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TW: I can’t get over what I’ve done/what I let happen to me

I’m new here...and wary so I can’t come to telling the story yet. It has to do with a situation I put myself in many years ago, or a couple situations. For some reason most of the pain and humility is hitting me hardest now. I guess I was never over it and pushed it to the back of my mind all these years and that’s what caused my deepest depression. I can’t hold it in anymore but I know I won’t be able to take any negative feedback from anyone. I don’t know what I need or how to move on. Perhaps reassurance? It’s so hard knowing there are people in this world who were apart of what happened to me and I struggle to breathe thinking about it. I hate myself so much that I lose track and fear it’ll hurt the one relationship I’ve finally found myself in. Is this the place I come to, to get this off my chest? To try and relieve myself before it becomes too much? 


I isolated myself for years and no longer have friends. I feel this is my only chance to breathe and get my life back. 

Re: I can’t get over what I’ve done/what I let happen to me

Welcome to RO @Findingbetter and thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you may have experienced something quite traumatic? And perhaps that it's effecting your current relationship? We are definitely here to listen and support you. I'll pop in a link to our community guidelines here as this may help you in determining if you're ready to share and this is the right space for you to share. Can I ask have you ever chatted to anybody about this before (friend, family, counselor or helpline)?


I am about to log off for the night but we will check back in with you tomorrow Heart In the meantime if you feel you need some one-to-one support you may want to chat to Kids Helpline  or depending on what happened maybe 1800 Respect 

Re: I can’t get over what I’ve done/what I let happen to me

@Erin-RO Thank you Erin. Yes, traumatic for me. It hasn’t affected my relationship as of yet, but it’s definitely affected my confidence and the way I feel about myself. I want to stop this right before I start allowing it to sleep through, for this is something I don’t ever see myself telling my partner. It’s that shameful even if it was five years ago. I’ll probably post the actual story separately sometime later today.. 


I spoke to a friend about it years ago but never told them the whole story. Left out the actual humiliating part so it never served me complete relief. No one knows the entire story besides the two people who were there with me that night. I’ll let you know it’s your classic case of girl gone too drunk and allowed herself to be taken advantage of. What’s killing me is I don’t feel raped, I feel completely responsible. But I know I need to tell the whole story. 


I’ll try and be patient. Don’t see a complete sense of urgency besides nausea and appetite loss. Thank you so much for hearing me out. 

Re: I can’t get over what I’ve done/what I let happen to me

Hi @Findingbetter,


We are very grateful that you have been open with us about what has happened a few years ago and how that is making you feel right now- you have been so courageous in talking to us about sexual trauma Heart We can help to link you in with some professional supports if you would like them Heart 



You mentioned the feeling of responsibility for the sexual trauma, and this is one that many young people here talk about- you are not alone. I'm wondering if you have seen some of our fact sheets here and here about some of the things young people experience around consent and being taken advantage of? One of the really big themes that comes through is that survivors may go through a few different emotions, including feelings of guilt or responsibility. Those feeling are hard and I can hear it is causing a lot of pain.

One quote from the article I want to share with you is this: "Sexual assault survivors are never, under any circumstances, responsible for somebody choosing to assault them". Heart We believe in you, and we are here for you. 


You mentioned feeling like you can't speak to your partner about this, have you spoken to anyone else about what happened? 


We are always here to listen Heart



Check out our community activities calendar for October 2019 here

Re: I can’t get over what I’ve done/what I let happen to me

Hello Jess, I would love professional support but I live in the U.S so I know I’ll have to do more to find that on my own. I saw the content where other country’s help are listed, that may be my next step. Skeptical in directly contacting someone..

I feel guilt mainly because I let all this happen to me multiple times but you’ll see clearly, I’ve tagged you in the post where I actually talk about what’s happened.

Thank you for your response. This is the first time I’m allowing myself to speak on it.