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Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apart?

Hi, I’m lavender (she/her) I’ve written my story in great detail below and if you read it maybe you’ll under stand the rubberband ball that is my relationship with my best friend, who’s my person. But in the case that you do not have the time or desire to read that I’ll brief you here ;

 

Me and my best friend (he/him) are the closest you could ever imagine, especially now we spend all our time together and if there were more hours in the day we’d spend those together too just sitting and thriving off each others presence. But even though we have everything a soul mate relationship could have (except for the sexual physicality, the emotional sexual connection is there) we keep getting scared and one of us always ends up back pedalling and doing something that sets us back. Now it feels like we’re on a see saw balancing between ruining our friendship by either bringing it up and having it fail or not bringing it up and being stuck in the same pattern forever. So now I ask you guys what do I do? Am I being dramatic and overly romanticising what we have or do I need to push past the fear and put it out there under the chance it fails but also under the chance that it levels us up to be everything?

 

So I have a best friend and he’s everything to me, I’m usually uncomfortable around boys and men and he’s the only exception. We can laugh and talk about anything, we’re as close as 2 people can be in a platonic way. Except lately it’s felt less platonic, I’ve had feelings for him for our whole friendship but we’re such amazing friends I never felt the need to push for it because if I ruined that relationship I’d be crushed. It feels as though, despite being in sync and as effortless everything is between us, that we both pushing that extra boundary with slight pressure hoping to see if the other picks up on it but we somehow keep letting each other down. Right whenever we push one of us gets scared and runs off to do something that sets that part of the relationship back 50 kilometres, for example when we initially started getting close and I thought he was maybe going to cut through the boundary he showed up to my birthday with a girl that he didn’t like as his new girlfriend. And then again when we got close we were both too afraid to scare the other off and I ended up sitting and contemplating my sexuality (Even though my feelings for him have stayed the same). This all happened last year and this year we’ve moved to the same building to attend uni and we’re even closer friends, like romantic relationship close without any of the sexual touching (There’s crazy tension). We go on late night walks and spend hours walking and talking, there’s no awkwardness ever even in silence, we love each others company. I love them because it’s just us and there’s no pressure or anything we can just be us with no need to define our relationship or label it to others (We get asked if we’re dating all the time and although we aren’t it always stumps us and sparks a certain tension) and on our last walk we talked about relationships and romantic interest and we both admitted that we were both feeling the same emotions during those previous times where we seemed to miss our chance, from this I thought that maybe last night would be the time for us to discuss that further and I could tell we were both twitching to go on our walk but then something happened and now it feels as though we’re on entirely different continents. He went and he slept with a girl he’d just met (Something he never does), and I could sense his hesitation and he could sense my confusion (Best friend telepathy) but he went and did it anyway. I feel like if I want to sort our relationship out it needs to be now or we’re going to be stuck in this pattern for the rest of our lives, always slipping past each other and never being able to meet in the middle. It scares me because if I lose that connection I don’t know what I have left.

 

Oh god if you made it this far thank you so much, I apologise for the essay but the only person I would ever talk to someone about  this would be him and I can’t exactly do that ...

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

Hey @Lavender_Frog 

This sounds like a really confusing and tricky situation that you're in! I really felt for you reading this post, I have definitely had friendships that have been a bit confusing in terms of not know whether it was a good idea to add in some romance - its really hard to know!

I want to highlight that it sounds like you two have a beautiful relationship. Its so special to have friends that we're really close to that feel like soul mates, and I feel like you value this relationship so much and that is so incredibly lovely.

If you were to bring it up, have you thought about how you might do it?

It could help to write down what you might say and have a think about what are the most important things that you want to get across. Perhaps you could start by letting him know how important your friendship is and that you really don't want to lose it?

 

I can understand why it felt really uncomfortable and shocking to learn that he slept with someone else, do you think he is aware of how you're feeling about this?

 

Its so hard to know what the right thing to do is and it sounds like you're giving this a lot of thought and want to make a really considered decision. Whatever you decide, he is lucky to have such a thoughtful person like you in his life Heart

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

@Hannah-RO Thank you so much for reading my mini essay, it took me a long time to get it out and express what I wanted to say. I actually started with trying to figure out what I might say to him and how to bring it up but I couldn’t do it so i ended up writing this instead.

