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Nothing’s working (tw)

Hi everyone. I haven’t been on much lately because I’ve been struggling a fair bit, I’m sorry. I hope everyone’s okay atm. 

 

I feel like nothing’s helping right now and things are too much. I still do DBT and although the skills are useful sometimes, the individual psychology sessions don’t help me. I see a different counsellor on and off but she’s always cancelling sessions at the last minute and when I do see her, it makes me feel worse, not better. I’m also seeing a peer support worker sometimes because my psychologist reckoned I was too socially isolated, but mostly she just talks about herself and tells me how things will be better when I stop taking care of my family (something that will never happen). 

 

I’m struggling to help my younger sister who has health and mental health issues, I feel constantly anxious about family, sometimes I get up in the night and listen to make sure they’re still breathing. I know that it would help to exercise, to get out of the house, be around other people, go to my favourite places but I can only let myself leave the house for class or appointments. Otherwise I feel too guilty and anxious. I sit on the couch all day because I feel too paralysed and guilty to do anything else, it is so horribly endlessly depressing. 

 

Uni is stressful. My sensory issues are worse. Eating is hard. My memory and concentration are screwed. It takes me hours to get to sleep, then I wake up at 2 or 3 am. Meds don’t help. I’ve been exploring my faith a lot more and putting trust in God but even though it helps it also triggers my OCD. I feel lonely all of the time. I am anxious about my sexuality constantly and it’s worse when I leave the house, it’s even hard to be in class because I feel so worried and scared when I’m around guys. I haven’t been self harming because I’m so scared that if I relapse I’ll be hospitalised or given ECT. The other day my tutor threatened to call an ambulance on me because I had a panic attack in class and said I didn’t want to be alive anymore and I literally had to beg him not to. I absolutely cannot will not go back to hospital. 

 

I feel like I’ve tried every single treatment under the sun and all they’ve taught me is to shut up and act happy so I don’t get screamed at and sedated and humiliated. It’s been almost five years since my first suicide attempt and I still think about killing myself every day (I’m safe as it’s the one thing my psychologist actually cares about and tries to manage). Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. I just get better at being fake happy. 

 

I know if I left home I would be okay but I can’t leave home, at least not for another year or so, so until then I’m treading water and wasting time. And crying, I spend a lot of time crying. 

 

Please just tell me you can hear me. I get so sick of my own voice but I can’t stop talking to myself. The voices in my head never shut up. 

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

Hi @DruidChild. What you're going through sounds incredibly difficult.. 

Is finding a new councilor and/ or a support worker a possibility? You deserve to be able to work with someone who helps you feel better.

I'm so sorry that you feel unsafe at the thought of having someone realize what things are like for you... it's awful when the people who are meant to be helping you become another thing to be afraid of...

 

Do you think it would help to brainstorm a few small coping mechanisms?

The good thing about them is that you don't have to put in as much energy as you would for something larger-scale, but they can really help you cope with day-to-day life. 

They also focus on helping you actually feel better, rather than making you pretend to feel better..

I have personally used a lot of strategies that help cope with sensory issues, so I can help suggest quite a few for specific issues if that's something you're interested in. 

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

Hi @Tiny_leaf, thank you so much for your reply. Unfortunately a new psych/counsellor isn’t an option because this is the only public program that will give me more than ten sessions, and I can’t afford to see someone privately. And yeah it is frustrating Smiley Sad I feel like I can’t trust professionals or be honest with them anymore. 

 

That would help if you don’t mind Smiley Happy and I would really appreciate any advice for dealing with sensory issues! I’ve really struggled with sound sensitivity especially lately. 

At the moment, I use a lot of dialectical behaviour skills that I’ve learned, so a lot of skills focused on surviving crises and avoiding ‘problem’ behaviours (like self harm). As well I pray a lot and use things like creative writing and listening to music to help me cope. 

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

@DruidChild ugh... I know a program like that..

Are you able to ask for a new psych who also works within the organization?

