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My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Don't mind the strange subject I couldn't think of anything that I didn't feel was stupid or retarded, that everyone was going to look at and be like she's a freak. So I made it extremely ridiculous yet relevant on purpose. 

 

Is it sad that I can't remember the last time I was happy. Your smiling, laughing or whatever, but you can't feel the happiness. Some days it's just neutral mode, you don't feel much at all really, your just a void of emptiness. Then there are times where your low and your pretty much in a f-this mode and you just don't understand. I get agitated, annoyed, angry over the tiniest things. I'm not motivated. I'm too scared to go outside, meet people, get a job. I OD'd in yr 10 I was asking for help, because I cant say it verbally. No one did anything just threatened me if I did it again I couldn't go back to school, so out of fear I went back to pretending I was okay. No one has ever made me feel wanted. Never made me feel like someone cares about me. Even if they "may" my mind wont believe it. No one asks me how I'm feeling, how my day was. No one ever wants to talk to me about that stuff. I get paranoid that there is people constantly following me, I can't sleep in my own bedroom because I'm afraid that someone is going to climb through the window and stab me. And my house creeks alot sounds like someone is walking around. I can't talk to authority figures because they scare the shit out of me. I have spoken to school councillors but time and time again I get too scared to actually tell them whats bugging me, and I feel as if I'm a waste of their time anyway. I hate talking to people like that, I feel as if I'm on show and its just a big comedy. People are always telling me what to do, since I've just graduated high school they expect me to go out get a job, do everything for them, because "I have soo much free time". Which I kind of do but I'm too scared to get a job and I don't really feel the time pass it goes soo quickly I woke up at 6.00 this morning its not 4.55pm I haven't left this spot on the couch since I woke up. I can't control anything anymore, I can't control my eating habits, my own life, I dont understand why. 

 

I feel guilty I feel so shit about myself and my life. I think I'm selfish to feel this way because nothing extremely bad has happened to me I haven't been raped, I haven't lost anyone I love...

 

Thing is I just want someone to understand and hold me tight but I'm not that lucky.

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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Hi endommage (cool name; did you know it also sometimes means 'flawless'?)

 

Let me say that I totally understand this. I have been where you are, and I know I'm not the only one on this forum who can say that. Everyone's journey back from this point has been different but there's a common thread: at some point we shared with someone how we really felt. That's exactly what you're doing now, so kudos to you! Smiley Very Happy

 

My story about that goes like this: When I was straight out of high school, I tried to study but I hated it. I stopped going and just spent all day on the couch doing nothing. I felt bad about myself, about my life; I was paranoid, I felt weird. Back then (it wasn't *that* long ago, but still) the services for handling someone like me who felt that way were pretty non-existent. But I found people to talk to in forums online for my favourite band; I talked about how I felt, others shared similar feelings, and, with their help, I pulled myself out of it. Some of them I ended up meeting face-to-face (a few years later) but most of them I've never met and probably never will.

 

It's hard to tell someone about how you feel but the only way someone can help is to know what's going on. You're not actually on show with the school counsellor but I get why you feel that way. What about a counsellor that's not at school? You can see your doctor and he/she can give you a referral. The catch is that you'll still need to tell 'em what's up. You've done it once for us here, so that's a start. Smiley Happy

 

If you don't like doing it face-to-face, have you considered calling Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800)? It's a great way for you to anonymously just let it all out to someone who listens and can offer advice and understanding. They have an online chat thing, too.

 

Understand this: you're not alone in how you feel. 

 

At the very least I want to know: How was your day? Smiley Wink

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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Yeah well its not intentional to be "flawless". The thing is I'll be letting down my Dad if he found out I feel like this. My sister and mum both cause too much drama . And he's like "I hope  you don't go to all this trouble". As well I do want to study next yr but I missed out on getting into the course by 5% on my english score. I don't want totalk to a doctor, especially because of how I was treated last time. I've spoken to eheadspace online but you can't get in for like two weeks. Anyway tooscared to talk to someone. 

