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Please, someone, anyone, help me?

Hello, I am sixteen years old and this is my first post here on reachout.com. I am to say at wits end with my pathetic existence. Where should I start? At four years old we fond out I had OCD and not just simply OCD, severe OCD. It was a living hell but in 5th grade, while living in a long-term psychiatric hospital at the time, I learned to control my OCD on my own. Like get dressed, eat, showering and hug my mother and sister. 

 

During that time and up until six grade, I was being verbally and physical abused by my father. I came out and told everyone. Me and my father only started talking this year. I also was molested by my uncle in fifth grade, after my grandmother died. All these experiences had caused me to be admitted to psychiatric hospitals. Where in some case I lived there for a year or two (in resident programs). 

 

In seventh grade I stared having hallucinations, auditory and visual. They have become more...realistic over the years. For example, I see humanoid creatures like from story books and people that aren’t really there. As well for the voices, it is hard to define whether they are real or not but sound quite human. 

 

I also battle intense homicidal ideations, I will not get into this specially because it is a triggering to talk about it. Though, it is one aspect of what really hurts my social life. You see I'm very antisocial. I leave the house (other then going to school and therapy sessions) three times a month if i’m lucky. 

 

The paranoia has been the worst...I’m afraid of the hallucinations I see and much more. I sleep with a knife in my hand and one under my pillow. I always carry one on me with I leave my room to walk around the house (Use bathroom or shower). I also have much trouble eating, it started as a girl. I thought bugs were in my food, I still do and sometimes when looking at food it makes me throw up. I can only eat packaged food and then I still throughly check it for any contaminants. 

 

Self image is a big thing for me. I spend most my time studying human behavior and how to communicate with other people. I never could understand how other people think. I do this to manipulate them and I do love acting. I also spend a lot of time on my looks, hours and hours really. Though, I can never lose weight! I also stay the same weight no matter how much I don’t eat. I try to manage my eating because I’ve been passing out a lot due to not eating at all so I could lose weight. 

 

The hospital is no longer an option for me. I was admitted last month it was a holiday weekend, I only had the chance to meet with my doctors once. I told them the severity of situation and they discharged me with no plan after our first meeting. I’ve been hospitalized throughout my life approximately 14 times. I am in therapy. and also changing schools, i’ll be intending a behavioral school. 

 

Though it isn’t enough, I live with so much suffering and pain everyday. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and I have a relationship with a demon that may or may not be real. I am at a lose, at this point in my life, as young as I am. I cannot see a future, I know the spirits want be to dye. The earth has told be so as well. I don’t know if it the right choice for me. I want to be happy, but it something that I suppose never existed for me in the first place. I’m sick of asking for help. I'm sicking of trying to carry myself out of ditch. I am even more sicker then these word present me to be. 

Where should I go from here? 

I am breaking..

 

 

 

Re: Please, someone, anyone, help me?

Hi Hexting,

Welcome to Reachout. I think you're brave to post here and share what you've been going though.

It sounds like you've been working to survive since you were little, and you've succeeded in beating some tough things, like learning to control your OCD on your own. That's a big accomplishment.

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and sick of trying right now. But you've faced big problems before and you got through it. Don't give up.

If you're thinking about ending your life, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 - there is someone there 24/7 to talk to. There's also kids helpline: 1800 55 1800.

There's also an info sheet for how to make your own safe plan to help you when you're feeling suicidal.

Make your own safe plan.

Do you have someone in your life you can talk to about stuff you're going through? I hope you will keep chatting to us here.

 

All the best,

 

blithe

 

 

Re: Please, someone, anyone, help me?

Hey @Hexting 

It sounds like you have been through a lot and even though you have suffered through a lot, you have also survived through a lot as well. You are so strong to be going through this and still looking for ways to help yourself out of the situation. 

 

I heard a saying that was just beautiful to me, Breaking is opening, breaking is freeing, at first I didnt understand that but I think what it means is that admitting that you are broken you are opening and you are freeing yourself from the hold that has kept you. It sounds like you have been looking for help and you have been trying and you have not been receiving the help and support that you need. 

 

I can hear that you are suffering and are in pain everyday but I also hear your strength, bravery and resiliance to keep going and finding ways to help yourself through this. As young as you are is exactly right, you are young enough to change, develop and grow. Being happy is a state of mind, its a construction and what I mean by this is you can choose to be happy, happy is an individual experience and it is about self discovery. What would make you happy?

 

In fighting, sometimes we stumble and fall and maybe that is where you are right now and sometimes finding something/someone to motivate you to get back up and keep fighting. Is there someone/something in your life that has kept you fighting? 

 

I think this is a vital first step for you and I hope sharing your story with us as helped you in someway. You are so strong and you may not see that but I certainly see that even though you are going through a lot, you are still here and trying to be happy and better yourself. Before you move on to the next step maybe you need to see that within yourself and begin to love yourself check out this factsheet it might be helpful to read and also here is something on self-awareness, it might help as well. 

 

We are here to support and listen to you 

 

Take care of yourself. 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: Please, someone, anyone, help me?

I know how you feel mate, I'm 22 now going through the same sort of things and I'm still struggling

Re: Please, someone, anyone, help me?

Hey @Hexting 

 

Welcome to Reach Out!!

 

How have things been lately Hexting?

 

 

Re: Please, someone, anyone, help me?

Hey @Kris 

 

Welcome to Reach Out to you too!!

 

I'm sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you. Have you had any relief from talking to someone about the stuff that affects you?

 

Headspace can connect you with a health professional that might have some good ideas. 

 

Is talking to a counsellor something that you think might help?

Re: Please, someone, anyone, help me?

Hi @Kris

Since you and @Hexting are going through the same stuff, do you think you might have any advice frmo your own experience that might help Hexting?

 

Same goes for Hexting, too… any tips that might make things easier for Kris?