on the world. All I’m doing it for is the paycheck, and I keep relapsing as spending it on cocaine (as I did tonight) so I’m barely making progress on paying down my debt despite being a high income earner. I finally took the strides to reapply to medicine, got top marks in my UCAT and my institution's admissions board is now looking at the possibility of allowing me back in. But I’m so worried about my debt. I don’t know what I’m going to do about servicing or paying back my debt if I’m back to uni. My parents (who aren’t very wealthy) gave me a lot of money but in my zombie depression over all those years I never made strides to put that money into paying off my debt. And now that I’m finally starting to feel like myself after making changes to my diet, exercise etc. I’m caught in a vicious cycle where I’m self aware enough to feel humongous, heart wrenching guilt over what I’ve been putting my family through. And I constantly end up doing drugs to give myself a temporary reprieve, but obviously that just makes me even more guilty long term and puts me deeper into debt. 

 

I went from a kid for which life was effortless, always made the right decisions, got excellent marks, was physically gifted, people liked me - to an utter train wreck who can’t even trust himself to not spend his entire paycheck within one week.

 

I don’t even know what I want out of this post. Maybe it’s a prayer, a hope that someone’s going to magically swoop in and help me turn my life around. My life had so much more potential than this, and I don’t even care about fulfilling my potential for myself. I want to do it for my parents. I cry at night thinking about how much I love them, and I have constant nightmares about what I’ve done to them. They’ve invested so much in me and even now, even after being such a fuck up they support me following my dreams - and they said they’ll do whatever they can financially to support me. My mum had cancer, and literally less than 6 months after she was given the all clear - they’ve found another seperate cancer in her. And yet, she’s more concerned about me and my happiness. She talks to my sister about how worried she is about me, and how much she wants me to be happy. How can I climb out of this hole? I’m an extreme, EXTREME introvert who has always bottled my emotions - the loneliness I feel everyday is soul crushing. Putting on the facade day in day out at work makes me want to suicide. Unfortunately, sometimes I mean that literally. I would’ve done it long ago if not for the knowledge that it would destroy my parents, and I care about their happiness above anything in this world. 

 

Its just so exhausting to fight this battle myself. I’m sorry for the massive rant, I know I’ve been very disjointed, but that’s how my mind feels all the time. There’s so much coming at me from all angles. I hate having to reach out to people for help. I hate that I haven’t been able to do this myself. I hate that I can’t trust myself. It’s an incredibly selfish thought because I’m too much of a train wreck to offer value to anyone’s life, but I’m really hoping somewhere in here is someone who’s been through what I have and come out the other side. Please help me. I know what to do. But the second my depression becomes too much I ignore my higher thinking, and it’s all about whatever can make me feel good enough that I can function. I feel like I’m constantly on a precipice, where I could either completely turn my life around and look back on this whole period as a lesson to myself, or I could go the complete other way...and I don’t even want to think about what awaits my family down that end. I feel like still inside me is the kind, intelligent person I used to be. But it’s constantly at odds with my crippling depression and my need to feel good, even if it’s only for a few hours. I’ve only told some friends snippets about what I’m going through, but I don’t want to tell them everything. I don’t want them to feel burdened with my problems so that’s not an option for me. Is it selfish that at this stage, I just want somebody to handhold me and my actions until I build enough positive momentum to take control of my own life? 

 

Re: Life is spiraling out of control and nobody knows how bad it is except me

Hi @RMF092,

 

Welcome to the ReachOut Forums and thank you for sharing your story with us. It was very brave for you to express how you're feeling. It sounds like you're going through a really hard time, and I want you to know that you don't have to be going through this alone. There is so much support out there, and there is definitely nothing wrong with receiving some guidance until you're well enough to do "life" alone. People definitely can and do recover from situations like this, especially if they have the right supports in place. 

 

It might be best if you set up some professional support. You can start by seeing a GP, who can get a mental health plan organised for you, and recommend a suitable psychologist in your area. There are also many helplines that you can call such as Kids Helpline, Lifeline, Suicide Call Back Service - all of which offer free one-on-one telephone and chat support (see our help page here for contact details). These helplines are often good to use in conjunction with receiving face-to-face support. For example, if you're feeling down, but your psychologists appointment isn't until next week, then you can always call the helplines for additional support.

 

There are many other ways to get help, but I think I have given you enough to focus on for now. How are you feeling about these suggestions? Do you feel confident to take these steps?

 

If it's all a bit too daunting, you might want to ask a friend or relative for help. It's sounds like you have a very caring and supportive family which will definitely assist with recovery. You are also always welcome to post here for support too - we have a community of amazing, non-judgmental, and welcoming people who provide words of encouragement, empathy and support to others on the daily. We are here to support you throughout your journey Heart.

 

Lastly, I've had to do some minor edits to your post so it aligns with our community guidelines, which can be found here

Re: Life is spiraling out of control and nobody knows how bad it is except me

Hi @RMF092! Welcome to the forums!

It sounds like you've gone through a lot. I'm really sorry about everything, especially your mother's cancer. I really hope she gets better. Heart
Credit card debt can also be so crippling. I can also relate to how hard it is being an overachiever. Smiley Sad

I don't think it's ever too late to study something that you're passionate about. Many people who study medicine do so after getting another degree first anyway. I know plenty of people who didn't become doctors until later in life. Is there any way you can apply for a scholarship or a Commonwealth supported place to ease some of the debt? There might be some suggestions on the university's website.

Are you able to get advice from a financial advisor regarding your debt? My family has one and I've personally found his advice helpful. There might be a lot of resources online for young people regarding financial advice. This tool can suggest some services in your local area, for example.

If you want to change your drug use, I can also show you some resources which can provide some help and suggestions.

I think @Maddy-RO's advice is great too! I agree that seeing your GP is a good place to start.

Re: Life is spiraling out of control and nobody knows how bad it is except me

Thank you both. It’s a bit embarrassing reading that post with a clearer mind, but I can’t express how kind it is for anyone to have taken the time to read through that confusing mess and to craft a thoughtful and considered response to it.

 

Hopefully one day I’ll find the strength to get myself in order, and I’ll be able to pay this forward by helping someone as lost as I am now.