 

In our conversation from a couple nights ago we did talk about how we both think it’s the most important relationship we have at the moment and we got the giggles at the seriousness of it. A large part of that night was also discussing how we had felt during the key points in our relationship but we both got to the part of talking about us now and got nervous so we kind of skipped over it. And then like I said we never got to go on the walk the night after because he went off with the other girl, I’m pretty bad at hiding my emotions and he can read me like a book so I thought there was no doubt that he sensed at least some the confusion and hurt I felt. But now he says he wants to talk to me about it and fill me in (You know best friend things) so I guess he doesn’t know how I felt/feel. And in reality I don’t have any claim on him like that so why should he be worried about that? I don’t want him to think I’m ‘shaming’ him or being weirdly possessive for it so bringing it up it just feels unfair.

 

And what if I do bring it up and our relationship can’t handle being in a romantic light or what if I’m tripping and misconstruing this whole situation? Then I’ve just made it awkward for nothing and definitively ruined the relationship.   Then there’s also the other side of I leave it and we get stuck in this same cycle for the rest of our lives and miss out on something great and end up drifting apart, this is what feels like is happening now?

 

I have ADHD and clinical anxiety so on the whim impulsive decisions of ‘the heart’ are not my thing :/

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

Hey @Lavender_Frog, it sounds like you are at a cross road and are feeling unsure about what to do. These situations are incredibly tricky to navigate and I know I would be feeling stuck if I was in your shoes. I mean, I have been in similar situations when I was younger. It is a deeply personal choice and please know that there is definitely no right or wrong answer.

Sometimes you can have the perfect idea of how you want things to play out but when it comes to that moment, things can take a completely new direction. It happens to the best of us. You mentioned a few outcomes/possibilities of this situation. Which do you feel the most comfortable/okay with?

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

 

Hi @Taylor-RO

 

Well in a perfect world we'd break the cycle of hurting each other, either by talking about how we feel, figure out what the issue is, and move on with the rest of our relationship as it has been but I doubt we'd be as close as we are now because we'd lose a part of our emotional connection. Or we'd be able to talk about it, see if we feel the same, and continue our relationship being as close as we are currently or even closer with an extra layer of being in a romantic relationship. But with that outcome comes the fear that a) I'm overthinking everything and being weird making it awkward for us to move past and b) if our relationship can't sustain the extra level and we end up losing everything altogether.

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

You definitely raise some good points @Lavender_Frog. Seems like you are in a bit of a tricky situation at the moment! It sounds like you have thought a lot about the different possibilities in this situation. Is this something that you explored by yourself or with your friend? It sounds like it would be something that would be helpful to discuss with them Smiley Happy

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

@Sophia-RO 

Well we've talked about how we felt in the past (We shared feelings for each other but kept avoiding doing anything for the sake of our friendship) only recently and I thought we might have been on our way to discussing how each of us feels now but then he went and did the thing. So the cycle has reset again and I doubt we'll be back to a place in our relationship to talk about it again for a while. So no I haven't approached him about the possible outcomes because one of them is that if I tell him how I feel and bring up the cycle he'll think I'm being crazy. After all, I may be imagining this whole thing on my own.

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

Ah @Lavender_Frog that makes sense. From what you have described, it sounds like you are incredibly close with your friend. It must be hard for you to not feel like this is something that you can discuss with him at the moment. You mentioned feeling like you might be imagining this situation. That must also be a difficult feeling to sit with. Is there anything specifically that makes you feel like you are imagining this situation?

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

Yeah, @Sophia-RO 

 

I get told I’m dramatic quite a lot and due to my ADHD I have an issue that’s similar to paranoia so I tend to make up stories and situations in my head and then I over think them until I’ve exhausted myself. So even though this doesn’t feel like one of those, how can I be sure?

Re: Please help, am I romanticising my relationship with my best friend or are we about to fall apar

Hey @Lavender_Frog, it must be hard to hear those comments from other people. Some situations can be really tricky and it can be incredibly easy to begin overthinking, especially if the situation involves people who are important to us. It sounds like you have felt like you are making up stories/situations before. Have you thought of talking to a professional about this type of situation?