 

My day was shit I sat on the computer watched movies waited for tumblr to work for 5 hours. I cleaned the house and I still don't feel a thing. I used to be content going on the internet blogging and all that jazz now its dead.

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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Life does seem to get that way sometimes, when the days just seem so bleak and boring and anything we do all appears to be for nothing. It's in these times that I've found the need to change something drastic in life to find out what I want to do with my life and my passions

 

Is there anything that you love to do? Or would like to do?

I see that you wrote that you want to study. In that case are there any pathways that you can go through to eventually reach that course?

 

I know it's hard but sometimes you need to challenge yourself -to step out of your comfort zone and explore to find out what you love and want to do with your life.

 

By taking the steps here to post how you've been feeling I think you've already taken some big steps to better understand your own situation and hopefully gained some more confidence in expressing them to someone who can help.


If you still feel that you are unable to chat to someone face to face, we'll be here for you.

All the best endommage Smiley Happy

 

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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Hey endommage 

 

One thing that I've noticed is that you said you cant talk to anyone and I feel coming on the forums shows you have guts and you want to work through this and thats important be proud of yourself for that.

 

It's terrible that you are feeling alone and are feeling like no one wants you or cares about you. It's also sad that you have lost interest in blogging and doing your thing online. There is so much going on for you, have you thought about writing things out and working through them like step by step? 

 

When my day is going bad I remind myself of one good thing, check out this thread it really makes you try to think positive about your situation, it might help you CLICK HERE 

 

Also can you do something else that you like or haven't tried but always wanted to like going for a run, meditating, exercising, reading etc.? 

 

We welcome you with open arms and we are here to support and encourage you so you are not alone, I hope you believe that Smiley Happy 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Hi Endommage,

 

Reading through your post, I couldn't help but notice that I'd been through some of the exact things that you're going through right now. While I can't say I fully understand everything you're thinking and going through, I just wanted you to know that other people have experienced similar things to you before and that I have faith in your ability to get help.

 

As ruenhonx said, while you say you are too scared to talk to someone, the fact that you are sharing your story to us obviously shows that you are not too scared and and more brave than a lot of other people. As Lex mentioned, I also think that you should see a counsellor so you can talk through these things. You've been brave enough to share all this with us; I believe that you can share this with a counsellor as well.

 

Like you, I've felt that I was selfish because my problems weren't high up on some 'imaginary' magnitude chart before. But this doesn't invalidate our experience; we're all unique human beings and everything we feel is our own. I personally think it's awesome that you can think this because it shows that you' re self-aware and have great perspective on things.

 

Like I said earlier, I've been through some of the things you mentioned, and I've there's a lot of stuff that I've done which I believe helped a lot. While we're all different and have different solutions to our problems, I still think they may be useful. I agree with everything that michine and ruenhonx said. Going out of your comfort zone and doing new things is rewarding on many levels. I can personally attest that reading is a great activity; I feel like I am experiencing many lifetimes and utilising my imagination to the fullest.

 

I wanted to stress again that you're doing great by sharing your story with us; I really believe that you're on the correct path to helping yourself and this is something that not enough people do.

 

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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

I was okay with writing about myself because I thought this was pretty anonymous. And writing about something never seems  as real as saying it, when I'm saying it it seems like a story I have concocted.  Then I found out about your IP Tracking crap, so I located where my IP was and its pretty spot on. Privacy obviously zero... I have to ask do you have software that can hack into our webcam, because I'm not okay with people staring at me. 

 

I can get into University through alternate pathways like doing another shitty tafe course for another shitty year. But I hate doing tafe because after getting my Cert IV in Business and apparently having no use in getting me into University I cbf. Running and Excercising is not part of my life... ever. Meditation just seems like a big joke. Reading I used too alot but I pefer movies and I feel like a little hermit person reading all day alone, yet again I do spend all day alone on the internet but atleast i talk to people on the internet. If I read I only like to read about Teen issues but whatever. I do like listening to music but I don't have a ipod and I cant take it around with me unless I have my laptop, plus you have to pay for music now because they've pretty much ruined any chance of getting them off youtube. 

