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TW: I am feeling depressed.

I am feeling depressed. I am thinking of suicide.

I am too different from both my mother and my father. They are both alcoholics and they encourage me to drink and go out with them, or with my best friend and drink. She doesn't drink, but I do on occasion. I do not want to go out with my mother and father because they are nearly fifty and I am twenty-two, and all they want to do, other than drink, is go on the pokies and blow their money. My dad has a really good job and earns roughly $70 000 a year and it saddens me to see that he is bowing his money weekly on cigarettes and alcohol, when he could be saving money to go on family holidays. On Wednesday night, my mother spoke with my father about something she saw him post on Facebook. A woman known to my father and is believed to have had intercourse with multiple men commented on his profile picture, to which my father responded with an "x" and "o." Personally, I did not see what the problem was, but my mother was not impressed and expressed her concerns with my father. My father screamed at her and hurled abuse at her (after another night of drinking) and threatened to assault her, twice. He also dragged me involved by hurling abuse at me. I ended up phoning the police for assistance. The police came to our house and my father was not taken away, but a male police officer spoke with my father privately about what had happened. My father apologised to both my mother and I but it was a piss poor one. I still do not accept the apology and I do not accept his behaviour. I don't have the best relationship with my mother but I feel so bad for her. She works hard and no one helps her with anything. I am constantly sedated on my antipsychotic medication and so I can't help mum around the house as I am always asleep. Even when I do help mum around the house, it still isn't good enough for her and she will still find something else to complain about. If there is anyone I know of that is a professional complainer, it's my mother. She can never find the positives in anything, and I have had to put up with it for years. I want to move out of home although I do not feel as though I am prepared enough to do as such. I seek for positive attention from other adults, and the bus driver who I have spoken about in previous threads, is a good example of that, as he used to provide me with positive attention (such as staring at me through the review mirror on the inside and outside of his bus (depending on whether I was on his bus or sitting on a bench waiting for a bus), greeting me and farewelling me (I would be the only passenger on his bus he would do this to), using his mobile phone to take a photo of me with, and telling me that "he had always liked me but had kept it from me.")

 

Another thing I wanted to mention is that I sent my Aunty a friendship request on Facebook to which she has ignored completely. I feel like I am not good enough for her. My family want me to have confidence in myself but they all need to make changes to their behaviour in order to see any change in me. I can't have confidence in myself if they all treat me and each other like crap all the time. 

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Re: I am feeling depressed.

Hey @goldilocks

 

I am sorry to hear that you had a rough night yesterday, how are you feeling this morning?

I can imagine that living at home when you don't agree with your parents' lifestyle choices would be incredibly stressful, so I can understand why you're feeling really negatively affected by their drinking. I am a bit concerned about what you wrote regarding your father - does this sort of thing happen regularly? Do you have any younger siblings living in the house with you at the moment? It would be very scary to experience something like that, and definitely something you should get support for. Have you spoken to your psych about this situation?

I also really empathise with you about feeling stuck by the consequences of other people's actions. It can feel really entrapping to be wanting to improve yourself, and seeing other people not doing the same. Unfortunately however, we only have agency over our own lives and behaviour, and so it's a really bad idea to not make changes that would improve your own situation, if others are not doing the same. What might be a better alternative is to remove yourself for the situation if you can. Have you thought about/is it possible for you to move out of your parents house?

Also just as a heads up, I've edited your title and put it in the body of your message, so that it doesn't trigger other users Smiley Happy

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Re: TW: I am feeling depressed.

That sound really hard @goldilocks 

 

I know the feeling with antipsychotics.. they can really make things hard.

Do you think if your medications are causing you trouble it might be good to talk to your psychiatrist.

When I was first on antipsychotics I was always about to fall asleep, it took a lot of adjusting doses and things before I found a good combination of medicines.

 

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Re: I am feeling depressed.

Hi @Andrea-RO,

 

I am feeling much better tonight knowing that I have netball to attend. But I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with Uni. I do not understand the assignment and it's been frustrating trying to get in touch with my tutor. I fear that I will fall behind and fail. I do not want this to happen.

 

I would say that the behaviour I have witnessed from my father occurs rarely, despite being a confessed alcoholic. I am an only child. No, I have not spoken to my psychiatrist and psychotherapist about this as I haven't seen them yet.

 

I have considered in leaving home but firstly, I can't afford to, and secondly, I am unsure if I feel ready to do as such.

 

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Re: TW: I am feeling depressed.

Hi @Tiny_leaf,

 

I have tried talking to my care coordinator and psychiatrist about the fact that I am always so tired on antipsychotics, but they suggested that they increase the dose or to try another antipsychotic.

 

I am glad things have worked out for you, I can only hope the same happens to me.  

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Re: TW: I am feeling depressed.

Hi @goldilocks, I am glad netball is making you feel a little bit better given you have had such a tough time lately. It is important to give ourselves a break in whatever way we can. Uni can be so difficult, especially during a time like this and with everything else that you have going on. I also hope you are able to get in touch with your tutor - do you have a discussion board that you can post questions on? I used to find that the best way of receiving a generally quick answer.

What is happening at home and with your father sounds really difficult to deal with. Do you think you will chat about this with your therapists when you see them next? Even if you are unable to move out or don't feel ready, it might be helpful to talk about what you can do manage the situation until moving out is an option. You don't deserve to go through that.
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Re: TW: I am feeling depressed.

@goldilocks 

Although I can't offer much advice with your situation, I just wanted to let you know your not alone!! Your so strong, I cant begin to imagine what you must be feeling or how it must be like in your situation. Fight through this!! Im sure you can do it!!! I am supporting you and I know other people are too! Heart You should feel proud of yourself for opening up like this and sharing your feelings and situations. Dont give up~! Heart Im always here to listen to any of your problems and how your feeling!! Heart