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My story

Hi, so I'm only new and haven't really posted before so if I'm doing this wrong, I'm sorry. BEWARE, this story is loonnnnggg.
I haven't really talked about this whole thing with anyone, but there's a first time for everything right.Well I guess I should just start from the start (duh), when I was about 3 or 4, my mum started me into dancing. And it was all fun and cute and stuff but I never really wanted to do that. I wanted to ride my horses and my bikes (very cliché I know) but mum would always say "girls are supposed to be clean, that stuff will get you dirty". So I stayed with dancing till I was about 10 and we moved, so my dance school transferred me to a professional ballet boarding school for young people I guess but because I was fairly young, and my "ability" was at a higher level, I was put in a class of girl much older than me, most ranged from 12-15. All these girls were taller, skinnier and much prettier than I was. They had the top range of dance wear which I had only dreamed about. (This is dragging on, I'll hurry up). So anyway with these new older girls, they would pick on me for being fat and ugly and smaller than them. They would sabotage my pointe shoes or my dresses by swapping them or hiding them during a show. The bullying intensified and soon it moved on from emotional and mental and became physical. They would push me around and hit me, scratch, bite whatever. One girl even hit me over the head with her pointe shoe. It became too much. So one night, about a week after my 12th birthday I thought, well I deserve them hurting me so why shouldn't I hurt myself. So began the self harm. I went to class one day and to cover it I had to wear full length tights and a long sleeve leotard. Of course I got teased for that too. Anyway that continued for a while up until one day in 2012. It was summer and I was wearing full cover clothing. My teacher (still not sure of this was done out of simply being mean or for my own good) ordered me to remove my tights as it was summer and we have to practice in our tutus for our mid year show. I did and EVERYONE just stared. Didn't make a noise. The teacher just said "class dismissed" That afternoon the principal rang my parents and told them I was being expelled. She said "the girls can't be exposed to this kind of irrational behavior. I'm sorry". So we moved back to our old town and I started school. I never really got bullied at this school but I continued self harming internally. I made friends with a not so good group of people. My parents argued constantly about everything, especially who "messed up" with me. So I would stay out till all hours of the morning drinking, taking god knows what. And one night I got home
And my mum was on the couch crying. She said "your dad is leaving, he can't handle us anymore".( I'm going to cut this bit short because I really can't talk
about it) But that night I tried to commit suicide. I went to hospital and tried again there. They put me in therapy and I finished that last year. So now, I still get bullied, I have anxiety and depression. And I've recently been diagnosed with Cyclothrimia, which is a type of bipolar. I'm just so scared that it's all going to happen again. And to whoever reads this, thank you for actually caring enough to read the whole thing. It means more than you think. Xx

Re: My story

@ptv_lover 

First thing is first!  Thank you for posting your story on Reachout and i hope you found everything ok on the website. Secondly, you are so brave for finding us and deciding to share with us your story. Just incase you want to keep getting involved on here just have a quick check at the community guidelines 

 

Im so sorry to hear about those awful girls at your school and the horrible things they did you, and the horrible way they made you feel. You did not deserve to be treated like that at all, and its terrible that it happened. 

 

Im also sorry to hear that you got expelled from school for those reasons you must have felt like it wasnt fair. However at least you got away from those girls and that environment.

 

You mentioned that you had just finished therapy - do you have someone you can talk to on an ongoing basis? I think it would be really good for you and for your worries regarding what you described as depression, anxiety and cyclothymia. There are heaps of resources available for that such as Headspace  or kkids help line 

 

Again thank you for sharing your story you are so brave to have come through all of that !!!

 

 

Re: My story

Hi @ptv_lover - welcome to Reach Out! I agree with @EloiseRose it was very brave of you to share your story and to recognise that events in life have put you at risk again, so you made a courageous step to reach out and ask for help.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your past experiences with bullying. It was quite ignorant of the dance school to ignore it for so long and then to expel you as a result without investigating the situation or hearing your side. What have your recent experiences with bullying been? Are you able to tell someone in charge (a teacher, a counsellor, a manager) about the problem and ask for some help resolving it?

 

You have a diagnosis now and it's helpful to be able to put a name to all those shitty and irrational feelings, but remember - you are not your diagnosis. It's not a life sentence and it's not a crystal ball. With support and treatment, you can live a safe, happy and enjoyable life! What kind of professional support do you currently have - pyschologists, psychiatrists, counsellors? Do you have a safe plan in case you do start feeling suicidal again? There is some great info on creating safe plans here on Reach Out.

 

If you do feel suicidal, it's very important that you call the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. If you've had a rough day or you're feeling overwhelmed, you can also speak to a counsellor at Kid's Helpline (1800 55 1800) or even use their web counselling service. What do you think about giving that a go sometime this week?

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Re: My story

Hey @ptv_lover like the others have mentioned well done on your bravery and sharing with us on RO! Seems like you have had to experience unfortunate situations in life! Bullying in any form or shape is disgusting and shouldn't be tolerated, you having to put up with it is quite horrible. At this stage in your life it sounds like you are doing well, sticking with your treatment plan and really looking forward to a good future and forgetting all the negativity will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Others will always try to put you down in life but you must not let them!!! Don't give them the satisfaction they want and crave, stay strong, be positive and be kind to yourself. 

 

I hope for you nothing but the best, stay strong 

Re: My story

 

Hey @ptv_lover 

 

Welcome to Reach Out and thank you so much for shariing your story, it shows what an amazing and corageous person you are to share your story with us. I'm so sorry that it was such a difficult experience for you. You were really failed by that school and their inabaility to protect you from those bullies. Every student deserves to receive an education in a safe and nurturing environment. Not protecting you from thoe girls means they let you down, massively.

It's been said already in reply to your post that your diagnosis is not a life sentence but a way of understanding yourself and learning what drives you. Knowing that you're going to experience very high highs and low lows means you can prepare for them and not be knocked around too much when they happen. I imagine your doctor has also talked to you about suitable medication.Like many things, you can learn to manage it and not have it effect you too greatly.

 

Things have been really hard for you for some time, including now the difficulties with your mum and dad, maybe this is a good time to start thinking about what brings you joy. What do you do that makes you feel happy? And if that's hard to answer, maybe now's a good time to start looking around for something. It's really important to have something that' yours, that you enjoy doing, so you can take time out from the crappy stuff.

 

Is there anything like this in your life? Smiley Happy

 

Re: My story

Hi Sophie, Im a parent and was cruising this site trying to find a solution for my child which will tell you I dont have any answers.  Your story is so touching and sadly common no matter part of society we come from.  The bit about your parents rings true also.  Depending on our value system sometimes and our perception of the way parenting should be, we can really do the most stupid things without realising it.  Then we blame each other and wonder what went wrong.  All I can say is that without the truth we have nothing.  Everyone should be truthful.  Good luck 

Re: My story

hey @ptv_lover 

 

i can see you've had some really great suggestions from some of the other users so i won't add to that - but i will just add my support and say thanks for your sharing your story. i think it's great that you are on the forums and i hope you continute to contribute on here. we are all always here to support you and listen to you.

 

stay strong. Heart

lanejane