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My Life Has No Meaning

So I've struggled a lot over the past little while, school is strssful, my relationship is hard, everyone hates me and well basically it's just getting worse. It started about a year ago, I'm not really sure how or why but a while ago it got to the point where I would self-harm to feel something, and also to release a bit of the pain I feel in my chest ALL THE TIME. For a while it was okay though, but the past week I seem to have just lost the will to live. I no longer want a future, or anything I always used to want (university, good job, to live with and marry my boyfriend, have kids, all that stuff). 

My boyfriend of nearly two years is also struggling with stuff as well, and I'm trying to help him but he doesn't let me help him, and it's my fault in the first place why he's having a hard time. I wish I could just die, or never have existed. I love him so much and I know he loves me but we fight so much. He also threatens to tell my parents about me struggling. He knows pretty much everything and he wants me to get help but I can't let anyone know, it's hard to explain but if my parents knew anything was wrong it would make everything so much worse. 

What do I do? I love him and want to help him, but I'm the reason he's like this and I should leave but i really need him so bad and I just want to die. I've just started self-harming in a different way too...and I haven't told anyone not even my boyfriend and I'm scared if he finds out he'll tell someone or he'll leave me or he'll hate me. 

I don't know what to do.

Help me

I'm sorry for being such a waste of space and time. I wish I was never born.

I've lost my will to live

Don't really have any clue about this but I need some help I don't know what to do. This whole thing has been really up and down I've had bad times where I'veself harmed and hated life and everything and everyone. But it hasn't been that bad lately except for about a week I'm not really sure what happened but I've just lost my will to live I don't want a future I don't want to go to university anymore (I'm in grade 12 potential OP1 and I've never knowwn a time when uni wasn't the plan). My boyfriend tries I guess but  he's struggling too and that's hard for me too that I have to support and look after him but really I'm just ruining his life I make everything worse for everyone and I don't know what to do I want to just end my existence it would make everythig so much easier for everyone and I just can't do life anymore I don't want to.

Re: I've lost my will to live

Hey @Ed Squared thanks for writing this and sharing how you're feeling, i know that can be so tough to do and you're awesome and brave for doing that. Just letting you know that I edited some of the specific self-harm references out just because some people who are recovering from self-harm stuff can find it a bit triggering. Don't stress, you're not in trouble or anything!

 

When there's so much tough stuff going on in life -and so few ways to deal with it- the pain can be pretty huge, a lot of people feel like ending their life at times like this, and some people also use self-harm as a way to "cope" with the pain and stress of the situation.

 

There are other- solutions though! We can help you find them Smiley Happy

 

I am wondering if we can talk a little bit about other ways to deal with this pain and some options for a bit more support - if you'd like that?

 

But fist I just want to ask a couple of questions and ask you to call someone for me.

 

Here's the question, have you ever felt like ending your life? Have those thoughts ever turned into a plan?

 

And here's the people i would like you to call. They're called Suicide Callback Service and you can chat to them via text, video or the old fashioned way - on the phone. The reason i'm suggesting them is they can talk to you one on one, are really good listeners and know lots of ways to help deal with the pain in ways that you might not know about just yet. Are you okay with calling them?

 

 

 

Re: I've lost my will to live

Thank you for getting back to me. Sorry I didn't know about that I won't say anything like that again...

 

I can't call anyone I never have privacy plus I wouldn't know what to say. I'm much better with written word than spoken...that's why I came here. I also don't have any phone credit for text.

 

And to answer your questions, yes I have wanted to. And I've kind of made plans I have a lot of ideas and I've sorted of half heartedly tried some -- never really seriously I'm too scared. 

 

I guess we can talk about other ways and stuff, anything to make the pain in my chest go away. 

 

I'm sorry I'm such a failure...thank you for listening though at least someone cares.

Re: I've lost my will to live

Hey @Ed Squared! Thanks for writing back so quick.

 

SCBS has a web-chat where you can type to a counsellor person, so while i'm not saying you have to, i encourage you to have a go, because they are so supportive and will help a lot Smiley Happy

 

This is where the Web-Chat is.

 

I want you to know that i don't think you're a failure, i think it's amazing that you are finding ways to deal with this pain despite how hard it can be to do anything when a person is feeling like this! I think you're awesome, brave and tough and you deserve the support the people on this site and SCBS want to give to you Smiley Happy

 

I'd like to talk to you a bit more about the really tough times first and how to stay safe during them and cope or distract yourself from the big feelings. Then we can kind of work our way down to finding some skills and other options for the painful feelings.

 

First things first, I'd like to help you write a safety plan, are you interested in doing that with me?

 

 

Re: I've lost my will to live

Hey

Thank you I will check that out.

The thing is I'm not dealing with the pain except to hurt myself and those around me. Nothing is stopping the pain in my chest and it hurts so bad I can't deal with it. I'm not brave or tough I'm weak and miserable and I just want it to end.

What's a safety plan?

Re: I've lost my will to live

When people feel like ending their life, it's often when the pain is so great that it might feel like the only way to make things stop. It's a pretty permanent solution to a problem that we can solve in other ways though and a safety plan is just the very first step you can take in finding those ways.

 

A safety plan is a way of getting through that point in time when things just feel so overwhelming, it includes a lot of different ingredients that can all help you with that goal! It's not  the complete solution to the problem, but it's a very important starting point.

 

There's a few ingredients to a safety plan. I can help you get started.

 

What are some of the things you absolutely love doing, that you can just get completely absorbed in?

 

For me for example, it can just be something really simple like reading a good book. I can start reading, and get so engrossed in the book that I look up what seems like minutes later only to realise a whole hour has passed!

 

Are there some things that you love doing so much that they take you away from the moment like that? List as many as you can for me!

 

 

 

 

Re: I've lost my will to live

Hey @Ed Squared how are you feeling? Did you manage to get in touch with SCBS on web chat?

Re: I've lost my will to live

Hey @Ed Squared I wanted to talk a bit more about safety plans here. Here's a fantastic article explaining safety plans and how they work:

 

http://au.reachout.com/make-your-own-safe-plan

 

I can also share an example of a great safety plan that a RO member currently has so you can see what it looks like. This safety plan helps them identify what they are feeling and the possible underlying reasons/triggers. From there, they can make the choice to take actions that will help them cope with those feelings and thoughts safely. 

 

You can start a safety plan for yourself. The first draft might not be as extensive as the one above but it will be a start. That way you would have something concrete written down that you could refer to when going through pain and feeling stuck. Your safety plan will evolve and change as you get to better understand your feelings/thoughts and how you deal with them. How does that sound to you?

Re: I've lost my will to live

Hey @Ed Squared! Just checking in, if you ever want to talk more you'll always be welcome. We care about you heaps and would love to help you find ways to work through what's happening for you Smiley Happy