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Rapidly approaching crisis please help

When going through this website and the help that is offered for problems, I can’t help but wonder if I am too far gone for help.

 

I battle with eating disorders and body image hugely, In the past few years I’ve experienced trauma and believe I have (or at least had) PTSD of some description. This experience has exacerbated my (What I believe to be) depression, depersonalisation, poly substance abuse issues and overall mental health. 


I left home early for starters at 14, dropped out of high school and began marijuana use. At this time I had a much older boyfriend who I lived with, he was awfully controlling, sexually abusive and possessive. Anyway he gave me meth when I was 14 and my life has been a steady battle with poly-substance abuse issues ever since.

 

From 14 to 15 my vices were cigarettes and marijuana.  Between 16 and 17 I had a pretty bad meth addiction smoking it almost every day for nearly a year.,  Kicked the habit by moving towns and starting from scratch with social media, motivated by the love I had for my significant other of the time. 

 

Between 16 and 18 I experienced some trauma that for me and my life was a huge experience was a really fundamentally life changing experience for me, I was suicidal at 18 amidst the drama.

 

At 19 I continued experimenting with drugs. Between 20 and 21 I struggled with alcohol and drug abuse on on weekends. This was on account of hating my living arrangement (And body) and finding any reason to get out if there and not be alone with my self loathing thoughts...usually meant partying. I’ve never been one to have their eyes rolling into the back of their head. But I have experimented a lot.

 

At 21 my biggest problem/addiction was my eating disorder. Even though I quit drugs I was still drinking on weekends and rapidly went from having a broke teenagers food cupboard to eating a healthy amount, a personal trainer and daily rigorous exercise, hence the weight gain. What I thought would be finding solace and confidence through good health and well-being turned out to be feeling confused and lost about how quitting drugs and getting into a healthy regime made me gain weight and hate myself.

Mind you, this entire time I have maintained employment, interests, positive social circles, motivation and stuck to my core values and beliefs. I wanted to have an undoubtedly upward trajectory in life so I enrolled in university and spent months acquiring my TPP and then enrolled in law as a personal challenge to validate the existence of some intelligence in my brain. I thought that the acquisition of a qualification known for its complexities and drop out rate...after kicking a meth habit and recovering from a domestically violent relationship would show the world that I am going to be successful. I have gone through all the eating disorder troubles on my own without speaking about it much.

 

I am now 22, studying law, I am in my final year. I play in a band, work in a strip club and seemingly have everything together on the cusp of achieving my main goal, to finish uni. But my intrinsic self loathing and low self esteem has been a serious problem for me and it doesn’t seem to matter what self destructive behaviour I am involved with, one addiction just gets replaced with another, with periods here and there where I am totally sober and healthy loving life, but I never maintain that for longer than 6 months give or take. I’ve never stolen, robbed or committed any kind of bullshit to support my habits, but I’ll send myself bankrupt when reliant on it.

 

At exam time last year, I was so stressed, unmotivated and depressed that I KNOWINGLY started up meth again. Since December 2019 my habit has increased a lot.

 

As I type this I have slept for 4 hours since waking on Tuesday morning (it’s now Saturday) 

 

I am exhibiting severe withdrawals when I have none where I am severely depressed, hungry as fuck and unmotivated and a little suicidal. I let it get away from me so fast...

 

I haven’t spoken to anyone in my close circle saying that I smoke meth except one friend who gets on it  to and we aid in each others self destruction and validate the use. I am fearful of the long term consequences on my cognitive abilities and general looks. I am fearful of losing the aspect of my personality that made me strong minded and “able to do anything”

 

I hate the thought of gaining weight but also hate the thought of being too weak and addicted to quit on my own. My habit Is approaching a cost I can’t maintain and will result in losing the good things in my life that I worked so fucking hard to get, namely:

•Great friends who aren’t involved in crime and drugs

• Creative outlets, talents and my uni degree. 
• A healthy relationship with my immediate family. 
• pretty much everything I have like my home and friends non general.

 

Can I do this by myself? Am I stupid for asking? AM I TOO FAR GONE? I am painfully self-aware and really wear my shortcomings on my sleeve...

 

I can’t go to rehab it would severely effect my life and my future regarding any prospective career in law. I can’t afford it at all and I don’t want anybody to be burdened by the problems I create for myself, nor do I want to experience the inevitable rejection and disappointment from those close to me.  I need help regarding past trauma and life events that helped create the shell of a person I am now, first and foremost as it’s the root cause of my problems. I just need help, I feel so alone and I foresee a downward spiral the likes of which are unmatched by past me...

 

Im scared Smiley Sad 

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Re: Rapidly approaching crisis please help

Hey @Loserabuser 

 

Welcome to ReachOut, and thanks so much for sharing what's going on for you. Speaking up takes a lot of bravery! I'm really glad you reached out to us.

