I know have a self-mutilation addiction. I cannot stop. The people, who know, being my best friend and family, think I am “fine” again, but it couldn't be further from the truth. Like in any issue, drama or problem people get tried of hearing about it – but in my case its not hearing its visually seeing it. So I now self harm in places people cant see. Now the feeling of the self harm does not satisfy my thirst as such... . Some days, I do feel like I want to end everything, . Ironic to say, but I couldn't live with the guilt of doing that to my family. My parents have already suffered the pain of losing a child, and I couldn't do that to them again. I don't want to do this, I hate having to wear long shirts and cardigans but it’s like a drug. I have never felt this low, never ever this bad. I am in a sea of people, but I feel like I have no one. I have been diagnosed with depression. I don't care about having a label, but more hate the fact that I have a chemical imbalance. I feel in some way its make me mentally retarded, not in a literal sense but in some way that I can’t really describe. I can physically feel when I need to self harm I get agitated, I cant focus, I strum my fingers, my hands shake. I just don't know how to push past all of this. Any advice would be appreciated. Im sorry if the above offends anyone.
It's really great that you are reaching out for help on the forums and there are certainly many other young people on the forums who have recovered from self harm.We strongly believe that the feelings behind self-harm are infinitely more important than the details of what you've done to yourself.
There is lots of help out there and thousands of young people who have recovered from self harm. Have you ever had a look at theBodies Under Siege forums? We also really hope that you stick around here as well and check out these resources:
You've mentioned that you've been diagnosed with depression - are you still in regular contact with your doctor. It's important that you are honest with your health professionals about your self harm. If you are not ready for that yet you could try it anonymously first withKids Help LineoreHeadspace: both offer email, webchat and phone support.
If you are having thoughts of ending your life you can also contactSuicide Call Back Service- they offer webchat or phone support to people having thoughts of suicide.
Firstly, welcome to the forums They're a pretty awesome place where you can connect with other young people who might be going through similar stuff to you. I really identify with the idea of self harm as an addiction. But, that doesn't mean that it's not possible to overcome - I self harmed for a really long time and managed to stop, and there's heaps of people here who have had similar experiences. It's really great that you're able to recognise the ways that self harm effects you and the people around you - that's the first step to making a change.
It sounds like things are really hard for you at the moment. Have you tried talking to anyone in your life about where things are at? Soph suggested letting your doctor know - is that a possibility? Depression is an illness, and it can be treated - you don't have to feel this bad. It's a horrible thing to experience, but there are loads of things you can do yourself and with the help of others that can make it more bearable and easier to recover from. You don't have to go through this on your own - Soph mentioned a couple of services that offer counselling with mental health professionals - would you consider talking to any of them? They can be really great for working out some strategies that you can use in your life to start getting things feeling a bit better.
Self harm can be really difficult to overcome, especially when there's those physical sensations and agitation that come with it. I used to get them too, and I found that trying to replace the self harm with some other kind of intense physical sensation was helpful. Things like holding ice cubes really tight, having cold showers, going for sprints, keeping rubber bands around my wrists and flicking them - things that gave me a really quick, intense physical sensation, but didn't involve hurting myself. It all sounds a bit crazy but it really helped me to have those things where I could get out the feelings of desperation without actually hurting myself. Obviously everyone is different, but maybe you could think of some things that might help you? There's also some good ideas here (http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm/dealingwithurges) on dealing with urges to self harm.
I don't want to go on for too long so I'll stop there… good luck! Keep in mind that thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings - just because you have them doesn't mean that you have to follow through on them. You can get through this!