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Re: More problems and extra stress

Hi @Marina0012, I'm so glad you came here for support and have been helped by everyone's comments.

 

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what happened. These people violated the reasonable boundaries of your relationships with them and hurt you deeply when they were supposed to be people you could trust. That isn't your fault. You have a right to feel hurt and confused about what happened, and to grieve for what these relationships might have been. I also wanted to add that you are under no obligation to try and repair these relationships until, or unless, you are ready. It is definitely okay to assert your boundaries and tell people that you are no longer comfortable being around or associating with them if you want. You have every right to look after yourself first. 

 

I also understand how hard it is to feel like you've upset your own expectations of yourself. I wanted to say that just because these things have happened doesn't take away from your goal to save true intimacy for the person you want. These experiences weren't consensual and they won't reflect a true, loving and mutually respectful relationship. When the time comes will be different and special and you deserve to still experience that Heart And you're under no obligation to tell anyone you don't want to know about this. I hope you can find a way to move through this and feel okay. We're always here for support Smiley Happy

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Re: More problems and extra stress

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 

Its okay!! I really just appreciate you taking the time to reply to what i wrote at all!  I will look into talking to my boss about working during closing shifts maybe so I dont have to be alone with him. I havent gone to the police and to be honest i dont plan to. Although I have considered going to therapy at some stage!! most likely online because im not comfortable talking about it in person. I was honestly just going to see how it goes! Im very nervous and anxious about it. I havent tried grounding before!! I will look into it!! thank you so much for responding!! It means a lot to me. Heart

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Re: More problems and extra stress

@lemurien  I just wanted to reply and express how grateful I am for your response. No matter if its an echo of what others have said or not It brings me more comfort the more people say it, and helps me to accept it more. Your supportive words mean so much to me, It made me emotional. Your message alone was able to help calm my anxiety and I was able to go to work today feeling a little less anxious. Thank you so much, I appreciate it a lot!!!!! The amount of support I have been getting is honestly shocking. I wasn't expecting to get any replies and seeing the amount of views my post had was making me anxious. I considered deleting it at one stage haha ^^"" However I was hoping if anyone reading this has gone through something similar my experiences would help them in some way. That and seeing people responding with such supportive and kind words helped ease some of my worries. Im hoping to slowly get past this because I am still ashamed at how much this has effected me. Thank you so much once again Heart

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Re: Please help me!! deep regrets and trauma

First of all @Sophia-RO, thank you so much for reading my post and taking the time to respond. It feels like with each reply im healed just a little bit more. Thank you so much for your kind words. Right now, I cant even imagine telling any family about what happened. I still feel so ashamed over what happened its hard to tell them, but hopefully in the future I will be able to. 

I was so anxious at work I didnt even realise how busy it apparently was that day!! Im still shocked, I have no memory of it even being a busy day at work. Thank you for the links!! Im definitely going to look into them and at the services as well. 

Thank you so so much again Heart

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Re: More problems and extra stress

Hello @StormySeas17 ! Thank you so so much for reading to my post and even taking the time to respond!!!! I feel such comfort whenever I get a notification that someone has replied to my post (along with some anxiety until i read whats said haha ^^") 

This may sound odd but I didnt realise how accurate everyone was with my trust being broken. Its not something I had even considered which sounds stupid but I realise thats one of the reasons I am so hurt by what happened. Again, I feel like an idiot for saying this but I trusted them so much as to me they were family, that the thought of drinking alone with them did not make me worried in the slightest or think for a second what could happen. 

