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TW: Relationship OCD - It’s getting too hard to move forward.

Hi guys,

 

new to this platform so hope this is the right way to post.

 

im 25 and have been struggling with many aspects of my mental health. I have always been an anxious kid, and when I was 16 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety due to childhood bullying/teenage bullying. then as I grew older I realised my sexuality as “gay” and I struggled with my identity immensely. My mum had trouble accepting me, and verbally abused me and made me think I was a monster, but she isn’t all to blame... I think. 

I started dating a girl in highschool, I wasn’t out to my family yet and I had to do a lot of lying and sneaking around, boy did this nip me in the bud in the future.. 

we broke up at the end of my final year, only a 6 month relationship, more like puppy love than anything. Experimental, not sure what or who I was.

 

my first real relationship was long distance, so when it came to flying overseas to meet this person, I tore an even wider hole in me and my mums relationship. 

me and this partner lasted 3 years, until we broke up. But during our relationship my OCD reared it’s ugly head.

i started having intrusive thoughts of being unfaithful on my then partner, cheating, I started obsessing “what if I cheated back before I flew over here??” All the “what ifs”

I drove myself and her mad with my constant guilty feelings, and then it only got worse. My ocd began the sexual and violent intrusive thoughts that left me sick to the stomach.so for the next 3 years I was obsessing about being unfaithful, so mUch checking, asking past partners, looking for evidence.

it drove me mad.

 

when we broke up, my ocd worsened, and I started obsessing that I had sexually abused my ex partners and all the women I had been romantically involved with, I thought of the most horrid things and convinced myself I had done them. 
it was anything from sexual to violent, it really messed me up.

 

come 2019 and I am still struggling, I still have times where I ask my past partners “hey did I abuse you,” and it’s horrible how much I assume I’m “bad”

 

I have a loving partner now, of 1 year, but our relationship has been rocky yet supportive, she is with me through thick and thin. But I can’t help but feel horrible most of the days.

 

i lost my dad about 4 months ago, and I have felt vulnerable ever since. I’ve been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists since I was 16 tried hundreds of medication.

but I feel like the more guilty I feel the harder it is to accept the help.

 

My ocd obsession is focused around the “unknown” I assume I’ve done things and cannot remember.

its such a crappy ocd to have.

 

That’s my back story, but what I’m really struggling with tonight is the following: 

 

I’m ok with making mistakes

It’s more so the fact I am worried I cannot remember making the mistakes in the first place.

 

For example

I Thought I kissed a girl almost 10 years ago, and whenever I got the memory I just shrugged it off, it felt real.

Until I realised that I was still dating My first girlfriend at the time, and I panicked.

If I didn’t worry about it until now In 2019 does that mean I technically forgot that I cheated?

 

Upon asking the girl she said we never did kiss, and I was pretty sure it was a false memory that I accepted and didn’t let it bother me.

 

I saw a relationship expert and she said I show no signs of being a cheater, that there’s feelings that are connected with memories, but still I worry.

 

Everyone keeps saying “it’s impossible to forget cheating”

But it’s like, in this case I technically did ? Forget?? 

 

I feel like I’m the only human on the earth that is able to forget cheating lol. I really don’t want to live in this unknowing limbo, where I’m constantly trying to find answers.

I’m not so scared of actually having done the deed, me and my girlfriend have spoken about if I have cheated we will work through it, but it’s more so the unknowing that’s making me feel awfully sick.

 

i hope someone on this forum has the same issue, someone I can relate to:

 

because I’m dying here, and every night I wish I could sleep and not wake up.

Re: Relationship OCD - It’s getting too hard to move forward.

Hi @Argonn and welcome to ReachOut!

 

One of the values that is important to our community is courage, and I think this value is something that shines through in your post- it's not easy to put your story in words and ask for support from others' who have been through something similar; it's brave Heart

 

It sounds like the thoughts about cheating have been going on for a while, and you have been working with professionals and your partner to cope with them. I am also hearing how painful and heartbreaking the thoughts about cheating have been, to that point that seeking help feels really hard to do, is this correct?

 

When the thoughts about cheating come up, are there any things you do to cope with the distress these thoughts bring? Have you found anything that helps?

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Re: TW: Relationship OCD - It’s getting too hard to move forward.

Hi @Argonn

 

Welcome to RO, I hope you find the forums to be a nice place to chat and connect Smiley Happy 

 

I am really sorry to hear about your dad passing, how have you managing so far? It sounds like your current partner is supportive. 

 

Obsessions and compulsions can be so very hard to deal with and can become all consuming. Is there anything you have found in the past to help ease your feelings? Listening to music, going for a walk, drawing? 

 

You have been dealing with these thoughts for a long time and it shows great strength to keep getting up each day and keep going. 

 

How are you going today? 


Chat soon Smiley Happy