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Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

>ever since i was born, i was assigned tasks.

>had to live according to parent's expectations

>broken family, both of them are selfish ass that only used me to their convenience

>I still have hope that they will acknowledge me as their children, still longing for their love, so i did everything they told me to do. Study hard, go to a private school, enroll into engineering, doing postgraduate etc

>After 24 years trying to please them, just because I'd expect when i accomplish all their missions, I would receive some love from them. But i see no signs of it.

 

>Met a girl, got together really good at first, because initially i appeared as a cheerful dude in front of her.

>Got together really close, she wants me to open up myself, I told her how i really feels, I told her i had suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety, as well as ADHD.

>She started to distant me. She stopped talking to me, stopped having meals with me. We're renting a house together which we decorated it like a warm home. But she started to not come home because she said she can't handle the constant stream of negativity.

 

>GP asked me to spend more time with friends, family, or anyone i trust. I don't practically have a family, and the friend that i trusted, cannot handle me.

>Never felt being cared my whole life, never felt being loved. totally able to understand the lyric ' who cares when someone time runs out, in the sky of a million stars'

 

>I'm halfway through my engineering postgrad, lost all motivation to continue, after realising that no matter what i did, my parents wont care about me.

>Also realised that it doesnt matter how much money i make, i could easily scrap by living alone by working minimum wage full time, since it doesnt seems like i could find someone that love me enough to build a family with.

 

You know that feel of loneliness when your GP tells you to spend more time with family, friends, get a girlfriend. But when you browse through your phone, you realise out of those 1000 contacts, non would care shit if you're dead or alive. Making new friends doesnt work, they'll just leave when i tell them about my problem. So i have to always appear happy in front of everyone, it just adds a lot to my pressure.

 

Will I ever be cared for? Will I ever be loved? Even God abandoned me, I prayed, everyday, yet He's not answering. One of my church friend that i trusted, she turned her back towards me too after a while. I guessed she doesn't want my negativity to affect her. 

 

I'm not sure if things are ever going to be better. I've fought this hard life, alone for 24 years.... I'm afraid that it will still be this tough for the next 24 years.... I am breaking down, I can't handle this anymore. Going for counselling, they only helped that much, me, and him, we both know the root to my problem, but we can't solve it.

 

I've did everything i can to retain my family, to retain the 2 most trusted friends, but to no avail.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stucked here forever

 

 

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

Thank you for sharing your story @Abandoned

 

It sounds like there is quite a lot going on for you with regards to your family, friends and health. Please know that you're not alone, everyone here at RO is here to support you (I'll tag a couple of members for you) Heart 

 

@Brendos94 @roseisnotaplant @LeoTheLion @ErinsAntics @downthelane

 

You mention that you went to see your GP, which is great, can I ask have you been to see a counsellor or psychologist before?

 

 

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

Hello there,

 

To answer your question 'will I ever be cared for?' ...Your parents already care about you. It is just not your definition of 'care'. Your parents telling you to work hard in school, get into a good degree, get a good job that earns good money is their way of caring for you. They are setting you up for a good life. They don't want to see you struggle to make ends meet, eating crap meals every night etc. Now will you ever receive your definition of care, that warm loving embrace, the asking if you're okay kind; probably not. That's not them, they don't know how to be like that. Unfortunately, I think it comes down to the way they were raised. It is highly likely that your grandparents were the same to your parents as they are to you. That's the only way of parenting they know. But you have to remember what they have done, what they have asked of you is their way of caring for you. 

 

Will you ever be loved? Why, of course you will. You haven't found the right person yet! There are girls who are loving, caring and most importantly for you, understanding. They will understand what you're going through and support you and help you. I'm sorry about your ex- but there are people who don't understand or can handle issues like depression etc. The friends situation can be difficult, I always recommend having a smaller number of close friends who understand you rather than having lots of friends who don't even remember your birthday.

 

Like you said, you've fought hard to get to this far, don't give up! What you have accomplished and will achieve is incredible and there is no reason for why your life won't turn around. 

 

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

@Erin-ROYeah, but, they only help so much, like the medicine i was prescribed works better than them. However I can't really stand the side effects, and they're starting to add on more pressure to what i already experienced. And specialists are kinda expensive too

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

Can I ask why do you think they didn't help very much? @Abandoned

 

For example, was it their personality or the strategies they gave you?

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

@Erin-RO i dont feel connected to them. I dont think they know how i feel, and their words didnt calm me. The plans and strategies that they worked out for me, I gave up after a while, because I don't really have the motivation to follow it. I just can't help myself and change how my mind functions no matter how hard i try. Maybe it works for a little while, like half an hour, and I'll crash again. But magically enough, those prescribed drugs does help. My body is weakening though, as they up the dose, and the cost too, really high.

 

After all they said, the root of my problems lie within family and friends, I need to solve these problems. I'm trying hard, but I can only do so much on my side.

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

That makes sense @Abandoned. It can take a while to find a counsellor or psychologist that you connect with but once you do it can be so powerful. So please don't give up on that just yet. 

 

When you say the root of the problem lies within your friends and family, just remember that we can't really control other peoples behaviour, we can only learn to control our reactions to others, so working through that with a mental health professional may be helpful? Mensline are always available if you want to start to talk to someone about it - 1300 78 99 78 (available 24/7)

 

With your medication, have you chatted to your GP about how they make you feel?

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

@Erin-RO yeah, so I've hopped on reduced dose, or might use alternative drugs, but my mood problems will become more obvious as expected. They took a blood test and see if they can find anything out. But i got really tired of fighting these mental diseases. Like the general public would give compassion to someone with an obvious physical disability, and most of the time they're eligible for free money every week, even the insurance cover their treatment in full most of the time. Yet people with mental disability don't get enough attention, like way less attention. 

 

So on top of feeling abandoned by family and friends, I felt abandoned even by society. They'd say something like you've got perfect eyesight, you've legs and arms, why the heck are you still not satisfied with your life etc. Speaking as if i can control my mind.

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

It's really hard isn't it @Abandoned and you're right some people find mental health issues really difficult to understand and even though society has come a long way in breaking down some stigmas about mental health, it really does have such a long way to go.

 

Just know that you have found a community that does understand and everyone really is very supportive and compassionate towards each other Heart

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Re: Never felt being loved before. Lost all hope

@Abandonedit sounds like you are going through a really tough time.

Have you tried seeing a different GP? Maybe if you saw someone different they could give you other treatment options.

Also I agree with @Erin-RO about seeing a psych, it may take you a while to find the right one but once you do they are invaluable for your mental health.

You could also checking out your nearest Headspace for support, they have a range of resources and groups that could be of benefit for you.

God doesn't abandon his people, there are times when it may feel like it but he just has a bigger plan for you. 

Hang in there things will get better, you just have to wait.

 

 

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Whatever it takes I know I can make it through!