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Stuck in my relationship, pregnant and have child

Okay so I'm only young, 21 this month... I'm a mother to an 18m/o and pregnant with my 2nd due in December... I should be happy right?! well my children's biological father is destroying me... There is no physical abuse only emotional... I hate him for it and I want out... But I'm so torn... All I've ever wanted was to have my happy little family, I wanted so badly for my children to grow up with their father and to be this 1950s dream family... But it's not... I think I hate my partner... He puts me down, I know I've stopped loving him, I've tried to see the good in him... But it's doesn't work for long... I don't want to leave him for the sake of my children cause he is a good father to them... We have a good life (living wise) we're "renting" off his parents (basically they bought the house and we're paying it off, when it's paid for they'll sign it over in our name) so the house is ours... Living arrangements are fantastic... We might be moving due my "mother in law" wanting to start a business, which would require us to live on site.. I'm excited because it means my children will grow up on a farm, and each have their own rooms (they'll have to share living here)... I'm trying to bury my resentment and pain so that my kids will have a good future with both parents... I also can't afford to move away without making my children suffer... I have family but the living arrangements would be awful for them... Heres the worst part though... For a long time I've known that I still carry a flame for my first love... I ignored it for so long because we were really young and things ended badly, recently I discovered he still carried a flame for me too and genuinely regretted everything... This tore me apart... For years I wanted him to regret it and I wanted to wallow in his pain but instead of feeling happy I felt pain... I wanted to be with him again.. I couldn't though... I was "committed" to the father of my children... Things between my partner/children's father just continue to get worse and worse... We fight all the time, sex is OUT cause of my pregnancy (it hurts) also I just don't want to sleep with him anymore, he's nasty to me, insults me, puts me down, tries to make me feel like I'm always the problem... we've talked yet nothing improves its kids keeps getting worse... I don't know what to do... I cry like once a week (AT LEAST!) I don't let him hear me or see my cry any more because i don't want him to see my vulnerable anymore... He's alienated me so much... I want out and to be happy and try things again with my first love, but I'm stuck because of my children... How can I be so selfish and take them away from their father? I don't want to do that, but I'm miserable... What the hell to do...

Re: Stuck in my relationship, pregnant and have child

I can't edit, but please ignore the word kids in the 8th sentence from the bottom... That's a typo and I don't know how to fix it...
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Re: Stuck in my relationship, pregnant and have child

Hey @Butterdragon, I'm glad you found us and shared what's going on. Sometimes it can be a huge relief just to get it all out of your head. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this - friends, family? First up, I want to let you know that emotional abuse is still abuse. You don't deserve to be treated like that and it's not ok. I encourage you to give 1800 RESPECT a call on 1800 737 732 or use their online chat service. They have counsellors who specialise in relationships and family violence, and they can help you form a plan that makes you feel safe and happy. Would you be willing to try that?