last night my guy friend, that I had recently met, slept over at my house.
he had recently just gone through a break up and was really sad/lonely.
I am going through a lot in my personal life as well and I made really dumb/impulsive decisions.
we both decided that it was a good idea to drink alcohol.
he had more shots in it than I did but I got drunk really quick. I couldn’t walk, slurring words, wasn’t making sense, etc. I seemed more drunk than him even though he had more.
before we had gotten drunk I told him that I didn’t think I was into him and i’d just prefer we stayed friends for now.
from what I remember, we were cuddling (he started it) and he started making out me, I didn’t stop it because, I didn’t want to say no, he kept insisting I wasn’t a rebound but he had met me the day after he broke up with his ex girlfriend.
after a bit of doing things, I asked if he wanted to have sex. I don’t know why I asked because I knew that I didn’t like him and so did he.
he said yeah and I did stuff with him. I told him it wasn’t working and that it hurt a lot.
he kept trying and we kept doing things.
I kept saying it hurt, but I didn’t say no or stop.
eventually I told him to give up and he just cuddled with me, i asked him to sleep in the other room on the couch but he wanted to stay in my bed, eventually he left.
the next morning I felt weird, loads of regret and I didn’t want to look at him. I told him that it was a mistake and we shouldn’t have done it. he said he was going to make jokes about that night/being rejected cause “that’s how he copes”, I told him not to cause I just wanted to forget it happened, but he made jokes anyway.
later that day I was hanging out with my friends and I just kept having memories of what happened the night before, I felt gross and like it was my fault it happened. my friend noticed something was up and after I told him about it I starting thinking about it more and was feeling really anxious and like I couldn’t breathe properly. I had mentioned to the guy the night before that the first time I had sex with someone I told them to stop and they just kept going. I guess in that moment, I felt like if I had said something, he wouldn’t listen to me anyway.
we talked about it and he tried to blame it on me initiating it and saying I knew he was lonely/liked me. a part of me got pissed off and another part of me believed what he said was true. he started saying that he was sorry, he knew it was wrong, and that if he could take it back he would.
I don’t know if I just regret what happened or if I was taken advantage of.
all I know is I lost a new friend because I can’t be around him and seeing him is weird and it makes me picture what happened in my head.
Just letting you know that I edited some of your post and added a trigger warning for other users who may read the thread.
I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's okay to be confused about what happened, especially when it happened so recently. It's unfortunate that this situation as made you lose your new friend. Friendships can be difficult and it can be disheartening when we lose friends. Aside from him, have you spoken to anyone else about this? Talking it out with other friends can be really helpful in dealing with what happened. Another place you can contact is 1800Respect, a professional and anonymous counseling service that specialises in areas of abuse.
ReachOut also has a factsheet over here on sexual assault that might provide some answers for you, what do you think?