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Waking Up

I haven't been around for the past year.

There have been so many hurdles in all areas of my life that I couldn't keep up with, so after a few attempts, I stopped trying. Initially, I'd hoped the hurdles would go away, even though past experience had told me that wouldn't happen unless I actively did something about it. Doing things to help yourself is necessary and important for self esteem but the changes I was making were so different to anything I'd ever dealt with that I wanted some outside acknowledgement for any effort I made. When it wasn't consistent, I felt angry which resulted in me abandoning my attempts to try. 

 

I hate being trapped by challenges and negativity. I realised I had 2 options. I could either let my attitude continue to wear me down and keep me angry or I could use the help that had been offered to me and see what happened. If it worked, great. If not, I'd lost nothing and gained a sense of pride that I'd been proactive and tried to improve things. I chose to accept the help that had been offered to me. Initially I was worried it would be pulled from under me but I realised I couldn't live in fear of whether that would happen. I made mistakes along the way. When I found that my world wouldn't collapse despite the mistakes, I began to regain some confidence which helped me continue to try. Eventually we found things that worked, I discovered a love of drawing and watercolour and I'm finally beginning to feel like myself.

 

Feeling like myself doesn't mean things aren't still hard. I'm still muddling my way though life with varying degrees of success, but the most important thing is I'm not afraid to ask questions nor am I paralysed with anxiety over how I'll cope if things fall apart.

 

I have been discouraged but I've also been listened to, comforted and supported when it all gets too much, which it does sometimes. Everyone can relate to that. We all live through the good and the bad in our lives. We live through it because of the things we have some control over and the things that make us who we are. 

 

I know I'm not alone in this experience but that's hard to see when you're in the midst of it. I hope this can help others in some way. If you'd like more details on how I got to this point, feel free to ask. 

Re: Waking Up

@Shadow Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us - it is truly amazing to hear how resilient you've been through what sounds like an incredibly challenging and painful time.

 

Being open to help, and reflecting on what impact these supports and changes have had, takes a lot of strength. 

 


Hearing you say you feel like yourself again really made me smile - that "waking up " feeling is one, many of us crave and struggle to imagine ever happening when in the midst of depression, or other painful struggles. But regaining that sense of self and control, is truely a worth-while journey. I like how you've described yourself as "still muddling your way through life" - and it really sounds like you've gained a heck of a lot of resilience, and a new perspective. 

 

Thank you again for sharing, and I hope others read this and are encouraged, and inspired by your honest and raw story. Heart

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Re: Waking Up

@gina-RO Learning to accept help is hard. It means accepting that it might work and things will get better. This is definitely a good thing for both you and the people around you but also scary too. In some ways, staying angry was easier. If I remained angry, I didn't have to think about the impact it was having on family or friends or how much they were helping to keep my life running. If I thought about that, it would mean acknowledging I was taking things for granted. I hate that. I wanted to regain control. The easiest way to start was with gratitude. I've always been grateful for my life and been thankful for all the help I receive. I thank people for everything. It's just who I am.

 

Re: Waking Up

Hey @Shadow, I saw that your post in turning positives into negatives posted twice, so I removed the second post for you. You are so right in that learning to accept help is hard, in fact, any behaviour change can be quite difficult (some more than others). I always try to remember that behaviour is learned, so new behaviours can be learned too. You sound like you are very self-aware and have made a lot of progress that you are so proud of you. And so you should be, it is amazing to hear that things have improved.