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URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

On separate occasions, when I have entered the bus and have had him for my driver, he would always acknowledge my presence, and sometimes acknowledge the presence of the other passengers. From my observations of his personality, he seems to be snobbish and selfish, which I find are traits in a man that make me tingle with sensation. There have been occasions where I have delibeartely sat in either close proximity to him (at the front of the bus), or further away, as a mini social experiment. I noticed that whenever I sat further from him, he would have quick peeps at me in his review mirror, and begin to moan and mutter softly, and in what I would consider a sexual and sensuous tone to himself. One one occasion I saw him check me out briefly through his review mirror, moan, and muttered sensuously to himself, beginning with "SHE...". Although whenever I sat closer in proximity to him, he would refuse to look at me, begin to fidget with the wheel, use his left hand to rub his knee cap, scratch himself, and even talk to himself in a miming manner and make some sort of hand gestures! Why would he behave in such a manner? What is he trying to achieve from this? What is he thinking about? What does he want to do? Seriously, Im not a mind reader. And it is becoming increasingly infuriating trying to read his body language and behaviour and still trying to determine as to whether he has developed legitimate feelings for me or not!

 

In situations where I have seen this bus driver in the public and have not had him as my driver, I would notice that he would sometimes drive past me and act as if I wasnt within his proriferral vision, and would sometimes drive past me and look COMPLETELY in my direction, and either SMILE at me, or look in his side review mirror to get a closer look at me without gaining my attention. On isolated occassions, whenever I would exit the bus at a particular stop, I would say "thank you" to him, and he would ALWAYS say "see ya" to me, and smile, when he does not always give other passengers the same sort of response, from my observations. Once in November, I had him again and after I said "thank you" to him, he did say "cya" in his sweet voice, but as I turned to look at him, he smiled, but looked down and began blushing profusely. Once in September, he pulled up to a stop and asured that the bus remained stationary for a few moments. Out of completely and utterly nowhere, he turns to look DIRECTLY at me with a worried, but seemingly lovingly expression on his face. This lasted for a moment, or up until a siren concerning his handbrake not being applied properly alerted him loudly to do so. He quickly turned away, applied the handbrake, and appeared to be far too embarrassed to even look at me for the remainder of the trip. Once in August, he had to do a change over from one bus to another, and informed all the passengers that they had to travel with him on the change over bus. Fair enough. As I sat in the change over bus, he could not help but look directly at me through the window as he walked over towards the back of the bus in order to help a passenger with a pram on board. As we left, I noticed that he would peer at me through the review mirror and began moaning. According to my observations, he has not repeated this behaviour with any other passenger. When I exited the bus, I said "thank you" to him, and he confidently responded with "see ya."

 

But what about now, in December? He pulled up at the terminus of a location, and by the time most passangers had exited the bus, I remained, and began to experience a minor anxiety attack. He was causing me to have this anxiety attack. I am far, far too attracted to this man. I am obsessed with him, and it is driving me absolutely bonkers.  Honestly, I cannot do this anymore. He noticed that I was having an anxiety attack and was genuinely concerned. He said to me that "if I wanted his help, I had to speak to him", so I explained to him that I was having an anxiety attack. He asked if "I had them often" and if "I take medication for it." He even openly admitted that "he had never dealt with someone with an anxiety attack", and I really appreciated his honesty. He proceeded to ask me more questions, such as "whether I wanted to be left alone or not", "whether or not I was going to be able to stay on the bus so that I could return to the location I boarded at", and he even, oddly enough, asked me HOW OLD I WAS. He also stated that "he saw me another location earlier in the day", and actually asked "why I was there?!" Weird? He must think I am stalking him. Why am I so inlove with him for? Do I have issues? There is absolutely no effing way I can be open to him and admit my feelings to him. I do not have the confidence for that. I am a young woman who has feelings for a man who seems to be twice my age. I want to commit suicide.

 

Has he actually developed feelings for me or am I being a typical woman and over-analysing this? This is making me absolutely paranoid. What if he does have feelings for me? What if he does not have feelings for me? What if he is already in a relationship? What if he thinks I am a weird, crazy stalker? What if he thinks that I am needy or clingy? Why am I even bothering? He would not want someone as annoying as I am. I should just give up, seriously. I honestly cannot deal with this. Oh my God, I feel another anxiety attack coming on! Help!

 

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

@-pringles- Hey there, before we can get into your post I just want to make sure you're safe you mentioned you "want to commit suicide" - are you planning on this? Definitely want you to consider phoning SCBS (Suicide Callback Service) on 1300 659 467.

 

As for the man you have feelings for, it sounds like he's in a bit of a tricky position due to his job. I can see you're of legal age to make any decision about how to pursue this further, but it sounds like you really need some support around all the emotions this is bringing up - would you consider having a webchat with KHL? They are confidential and can provide one on one support to  people between 14-25 years old. The link is here Smiley Happy

Are you feeling any better now?

