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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

(TW I don't recommend all the views I hold below)

 

I've had some further insights on this recently which I'm hoping might help...

 

There's a stack of reasons that most (or all) of the time it seems to me like it would be better if I wasn't alive, which I tend to bring up at the beginning of seeing a new professional. There's also intense/ hard feelings I experience a lot, and those tend to come up as well (I think because they ask about them? or maybe I bring it up? idk).

 

I've found that therapy's usually been me bringing up the things that make me really unsatisfied with my life to the point that it doesn't seem to be worth anything, and then them suggesting ways to manage/ lessen intense difficult feelings, which is kind of unrelated and in light of everything else isn't really something I'm interested in? Like I'm not that interested in making my life less painful when it doesn't even seem worthwhile... because most of the time the hard feelings are bearable, and even when they're not that just makes it more likely I'll act on suicidal urges, which if that's the best decision then I don't see why I should avoid being in a situation where I'm more likely to do that...

 

I think hesitance about medication is similar but with other concerns around it as well.

 

So I'm thinking an approach that might give therapy a shot at working would be talking through the things that are making my life unacceptable to me at the moment (which is seeming pretty big and daunting and like it might not be possible to fix) and breaking them down into much smaller goals to gradually improve them and have a therapist to help figure those out and check in about how they're going.And if that was the main goal and I was actively taking steps towards it, it'd probably be easier/ make me feel less guilty about making things less painful in the meantime so I could try some of those coping strategies.

 

Gonna give that a shot and see how it goes.

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

They sound like some pretty big insights @hellofriend and it also sounds like you've come up with an approach for yourself that could make therapy more helpful for you,  which is awesome. Have you found a therapist you like to try out this approach with?

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

@Erin-RO Thanks! I think so...

 

There's someone I've seen twice. The first session was pretty standard, I was nervous, they were nice, I said a bunch of background stuff. The second session was really awkward because I just didn't get past being nervous so didn't really say anything (mainly because after saying the background stuff and having so many unhelpful experiences of therapy previously I had no idea what would be helpful to say. He noted I was nervous and was asking stuff like how I cope/ calm down usually, what I've tried that doesn't work, what I've tried that does work, if I've tried different techniques/ what I thought of them/ explained how they were supposed to help. I just kept freezing and saying I didn't know. We stopped about halfway through. It was after that session that I realised why I hadn't really tried any of them and why I'd always just been frustrated by the suggestion of them. Unless I change my mind at some point I'm seeing him for a 12 week program (weekly sessions) starting in January, so I guess I'll talk to him about trying that.

 

When I first realised this stuff I actually got really excited at the possibility something could help and was so excited I couldn't sleep and was planning on emailing him to say I thought that was a way it might help, because it was pretty awkward and the set up seemed pretty unpromising when we last saw each other. And I thought if he was thinking about other approaches (which I think he said he would be) it would be better for him to have that info. But I called the centre to get an email address to contact him and apparently they don't usually give them out but they said if I sent it to the businesses generic inquiry email and they could pass it on to him. That makes me worried about seeing him again because I'm worried they think I'm a crazy stalker or something? I thought work emails for that sort of thing were pretty common but maybe not. I guess I'll talk to him about trying this approach out at my next appointment though and hopefully it's not a big deal.

 

I might also chat about it with my KHL counsellor? That feels like a bit of a risk though because talking to them is one of the few things that usually just helps and makes things seem more ok that I'm able to do at the moment, and I think the reason this has been a little helpful whereas other counselling hasn't is with this I went into it without any expectations/ hopes for it to help with the big picture stuff, so it doesn't disappoint me and it just helps me cope with the little stuff. But I guess I'll talk to him about it and if he's keen maybe try it, but stop if it isn't working/ is making the counselling less helpful.

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

Hey @hellofriend, really glad to hear that your second session with your therapist went so well! It's really good to hear that you're excited about working on strategies for your mental health Smiley Happy I am sure that the clinic often gets client requests for the therapists' emails, which is probably why they have a system where they can pass the message on to the therapists. They probably didn't think the request was stalker-y at all, but if you're still concerned you can have a chat about it at your next session. 

Calling KHL doesn't sound like a bad idea at all if you think it could be helpful in anyway Smiley Happy 

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

My next appointment's today and I'm feeling pretty worried about it Smiley Sad

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

Hey there @hellofriend
I've had a bit of a skim through some of the posts above and it sounds like you haven't always found seeing someone helpful, which can be really disheartening, I'm sorry to hear you've had this experience x

Since it's been a few hours, have you had your appointment yet?

Did you want to talk about why you are worried?


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

Thanks @Bee

 

Had my appointment. Feeling confused and just pretty crappy and sick of trying Smiley Sad

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

Hey @hellofriend, thanks for sharing your experience on the forums and talking about how you've been going. Please remember that we are all here for you if you need it Smiley Happy

From what I can gather, you've had 3 sessions with this therapist so far, and the second one went quite alright. Do you think that if you spent more time with this therapist that you might be able to feel a little bit more comfortable with them? The idea of telling a virtual stranger everything about how you're feeling can be a bit daunting, so do you think that with time, this may help somewhat?

Let me know how you're going Smiley Happy

BoM
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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

@hellofriend
Sorry to hear you're feeling confused and crappy after your appointment Heart
Would you like to talk about it?


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

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Re: So far 'help' hasn't helped and that's been hard

@basketofmonkeys I've had 3 sessions, but the 2nd session was me sitting there pretty much frozen for half an hour then leaving early. A couple of days later I had some thoughts about possible reasons why therapy (with anyone) hasn't helped so far.

 

This session tried something different. they spent the session trying to figure out if I'm neurodivergent and saying how that's not a bad thing, and ended with them saying to decide by my next appointment if I thought I was or wasn't and either way based on that there were ways to fix the problems.

 

I've got no idea and it all seems meaningless anyway and I'm pretty confident nothing can help and things will never be ok