 

Im so so happy you understand how I feel about this!! It was all about ruining the expectations I had of myself and what I had always been important to me (my values) and I couldnt (and still struggle to at all) forgive myself for that. I think this is where a lot of the self blame is coming from. Im very much a dreamer and ive always imagined my first kiss would be like in the movies or anime, on my very first date (whichhh i havent had yet) and with a boyfriend I love. Not...what has happened. Thank you so much for what you said....I hope im able to move on from this too!!! Im sorry for seeming pathetic for not being able to move on however slowly I think i will be able to. I appreciate your response so so much!! thank you from the bottom of my heart Heart

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Re: More problems and extra stress

Hi @Marina0012 , I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today? It's really wonderful to hear that you're finding the support from the community here helpful. I noticed you said that you're sorry for seeming pathetic for not being able to move on, and I wanted to say that you don't seem pathetic at all - you seem strong, and courageous, and I hope that posting here has helped you to start to heal Heart 

 

You mentioned that you think online counselling may be best for you - so just thought I'd share these links for you to check out if you decide you're ready to give that a try. 1800 Respect have an online chat service you can access here, all of their counsellors are experienced in sexual assault and trauma, and the NSW Rape and Domestic violence services also have online counselling, that you can access here 

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Re: More problems and extra stress

Hey @Marina0012, I'm so happy you're getting such good support on the forums and feel validated Smiley Happy Let us know if the grounding was helpful? I hope your boss lets you work at different hours to him.. Online therapy sounds like a great idea! Support seems like it would be helpful for you to process what has happened... ❤
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Re: More problems and extra stress

Hey @Marina0012 thank you for your kind words! And thank YOU for coming here to get help! I'm really happy to hear that you've been able to get some clarity on your feelings and have had a look at options for getting help Smiley Very Happy Your feelings are valid and it's nice that you have been able to articulate exactly where you think they are coming from.

 

Don't feel like you need to rush your recovery either even if it doesn't all seem logical or hasn't completely set in at this point. Emotional trauma I think is particularly hard because it involves a complete change in your perspective of certain people and events in your life. I'll be honest and say that some of the breaches of trust I've had with friends before have taken months, if not years to reconcile in my mind, even after I decided to cut them out of my life. It can be hard to get closure from the pain, and you have the power to decide how you want to process things.

 

How have things been? I hope you're doing okay Heart

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Re: More problems and extra stress

hey again @Marina0012 , I'm so happy to hear you're feeling even a little bit better. you mentioned you hope someone could read your experiences and feel better, well in fact you've already helped me! I have similar values to you, with those kinds of special feelings and relationships being precious and close to my heart, and I went through a situation a while back where someone took advantage of that. it's not the same situation as what you're going through, but when you say you're ashamed of how much it's affecting you,I had that exact same feeling! Now I realise that of course we're going to feel deeply affected when someone violates our trust and our values like that. it's nothing to be ashamed of at all.
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Re: Update!

Hello everyone! Im not sure if anyone will read this since it has been a while but i thought i would just update a little bit. 

Im still not fully able to stop blaming myself, I still feel as if it was totally my fault and find it hard to see as 'sexual assault' or anything like that. 

I opened up to a few friends about it and my boss at work! So he is purposely not giving me shifts that line up with the 37 year old guy. It was pretty scary at first seeing him at work and it made my anxiety crazy haha but I dont see him these days so im okay.

I think about what happened pretty often and its still quite upsetting. That night when it happened I was quite emotional. I was going through a lot of stressful things personally family wise and while we were at the restaurant I was telling him about them and expressing all my feelings and worries which is something I rarely do. He kept ordering the drinks and giving them to me [encouraging me to drink them etc.] while I was telling him everything and that~~ is what led to my drunken state. It may not sound like it but im always very cautious of how much I drink. As soon as i start feeling tipsy is when I stop drinking but on this night I didnt and that was my mistake. I just kept drinking everything he gave me. Ive never been so drunk before and I dont think i can ever forgive myself for being so stupid. I for the most part cant even remember getting to the hotel/motel room...I remember having to hold onto his arm very vaguely because I couldnt even walk straight but thats all i can recall about my journey to the motel lol. Im so ashamed of how incredibly drunk I was!!

Oh! quick note as well, I came to the realisation before that he didnt have/use a condom that night. I cant remember everything that happened in detail (mind you Im forcing myself not to think about what happened as well lol) but he wasn't using protection and it honestly upsets me so much more that if he was successful in going all the way I could have ended up pregnant as well. 

But anyway.... I hope everyone is doing well these days and keeping safe!!