 

And sound sensitivity sucks... it's the main thing I struggle with. 

If headphones/ earphones aren't an option, I tend to use tactile stuff to calm myself down, like worry stones and fidget jewelry.

You can buy stuff like that, or make your own (I like art/ craft so I tend to do that when I can)

I made this necklace for example, I use it as a distraction and spin the marble around when everything's just too loud.

WIN_20190610_17_22_39_Pro (2).jpg

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

@Tiny_leaf yeah I would think about dropping out and trying to find something else but apparently I’m ‘too complex’ for most public programs because of my bpd and trauma history :/ Asking for a different psych isn’t an option within this program, but thank you for the suggestion anyway! 

 

I’m sorry you struggle with sound sensitivity as well, it can be really painful. Your necklace is gorgeous and what a cool thing to make! You must be pretty talented at jewellery making Smiley Happy I have a soft toy rabbit that helps but I feel too embarrassed to stim with it in public. I do use a tangle sometimes though which is good! Thank you for the suggestions, I really appreciate it Heart

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

@DruidChild I know what you mean about being "too complex"... 

I have persistent depressive disorder with psychotic features, which isn't exactly a commonly made diagnosis. Add in autism and treatment-and-hallucination induced trauma and no one had any idea what to do with me..

I've heard that it can be really hard to find a good therapist when you have bdp, which sucks..

 

And thank you Smiley Happy

Jewelry making is one of my weaknesses in terms of art, but fortunately the pendant only took a marble, a pipe cleaner and some pliers, so I was able to get it done pretty well.

And so many of my stim toys are soft toys (including a t-rex with flip sequins and a hedgehog I have named Stanley for some reason).

If you don't mind me asking, what is it you like about the rabbit? There can be some ways to disguise stim toys so that they look "normal".

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

That’s a lot to deal with @Tiny_leaf, you’re really brave to be reaching out here and even supporting others when you’re living with so much! How are you doing at the moment? 

Mm I have bpd, major depression, generalised and social anxiety, and trauma, as well as ED symptoms and sensory stuff so I feel you! It can be hard to get good treatment but I believe we’ll both get there Smiley Happy Heart

 

What other kinds of art do you like doing? 

Stanley is the perfect name for a hedgehog!! My bunny is called Ellen and she’s super soft and the perfect size for cuddling. I like stroking her ears when I’m stressed. Plus she talks to me a lot and is basically my best friend Smiley Very Happy 

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

@DruidChild thank you.

And I'm pretty stable at the moment, which I guess is both good and bad.. I'm not really getting worse but not improving much either..

Tonight I'm helping my little cat recover from dental surgery. He's doing well, but still a little groggy.. He forgot how to stand up a minute ago, and got frustrated when wriggling his body didn't do anything. He's up now though, so we're just keeping an eye on him. 

 

And most of my art is drawing and digital art, though I'll occasionally do 3D stuff.

And I think so too. He has a little bow tie, Stanley just had to be his name.

Ellen sounds like a really good comfort. Is she fluffy?? I really love fluffy stuff for some reason... 

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

@Tiny_leaf Mm stable can feel like a difficult place to be in, but I’m glad you’re not feeling too bad at least Heart Aw your poor cat!! I hope they have a quick recovery, and let you get some sleep. 

 

That’s so cool! I really like drawing too, although I’m not that good at it, but it’s a good way to process emotions. 

She is fluffy!!! I’ll take a picture for you later if you like! 

Re: Nothing’s working (tw)

@DruidChild he's doing well, the anesthetic started wearing off enough last night that he didn't need to be checked in on as much. Plus he's remembered how his legs work. Smiley Happy

 

And yes it is, I think that's why I love it so much. Plus shading. Shading's weirdly relaxing. 

 

And awwwww!! She must be great to cuddle.

 

Also you think a keychain like this:

Might be any good for stimming with in public? There are a few different versions of these, some are really easy to make and some are a bit harder. You could probably also by stuff like it if you wanted.