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Need some relationship advices

Hi all!

 

So, i've been dating with my GF for 5 years now and this also my first relationship ever. some weeks ago she told me that she wants to break up because she has this pent up anger about things that she didn't like about me like how i need to be more open to her and such. I managed to make her reconsider and we decided not to break up fortunately but she still needs time .

 

but apparently, she's been chatting with a guy and this guy is hitting with her and she kinda responding to him nicely too. she told me about this guy during our "almost breaking up" time and i kindly asked her to make this guy just as her friend and not more than that and she agreed and she did told that guy too. ever since she told me about this guy, i became a paranoid person (lol). every time i have opportunities, i unlocked her phone and read all her chat with this guy and boy... how hurt i am when i saw her chat with this guy. he's not that flirty with her cause of the friend only thing, but she responded to him deeply and they set up a time to meet up cause they want to know each other a bit more.

 

that meeting should had happened at a bit faraway place, but because of some circumstances that meeting happened near my place and luckily i'm on my way to a clinic near that place too!

so, she told me she was there and i met with her cause she saw me passing by and she approached me while this guy is still paying and when he came out from that place he's surprised to see me and he walks away a bit. my GF is trying to distract me and act all weird and all she said to me the day before this meeting is that she's meeting up with her College friend only although i already knew about all of this from reading up her chat. that night, i take her home and told her that i was jealous because she meet up solo with a guy and she spent almost a whole day with him and i asked her to tell me truth, but the only thing that she told me is a lie that that guy is only her College friend and not that guy who's hitting on her. i don't want to drag that problem that day cause it's already so late and i let it slip that day.

 

on Monday, after work, i went to her house just to hang up and watch some movie together and after watching the movie i braved myself to bring up this problem again and told her that i just wanna know the truth and that worked! she told me that that guy is actually the guy who's been hitting at her and she's very sorry that she lied to me and told me that she won't go out with that guy again. but, i know that she has difficulties in making friends and thus she only have a few friends, so i told her that it's okay to go with that guy but make sure that she didn't bring any feelings to it and also make him only as your friend and don't cross the line.

 

sorry for the long background story, but here are the questions :

 

1. What does it mean to be more open to your partner? since this is my first, i don't know what is it like to be open to your partner.

2. I feel awful about reading her chat with that guy without her knowing, but ever since i became paranoid (and yes i still am lol) i feel that i need to constantly check her chat with that guy until i'm sure that she friendzoned him. is it wrong to keep doing this? if it's wrong, what should i do to keep this insecure feeling checked?

3. Before all of this happened, i'm a guy who tells her that i'm the kind who will do this relationship based on trust and hopes that she gives back the trust that i already gave her and not limiting her about with whom she can go with and i never have a jealous feeling but she told me to at least keep her in check a bit so she can feel like that i'm giving her attention. what should i do about this?

 

I think that's all i want to say and ask for now.

 

Sorry for the long story and thanks for hearing me out.

Re: Need some relationship advices

Hey @Hagane , thank you for sharing your experience with us - it sounds like you're really thinking a lot about how to do the right thing in this situation. It's clear you really care about your girlfriend. 

Good relationships need a lot of ongoing work, and having more open communication is so important! Its great that you're looking for ways to do that. Sharing more of your thoughts and feelings with your partner is a good first step - sounds like you already did this in an effective way recently! 

We have an article here about being in a relationship that might be helpful for you , and this one here about communication 

 

 Your questions are really common ones for people in relationships, so I'm sure some others on the forum should be able to jump in and offer support on this too  Heart

 

Look out for an email in your inbox of the address you signed up with too. 

 

Re: Need some relationship advices

Hi @Hagane! No need to apologise for writing so much! Relationships are definitely difficult to navigate so it's perfectly normal to have so much to say and to explain Smiley Happy!

I'll try to answer your questions but tbh I don't really think anyone knows how to act when they're in a relationship :')!

1. To me it's knowing that I can tell my partner anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I should tell them everything. Here's a terrible example but it's like knowing that I won't tell my partner that I don't really think their outfit is great, but if they ask, I know that I'm so comfortable around them that I can tell them honestly (also politely :')!).

2. I think you already have some thoughts about this. With situations where I'm not sure whether I should be doing something, I like to check by reversing the situation Smiley Happy! So in this situation, would you feel comfortable with your girlfriend reading your messages without your knowledge?

3. I think it's great that you've already discussed what you'd like for this relationship with your girlfriend. I think trust and hope are wonderful values ! Smiley Happy
If you're not sure what your girlfriend wants you to do to "keep her in check" and "give her attention" then perhaps you should have a conversation with her about this! Smiley Happy

Re: Need some relationship advices

Heya @Hagane,

The others have written some awesome replies - just wondering what you think of their thoughts/suggestions? How have things been with your girlfriend over the last few days? Heart
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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: Need some relationship advices

Heya @lokifish.

 

things have been pretty bad these last few days unfortunately..

 

she asked for a break time and need some space because she needs to think things over about our relationship clearly and also she can't guarantee that we can be back together.. she said she will think about the possibilities of we're coming back together as best as she can.. but my gut feelings said things will be bad even after she think about it.. the condition for the break is i can't meet her everyday like i used to do and she asked me to show her that i can really change for good and try to impress her back like we're starting fresh again.. the problem that she's having right now is that she's confused about how she can trust me again that i'll never be a false person during our relationship ever again.

 

i'm really not ready to lose her because tbh, she makes me feels wanted and that makes me feels that i'm finally living as a "human".. and only her can makes me feels like that..

 

i guess i'll just need to prepare for the worst now huh?

 

Re: Need some relationship advices

Hey @gina-RO, thanks for your articles! i already took a look at it and i hope it will grows on me..

 

Re: Need some relationship advices

Hi too @sylviaisaplant!

 

tbh, i already talked to her about anything i can think of, but there is this one problem that i have before and i never told her about it because it didn't have any relation to her, but i told that problem to my brother and then stupidly i told her about this and she's mad at me.. she asked me why didn't i told her first because even though she didn't have any connections to it Smiley Sad..

 

as for reading messages, i told her that she can unlock my phones to read anything that she want because i have nothing to hide from her, but she didn't let me do that to her phone so i respect that decision and goes along with it. but ever since i got betrayed like this, it feels like i need to do it.. because i really hate betrayal and cheating like this..

Re: Need some relationship advices

Hi @Hagane,

 

Thank you for getting back to us- we can hear that this has been a really stressful time for you Heart

 

Last week we sent you an email as it looks like you might be joining us from overseas. When you get a moment, have a look at your inbox for more information about services you can access local to you Smiley Happy  



Did you know we have new Community Guidelines? You can check them out here
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Re: Need some relationship advices

Hey again @Hagane Smiley Happy

Just wondering if you saw the email from @Jess1-RO? Hopefully things improve with your GF soon Heart
______________________________________________________
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: Need some relationship advices

Hi @Hagane

That sounds like a difficult situation but I'm hoping things work out in the end for you! <3

 

Unfortunately, relationships aren't black and white - instead, they're nuances of very very confusing grey :'). When I'm confused about whether the reactions of my partner or my reactions are warranted, I like to ask a friend (who I can trust for honest opinions) about what they think about the situation (one of the tips in here!). Maybe that's something you'd like to try out!