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Past

Its odd... I thought being alone and pushing people away, thinking that they would benefit from me not being in their lives, would make me happier.

What happened was the exact opposite...

I pushed her away because I thought she would be better off without me, but seeing her everyday at school, hurts me more than not seeing her at all. I feel so attatched to her, but I can tell she doesnt feel the same with me... But feels it with someone else.

I am so jealous of him. She is so close with him and seeing them together, happy... Honestly feels as if the hole where my heart was, grows bigger. It hurts. And the only thing I know that helps is pretending that everything is good and just ignoring her. Though, I wish I saw her and could just go back to how we were... Its where I want us to be.

But I know she deserves better. So much better than I. and she knows that too. She is beautiful. Both inside and out, her smile is something I can never get enough of. It makes me feel so... Speechless. I miss her. I wish I knew how important she would become to me, so that I wouldnt do something stupid and lose her.

Dont know where my head is at... And I think its best I dont know... 

 

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Re: Past

I am truly sorry to hear of your heartache @ImTired. It's not an easy thing to deal with regret and the pain that comes from looking in hindsight. You're not alone. It seems like you really love her. If you had a strong connection than that would be hard for her to replace... have you tried communicating some of these feelings you have expressed here, to her before? Because honestly they are beautiful words; simple and true. There may still be hope if she knew how much you valued her and spoke your heart to her.

And remember, if you are unsuccessful, it does not mean you are unworthy. It may then be a good time to live and let live.. There are so many people out there who would appreciate your care and love! Give it to those who will cherish it. Sending you peace in your anxious time. X

Re: Past

Thank you @_daisy, your words have said something that I needed to hear. Its really hard to get out of a mindset where you feel alone and cold. I shall express my feelings towards her and ask for nothing in return. As long as she knows how I feel towards her, I would be okay with letting her go. I would hope only the best for her and her future, your help is greatly appreciated. Thank you. 

Re: Past

You're very welcome @ImTired. You're right, the mind can be a lonely place, don't be afraid to keep reaching out for help whenever you need it.

Even if she doesnt respond positively, there will be closure for you in the knowledge that you were completely honest, and regardless of the outcome, she knows where you're at. 

Re: Past

@ImTired I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds like you might be a bit conflicted between keeping her in your life and letting her go?

I think what @_daisy has said is good, and I'm glad to hear that you'll follow up with her and express how you're feeling Smiley Happy
Let us know how you go Smiley Happy

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Past

@Bee I am quite flustered between deciding whether or not I should let her go, or attempt to slowly rebuild our relationship. Especially because she also has her own opinion and feelings, in which I wouldnt want to pour my heart out to her, just for her to shut me down and tell me she doesn't want that. But I guess thats just a possibility and can not be controlled. I just dont know which decision would benefit her more, as I feel as if we drag one another down sometimes because we are constantly distracted by each other but on the other hand, I dont mind it. I Love Her and to be completely honest, I wouldnt care to as where I would end up in life as long as she is with me. I seriously feel for her, I just know she doesnt feel the same anymore. She kind of acts, distant. And I think I am afraid of losing her... It would shatter me.

Re: Past

@ImTired I can see from what you've written she means a lot to you.
You mentioned that you don't know what would benefit you more. This can be a challenge when we are unsure, but maybe have a think about the reasons why you want to rebuild the relationship and reasons why you don't want to. And weigh them up, you may find that there are more reasons one way then the other.

You mentioned that "I just know she doesn't feel the same anymore" Is this something she has said to you?/Has she said/done something to make you feel/think this? There can be multiple reasons why someone could act distant, and I guess if that's a big thing in the relationship that should be discussed.
Eg I know for me sometimes I am distant from people because I'm overwhelmed, or I'm anxious, sometimes it's purely just because I'm tired or not feeling well. Does that help?

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Past

Hey @ImTired, you've been given some good advice below. I'd suggest perhaps give her some space (be friendly but give her some room) and then when you feel a bit clearer about everything, attempt to focus on rebuilding the friendship first and then go from there... Especially if as you say, she seems to be in a happy space at the moment?

 

Also I've just noticed you have two very similar threads going for this topic. We tend to try to avoid "cross posting" similar threads, as it can make it hard for people to keep track of the convo and story across two or three pages. I'll pop a link to to the other thread here but I'd encourage you to maybe pick which thread you'd like people to focus on Smiley Happy