 

Ruenhox you say writing everything out and working on them step by step, that sounds like a alternative way of saying goals I've never been able to do goals I don't like writing them out or thinking about them because I never follow up on them plus I fail. 

 

Thanks for all your advice. I'm sorry if I sound sarcastic or whatever in this message I don't really want to be sometimes my writing changes depending on my mood I'm already in. Anyway yeahh...

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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Hey endommage 

 

Glad you came back Smiley Happy 

Privacy is a really big issue for me too and ReachOut understands and respects privacy but we also have a duty of care and if someone got hurt of hurt others we need to alert someone to go and help them. So please feel free to be open with us we are all anonymous and RO encourages that. 

 

So there are some things you dont want to do but you said you prefer movies, going on the internet and you like music so focus on the things that you enjoy for now and work on them. If writing is not your thing, that's fine you know you better than anyone else so work on you by finding what works for you. What else do you like doing? 

 

You are here, that is all that matters and we are always going to support you Smiley Happy 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage

Hey Endommage,

 

I read this post an I saw myself where I was last year. I too thought some things seemed like a huge joke. It takes a long journey to recovery, and recovery isn't always smooth sailing.

I too felt as though I couldn't talk to anyone, and I still feel that way. It's like there is people around me but I don't want to dissappoint them. It can be hard to let people in and I'm slowly learning how to. It was only through the constant communication, at first the constant emails and recently the constant web chats with KHL (kidshelp.com.au) that I've been able to slowly start letting people in.

 

I know what it's like to loose all interests. I know what it's like to have the day disappear before your own eyes. It can be tough. No one said life would be easy. And from what you've said here it looks like you've discovered this. Trying to regain interest in something that you once enjoyed can be all so difficult, for me it seemed better back when I used to enjoy it, and it just didn't feel as good as it used to. Cutting up paper and glueing them all over a page to create a mosaic didn't feel as good as it did when I when I finished to when I started about a week prior. Through years 8 and 9 I was in love with photography, slowly throughout year 10 I lost the love, now it doesn't bring the same joy. It was a slow process and there was many factors resulting in my loss of love.

 


@endommage wrote:

Ruenhox you say writing everything out and working on them step by step, that sounds like a alternative way of saying goals I've never been able to do goals I don't like writing them out or thinking about them because I never follow up on them plus I fail. 


You've said here that you can't do goals... What would it be like to try a couple? I'm not talking about huge ones, simple ones. Ones that you know you'll have to face within the week and see how you go with them... I do that. When I've got an assessment task comming up, I give myself a goal to keep calm and approach it in a positive attitude. And I do. It's a goal I know I'll most likely achieve, it's just the act of achieving what I've written down.

 

I hope this helps in any way Smiley Happy


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: My heart is as cold as a frozen sausage


@endommage wrote:

 

 Ruenhox you say writing everything out and working on them step by step, that sounds like a alternative way of saying goals I've never been able to do goals I don't like writing them out or thinking about them because I never follow up on them plus I fail. 

 

Thanks for all your advice. I'm sorry if I sound sarcastic or whatever in this message I don't really want to be sometimes my writing changes depending on my mood I'm already in. Anyway yeahh...


Hey endommage

 

I get what you mean when the word 'goals' just put you off because I dislike goals too. I do have to admit, goals are things that get you somewhere so...

What I've recently learnt about goals is that, it needs to be S.M.A.R.T so we don't set ourselves up for failure. 

Let me give you an example:

 

Goal: I have to finish reading a manual related to work

 

S.M.A.R.T:

Specific (What is my goal): I want to finish reading manual for work

 

Manageable (How do I keep it within my capability): Have music on loud to keep me going

 

Achievable (achievable goal = break into small pieces): I have 10 pages with 2 days till Sunday, I will do 5 pages each day, inserting a break (probably chocolate) after 2.5 pages read

 

Relevant (the point of the goal): I need it for work + co workers already know the stuff, I need to know the stuff too

 

Time-bound (target date): Finish by Sunday (16th)

 

Give it a try endommage! I know you can do it!