 

I'm sorry to hear about all of the trauma you've been through and the challenges you've experienced over the years. I want to say that despite all you've gone/you are going through, is amazing that you have maintained your studies and work, and still have a really positive goal set in mind which is to complete your law degree. You're obviously very resilient. I can also see that you have a significant amount of insight, which is good too.

 

When you ask "Can I do this alone?" - my answer is you don't really have to, and it'll probably be much easier with professional support. You mentioned having an eating disorder, so if you see your GP, you should be entitled to a mental health care plan which includes 40 free (or subsidised) one-on-one sessions with a psychologist per calendar year. I know you are tight with money, but if you see a bulk-billing psychologist then you won't have to pay anything out of pocket. You could also see a psychologist that charges a small "gap" fee so you'll only be out of pocket by, say, $25.00 or something.

 

I know it is not easy, but I really do encourage you to seek professional support. As you said you are very strong-minded, and so I think with professional support, you can get through this. You have a lot of protective factors, such as a great relationship with your family, friends who aren't involved in drugs, creative interests, and your interest in law which will help you along your journey to recovery.

 

I thought I'd also share some free counselling services with you. We have some listed here.

 

More Alcohol/drug specific services include:

- Counselling Online - check them out here. They offer web-based (chat/email) services, which are services are free.

- National Alcohol and Other Drug hotline - check them out here. They can be contact on 1800 250 015. Their services are also free.

 

Eating disorder specific services include:

- The Butterfly Foundation - check them and their services out here. They offer nation-wide, free services. They can be contacted on 1800 ED HOPE.

- Other state-specific services can be found here.

 

Laslty, I had to edit out some of the details from your post, as they went against some of our community guidelines which are listed here. This often happens with new users as they are often unaware of the community guidelines Smiley Happy. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

 

Please keep us updated Heart

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Re: Rapidly approaching crisis please help

Hi @Loserabuser,

 

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us and letting us into your world Heart It sounds like you've been through some truly awful things, and I'm so sorry you're left wondering if you're too far gone for help. I've wondered that before too and it's an awful feeling ☹️

 

For the record, I don't think you are. I think you show huge amounts of strength, determination, integrity, insight, and hope (like possibly moreso than anyone I've ever met), and I believe those traits are each so valuable for healing.

 

It's really amazing how you've managed to, through all this, maintain employment, interests, motivation, positive social circles and a commitment to your beliefs and values. Is it ok if I ask what things in your life (or that have previously been in it) give you a sense of fulfillment?

 

Also, even though I can tell you're an exceptionally strong person, I really hope you don't have to go through this alone. While it can be really scary, it can be so valuable and healing having people or a person you can be real with about where you're at, and know they will support you. On this site you'll always get people who'll be there to listen and support and who won't judge. Do you think there's anyone in your life you could open up to? It sounds so hard facing these feelings and withdrawal symptoms alone. 

 

Kids Helpline 1800551800 is a service I've found useful- you can anonymously connect whenever you like, and they're generally really nice, and are qualified counselors so have some training to help you navigate what's happening, and can recommend other services... Plus you can just hang up/disconnect the webchat if you decide it's not helping.

 

Good luck with everything, and I'm here for you Heart

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Re: Rapidly approaching crisis please help

Hi @Loserabuser , 

 

I just wanted to check in and see how you're going today? 

 

It must have taken a lot of courage to open up about what you've been going through here, and I hope it helped a bit for you. As @Maddy-RO  and @hellofriend  have said, you don't have to go through all of this alone. There are a lot of support services out there to help you, and it sounds like you are an incredibly resourceful, intelligent, and resilient person. 

 

I also just thought I would mention another option that may be open to you, which is your university's counselling service - most universities will provide free support services to their students that are confidential, and staffed by experienced psychologists. I know that a lot of campuses are closed at the moment, but telehealth might be an option that works for you. You don't have to go it alone - we are also all here for you any time you want to check in. 

__________

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Re: Rapidly approaching crisis please help

Hi people

 

Im still in roughly the same boat but to be honest I think I’m on the road to recovering and just wrapping my head around things. I am going to contact around and find a psych that I trust and try and start making some fundamental changes. I think it’ll be fairly slow but I am trying to surround myself with positive people and friends that I love. I am really trying to hold it together. Thanks everyone for your crazy amazing support and kind words to be honest just posting this and reading the responses today has really made me feel like even if physically I don’t have anyone right there with me that there are people out there who will lend an ear and give unbiased and supportive advice. You guys are legit saving lives 

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Re: Rapidly approaching crisis please help

Hey @Loserabuser 

 

Welcome to the forums and lovely to make your acquaintance Smiley Happy

 

It sounds like you've formulated a really good action plan for the road to recovery.  I love the fact that you've acknowledged that it may take time as this will keep you grounded.  Also, by surrounding yourself with positive people and taking the time to find the right psych for you, shows both insight and patience.  We all need someone to help pull us up when we're down and good therapeutic r/ship and some positively can go a very long way Heart.  

 

Of course, we are all here for you so please keep us posted (if you like!) on your journey