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

Hi @Bree-RO,

 

I would like to thank you for taking the time to write a response in order to try to assist me with this never ending saga, although I only feel somewhat better. I will continue to experience a roller-coaster ride of emotions in regards to this situation, and knowing this is making me feel incredibly anxious.

 

In regards to your comment about suicide, I tend to feel suicidal, although I have never necessarily made any sort of plan in order to undertake it successfully. I have self-harmed in the past as an alternative to suicide. I use this as a coping mechanism, and I am not going to lie, it has made me feel more relaxed, although it has made me feel like a failure for a human being.

 

You raised a very good point that I was too infatuated to notice properly - "it sounds like he is in a bit of a tricky position due to his job." "I can see that you're of legal age to make any decision about how to pursue this further, but it sounds like you really need some support around the emotions this is bringing up." You are totally correct, and I totally agree with you and understand where you are coming from, as the feelings that he supposedly seems to have for me could definitely affect his occupation. I do not necessarily know what I am supposed to do about this, though? But I do, to some extent, feel kind of relieved that he asked me what my age was. Maybe if he continues to ask me questions about myself again, I could ask him something like: "what have you been doing with the photos that you have taken of me?" Honestly, I do not even know how to address the situation.

 

In terms of reaching out to get further suport about this situation, I would like to contact KHL to speak with them about this issue, although I do not necessarily feel comfortable exposing my face on web chat. I also do not feel comfortable speaking to SCBS. I just do not have the confidence to verbally communicate to others about this. 

 

Again, I really appreciated your response, a rather quick one, too.

 

Smiley Happy

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

Hi @-pringles- perhaps i overlooked this, but i didn't see a mention of photos in your first post. Is that something you're worried about? 

 

I believe that with most of these web chats you can disable your webcam, or just type. So you should be able to communicate in a way that makes you feel most comfortable. 

 

We can definitely keep thinking this though with you too, however just remember that when it comes to feeling really distressed, like self harming, having an anxiety attack of feeling suicidal, that's something that Services Like Kid's Helpline are better suited providing support around. 

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

hi @-pringles-  and welcome to RO

ill find your first saga as your calling them before commenting on the entire thing but caught the last bit about about exposing your face on webchat. i thought the same thing however you dont actually expose your face. 

it is just a chat. as if you were typing here, there no face to face contact.  

thats the same as headspace and lifeline as well. 

 

 

 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because your WORTH it!**

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

Hi @scared01,

 

I am not entirely sure as to what you were trying to communicate through to me with: "I'll find your first saga as your calling them before commenting on the entire thing?" I do apologise if I come across as being rude, I am just confused, that is all. 

 

In regards to the web chat - I did not necessarily realise that I could just simply chat to another individual (a mental health professional, I would assume), like as if it were Facebook Messenger. I always had this belief that web chat was strictly chatting to another individual via a web cam, and via a web can only. I do not use web chat, so I probably am a technological moron when it comes to understanding what web chat is and how it can be used. But I would like to thank you for your clarification. I should give that a try and see how successful I am at retrieving appropriate support. 

 

Also, thank you for reassuring me to never be afraid to ask for help. I really appreciate it, although I am still trying to find my worth as a human being, as well as at a personal level. 

 

Smiley Happy

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

Hi @-pringles- sorry to confuse you. You wrote in your heading that this is the second saga i thought theres another post explaining the first part thats all. I like to read the whole story before i comment  sort of thing. Does that make more sense?

 

No worries i thoughy it meant face to face as well but its not its like talking here. I cant see you and you cant see me but we are chatting. Give it a go Smiley Happy

 

 

Thats ok i struggle with that too. I think we all to really but life is a journey full of discoveriea and learning Smiley Happy

 

 

 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because your WORTH it!**

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

Hi, @Ben-RO,

 

I am not necessarily too concerned with the fact that the man had potentially taken photos of me, although I often wonder as to what he does with them, if he had taken them (honestly, something makes me think that he has taken photos of me.)

 

I appreciate you providing me with the Kid's Helpline service that I can access if I am ever feeling out of the ordinary, although I always thought that Kid's Helpline was strictly for individuals under the age of eighteen? 

 

Thank You for your response 

 

Smiley Happy

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

Hey @-pringles- Kids Helpline is for anyone up to 25 years of age Smiley Happy

 

And the webchat as @scared01 mentioned, is a text chat similar to this but with a counsellor. 

Re: URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED - I AM ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN SOMEONE - PART TWO (FINAL PART)

Hi @scared01,

 

Yes, what you have written makes more sense to me, now. What I had written in my original post was just the one saga Smiley Tongue I could not fit the entire text into the one post, as it had exceeded the ten-thousand characters limit! So I had to split my original post up into two separate posts Smiley Happy

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