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Very bad day

Today my brother and I went up to Melbourne to see Mum, who we both haven’t seen her in a long time, probably longer for him than me me. 

I don’t know how to put this so I am going to take my time and simplify it real good..

We arranged this ages ago and went to where she frequents, obviously when she was “well” she was relatively happy to arrange to see us both. Mum is a lot more unwell that I have EVER seen her. She screamed at me and told me I hurt her unborn child, (not true) and I don’t even know if that unborn child existed or maybe just in her head. She screamed fucking fuck off to us and its like we weren’t even related to her or recognised either of us, but somehow still made the link between me and apparent unborn child.  It was really scary because she can be so unpredictable but I still thought she would at least say hi. I’m not sure what I wanted to get out of the visit but I think I just wanted to see her and make sure she was ok after all this time and after all the pain, deep down I do miss her and I want her to be alright, and I wanted so badly to see her and hope she had turned things around but it seems like it is just getting worse. All it did was make me worried. I used to say I hated her and I wished she was dead but now I just want more than ever for her to be ok and to stop living the life we had to witness today where she can’t even crack a smile or say hello to her own sons. only a few years ago she was wanting to have her kids back now it seems like she isn’t even coherent. 

I feel like a bit of me is broken tonight. 

I’m so sad. That didn’t turn out like I planned or hoped. 

I know people will think it’s weird and im too old for this shit but I just want a hug from my Mum that’s all I have ever wanted and it’s never been in reach but it’s definifely even further away than it was before. Just a hug. I don’t expect her to say she loves me but just a hug. 

😞

Re: Very bad day

Hey @Saltwaterdreamtime 

 

Your post almost brought tears to my eyes. That was hard for me to read. I can understand how that interaction had such a negative impact on you. It was very brave of you to share it with us and to be vulnerable with us. The way you are feeling is definitely not, in any way, weird...and you are in NO way too old to be feeling this way. I'm in my mid 20's and still jump in bed with mum when I'm feeling sad, and I'm not afraid to admit that. The way you are feeling is very valid. It must have been hard to reach out to your mum to only be rejected (in a way). It sounds like she is going through a lot which probably explains her behavior, but either way, it would've been so hard for you to face that. I think it took a lot of courage for you to try and re-build a relationship with your mum, and I'm sad that it didn't work out the way you planned. I hope that one day you can have a good relationship with her. I really do! I guess at this moment you can reflect on the situation and tell yourself "I tried" - trying is all you can really do. 

How are you feeling today? I hope you are feeling a little better than last night  Heart Thanks again for sharing with us. Sending you our love today HeartHeartHeart


Re: Very bad day

These interactions aren’t new, she has always hated me and never shown
affection to me and rejected me, but it took me by surprise that it is THAT
bad... just the lack of awareness
We made this arrangement a while ago and she seemed ok about it, but has
always been unpredictable.
I didn’t expect much it’s been I would say around a year and a half but
that’s not what I thought I would see 😞 @Maddy-RO

Re: Very bad day

Hey @Saltwaterdreamtime, I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through growing up and also with this recent event. I do understand how disheartening and heartbreaking that can feel, my relationship with my mum and family sounds very similar and so hearing your story makes me just want to help although I also understand that it is something not I can help with in a way.

I do not think you are too old for this stuff either, it is completely understandable you would feel like this as I'm sure after all the things you have endured growing up till now, deciding to see her again would have been a huge and difficult decision and you may have been hoping that it would be the time things finally changed, so of course it would feel heartbreaking to have her act the same sort of way she always has.

I am sorry that is the way things turned out, you must feel a mix of emotions of hurt, anger etc and it sucks so bad that is how she acted but I think that @Maddy-RO is right in that all we can do is try. All we can change is our behaviour and our attitude/mindset towards things but that is all we have control over. It sounds like she may act the way she does as a result of her own issues/upbringing and that is no excuse to treat you like that, but that is something she needs to work on and not something you can change. I'm proud of you for giving it another chance and maybe that may help settle things for a while now since you know you have done all you could for now. And in the future it will be up to you whether you want to give her another chance but I also want to say that I can see you are such a compassionate person that you still care for her despite everything. And I know that makes it even harder for you but your brother, friends, family and her (even though she may not know it now) are so so lucky to have someone like that in their lives!

We are always here if you want to chat more about these things <3
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Re: Very bad day

I'm so sorry you and your brother had to go through that experience @Saltwaterdreamtime. That sounds really, really awful. No one deserves that. I reckon it's pretty natural that you would just want a hug from your own mum, she's your mum. It's really hard to switch off that biological thing of wanting some sign of affection or even acknowledgement that you're her son. I know nothing I can say will make this situation easier. I'm wondering if there's something you could do tonight to take care of yourself and show yourself some love?

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

Re: Very bad day

@Saltwaterdreamtime  Wow. That must have been so heartbreaking and devastating. Smiley Sad It can hurt so much when you're rejected by a parent. I feel so bad for what you and your brother had to go through. Smiley Sad

It is perfectly okay to mourn your mum. You can mourn someone while they are still alive, including if they aren't the person they used to be. When a parent is like this, you end up becoming more like a carer for them and not their child. It's a lot to come to terms with. It's understandable for you to still want some kind of acknowledgement from your mum. My mum still wants her mum when she's in pain or needs some support. It must be so hard not being able to get that kind of comfort or support from your mum. Smiley Sad

There is nothing I can say to make it better. Are you able to turn to others for support? There are lots of forums online which can provide support and understanding about dealing with parental rejection or narcissistic parents. Thinking of you and your brother Heart