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aweful thoughts. i feel like a monster

So, I married young and have some young kids. My wife has been sick for the last few years and we are barely intimate, I seem to be doing nearly everything around the house and with the kids as she is sick. Recently she went into sugery to fix one of her problems, the problem I had which I feel like a monster for thinking is, I thought about how much easier things would be if she didnt wake up and she passed away from a complication... I felt sad but at the same time indifferent if she did or didn't pass away. Am I a monster??? I wanted to talk to someone about this but didn't know who or what and didnt want judgement 

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Re: aweful thoughts. i feel like a monster

Hey @jim11,

Thanks for posting! This sounds like a really tough thought that you had. I think most people (including myself) will have moments where they think of things that they feel horrible about. The other day I found myself wondering when my boyfriends parents might pass away so we could have the inheritance. I immediately felt so guilty about this thought and do not actually want them to pass away at all. The brain is a funny thing and I think it goes to many places, sometimes quite dark, without actually thinking the situation through. I dont think it is anything to feel guilty about, I think it is actually quite normal. 


In your situation, I can understand how that idea may have come to your mind because it sounds like things have been pretty tough your end. I think what is most important is for you to process that thought, think about whether you actually feel like that or not and what that might mean for you. Once you have gaged your actual feeling about this, it will give you a better indication of your true emotions. What do you think about this?

 

I think the most important thing to remember is that people have so many different thoughts that they do not tell others due to embarrassment or fear of judgement. I know you are not alone in this feeling!!

Re: aweful thoughts. i feel like a monster

Thanks for the response @Rachelle444. It gives me a lot to think about. I think it just comes down to sticking in there and giving more time for my wife to get better. But it just seems to go on forever. I feel tired all the time. Hopefully it will get better soon...

Re: aweful thoughts. i feel like a monster

Hey @jim11

It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of where the thought came from, and it does not sound so surprising if you are feeling so drained from your situation. Sometimes you just need people to vent to that wont be judgemental! We are always here for you Smiley Happy She is lucky to have a husband that sticks by her through the tough times ! Just remember how amazing you are doing Smiley Happy