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I feel so ashamed for writing this, but I seriously need assistance, and I personally cannot believe that I am actually taking that leap of confidence in order to hopefully retrieve some in return of this never ending saga of mine that I am about to completely open up to you on. 


I am a young woman who has developed extraordinary feelings for a grown man who I typically see out in the public, and appears to be in his thirties. You may think that what I am experiencing is totally normal (well, I believe so, given that it is socially acceptable for women of my age to salivate over celebrities such as Chris Hemsworth, for instance), but I am afraid that there is a catch to this. I believe that, based on my observations over an extended period of time, this man could have definitely developed some sort of attraction towards me. He is the first ever male who I have developed feelings for who has caused me to experience debilitating anxiety.


Please bear with me. Thinking about this is causing me to experience an absolute roller coaster of emotions, and the emotions that I am currently experiencing are not necessarily the nicest.


*takes a deep breath*


Here goes. At the beginning of last year, I returned to study at an adult reentry campus in a current attempt to gain my certificate of education for completing Year 12, after deferring from it in Year 11 for about two years. I had left mainstream high school due to severe bullying and harassment, in which I wish to open up to you about in a future post. Switching schools had resulted in me living walking distance from my old school to having to catch public transport (the bus) to my new school. I never really paid attention to, or even really cared about anyone on the buses running any given service, especially any of the drivers, but I noticed that me not paying attention to any of the drivers (one in particular) had changed in a three-hundred-and-sixty degree direction on an afternoon in October last year. 


I was seated at a terminus stop, minding my own business, when I noticed a bus was parked adjacent to where I was seated, but at a distance. I could not recall what I was doing as I was waiting for the bus to switch to the service that would take me directly home, but what I can DEFINITELY recall is that the driver of that bus has his mobile phone, with the red cover strategically taken off, pointed DIRECTLY towards me, like as if he was taking a picture of, or recording me. I believe that he had his phone pointed in my direction for an extended period of time, for approximately between five to ten minutes. I will not lie to you, I personally find this man incredibly attractive, and I may have... well, um, given myself a considerable amount of pleasure thinking about him from time to time over the past year. Not to mention, I do not wander around in the public wearing promiscuous clothing, in fact, I do not even wear promiscuous clothing at all. So I personally was not necessarily offended by this incident.


I also noticed that, in October of this year, the exact same incident occurred, but at a different location. I was waiting for another bus to take me closer to the place I was undertaking work experience at, when I suddenly noticed that this particular driver pulled up past me to drop passengers off at the terminus of one service that he was operating (which was where I was seated), and then drove off. About two minutes later, the man of interest pulls up again, only this time, before he began his next service, he pulled up adjacent to me, but this time he was at a shorter distance from where I was seated. I have Asperger Syndrome and reading bus timetables and acquiring knowledge about anything bus related has become a specialty of mine over the past two years, and if there is anything that I have noticed with just about every bus driver before commencing this particular service on the mornings that I have been waiting for my bus, is that bus drivers who would be about to begin this particular service would pull up AT the actual zone of which the service would be commenced at. But not this driver. And guess what he does? He sunk down into his seat quickly and seductively, took his phone out, removed the red cover, pointed the electronic device DIRECTLY towards me, and began snapping photos of, or potentially began recording me. At first I pretended not to notice, but when I suddenly turned my head towards him, he pulled a genuine expression of shock, and alomst immediately fumbled with the front pocket of his work jacket in order to put his phone away. He was still seated in a slumped position as my bus pulled up, about five minutes later, and eyed me very cautiously as I entered the bus. It was such an exhilirating experience. And afterwards as the bus that I had boarded drove away from this man, he suddenly leaves the area at which he had snapped photos of me, and pulls up to the zone at which he had to begin his next service at. He had also appeared to have been "checking me out" as I left the location. Why on earth would he seemingly and/or secretively take photos of me? What would he do with them? I am open to, and willing to read any answer, regardless of how crude an gruesome they may be.