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Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hi JD13,

You did the right thing in shutting off from seeing your exes posts on Facebook. You both need to be focusing on taking care of yourselves right now, but if you're seeing her life updates on Facebook, it makes it pretty impossible to stop thinking about her or feeling hurt because of things she's got going on in her life. Stay strong and keep away from her Facebook updates!

By the way, there's nothing sooky about checking in with your doctor! It's smart to be trying to take care of yourself, and your doc is the right person to ask if you think you may have depression. I say go for it.

 

blithe

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hi JD,

I think moving on does sound like the right choice for both of you right now. Well done on blocking her posts from your newsfeed.

You've mentioned other girls you know who have been interested in getting to know you and starting things with you, have you been exploring those opportunities? Online dating may turn out to be a good thing you've done also.

Honestly, I have thought for a while that you need to start looking after yourself and maybe try see someone. I know others have voiced similar thoughts on here during your journey. So I think seeing someone would be a really good thing for you.
This is all having a great impact on your life, it is not at all sooky to see someone.
You may be feeling like professional help is only for those who have been through really traumatic experiences, such as what your ex has been though, but that is not at all the case. It's for anyone going through a hard time; anyone who feels like they need some help; anyone who feels like things are getting a bit too much for them; anyone who isn't enjoying life and wants to. Just as you are.

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hey JD13,

 

It aounds like you're taking some steps towards getting through this, which is so awesome. Well done.

You are clearly going through an incredibly hard time in your life, it is so normal to feel really, really crappy. This is an ideal time to talk to a health professional and to get some emotional support.

Just think of it like this; imagine you lost a limb in an accident, and you were bleeding all over the place. You would expect to feel terrible and you would rush out and get some medical treatment.

You've lost something that was a big part of your life for a long time. It makes sense that you would need professional help until you're feeling better.

 

To me, a sook is someone that sits around doing nothing but complaining that they don't feel good. You can't be a sook if you're taking action to get better.

 

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

thanks for the responses guys, I haven't been to see a doctor or anything yet but I do seem to be doing better.

I still get very sad and depressed when I think about my beautiful ex, and her possibly with other guys, or what she would be saying about me to people.
But generally I am doing better.
I feel very tired lately still though, not sure why. I'll give it a little longer and might go see my doctor.

I still don't know what to do with the information I have about my ex's past.
It's really playing on my mind.
What should I do about that?

Thanks

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hey JD13,

 

It's great that things are slowly starting to improve for you. I know it can sometimes feel like it's never going to get better but it's amazing how the heart can heal, even after the most terrible of break ups. It doesn't surprise me at all that you're feeling tired, you may well be emotionally and mentally exhausted. You've been through a hell of a lot. This is why the best advice is to self care as much as possible. Be gentle with yourself. Try and get lots of sleep, eat well and exercise when possible to get lots of endorphins pumping to help with your brain chemistry.

 

And in regards your ex's information regarding her past? Just keep remembering that it's her past. You may know the story but it was her experience. Only she can do anything about it.

 

 

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Thanks Nigio,

I'm entering a bike race for charity, so I need to train for that, so will be getting enough exercise soon.
My mum thinks I'm losing my hair haha. I'm not convinced if I am or not because I've always had a high forehead, but it does seem to be thinning a bit. Maybe all the stress is getting to me? I'll sort it out.

I like the way you said I know the story but its her experience. That's true, I don't even know the story entirely. All I know is it has affected her greatly, and that breaks my heart.
I wouldn't tell her family or friends, as I know she doesn't want them to know.
But I feel terrible, like she confided in me, and I didn't do a whole lot to help. I know her step fathers name, and suburb. I feel like I need to do something with that information, take it to the authorities or something. What sort of person does nothing with that sort of information? I'm as bad as the offender if I don't report what I know? I'm helping to keep this terrible story quiet. Possibly so he can re-offend?
It's really troubling me.

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hi again guys,

 

I've been to the doctor and he says I have depression and anxiety and has given me some tablets. Had them a week, I dont really notice much benefit, but he said to come back in 2 weeks and he might up the dosage.

 

I think I've figured out that my ex is dating someone new. I have suspected it, but now I'm 95% sure.

It is really troubling me, as she said the reason we broke up was about her past etc. and sex being an issue, and she needed time mto figure herself out and 'hoped' we found each other again.

 

I didnt think her dating someone new, so soon, given her past and the difficulties we faced would be on her radar at all.

I am absolutely devestated. This has put everything I thought I knew about her into a spin.

If she is sleeping with this guy, things must be good? And she must be happy?

I want her to be happy, dont get me wrong. Actually thinking about her smiling and being happy is a great thought. However, I never thought that would be we another guy. Given the amount of issues we had.

 

She is telling her friends how this guy keeps buying her nice things and maybe that is helping.

She used to tell me she wanted me to be more romantic, like buy her things. And I always intended to, just not straight after she mentioned it, then I'd forget. Not like I'd neglect her or anything, I gave her xmas and birthday and anniversary presents etc. but I think she did want more.

I guess I was in a tough spot. We lived in my house I paid the entire mortgage for, I was saving for an engagement ring, putting money away for our wedding (neither of our parents would be able to contribute) and saving for an investment property so her, I and our future children would have a great future together.

I now feel like I was an arsehole and didnt buy her little gifts to surprise her and make her feel loved, which may have contributed to our rough sex life? I feel like an absolute arsehole. I thought she knew how much I loved her, and appreciated her. But thinking back on it maybe she didnt? It's really tearing me up!

I miss her terribly. I would take her back if she said she wanted to come back to me, although I dont think thats going to happen.

 

I am just totally shocked she is dating someone.

 

Do you think maybe things are good at the moment because it is fresh and exciting and she doesnt have to sleep with him as they are still new. But once they are an official item, she will feel how she felt with me, like she 'needs' to perform sexually for her partner and she may have the same issues she had with me?

 

I honestly hope thats not the case. I hope this guy treats her right and she has a happy, healthy sex life with him. I honestly wish her the best and all the happiness in the world. But I cant help but feel she may hit the same roadblock she hit with me, and thats a terrible thought.

 

I'm having trouble moving on, and accepting this news.

I didnt expect her to be dating someone, given the stuff we went through and how she broke up with me.

I thought she might try to sleep with someone but not a proper relationship.

I guess I am being selfish? I honestly wish her and him well if she is happier with him. I want the best for her and will always be here for her if she needs me.

 

On Sunday night the TV program last night, there was a story about peadophiles. One woman called the peadophile and recorded the call, and he confessed, so then she had evidence to convict him.

I need to do something to help this situation. I feel like I am contributing to the abuse by not helping my ex or reporting it.

If I can track down his number, should I try to call him and explain who I am and calmly just ask what happened?

He might tell me to piss off, but I could try calling him again in a few months and slowly he might talk to me. I'd record the calls and if he did confess, I wouldnt go to the authorities straight away.

I have lots of books on sexual abuse she knows I brought, she said she would contact me if shes ever ready to face her past and get them off me. IF that day ever comes, I could give her the recording of him admitting to what he did and she could then decide to go to the authorities or something?

 

Is that a good idea?

 

I dont want to do anything to annoy, upset, frustrate etc. my ex. She is a beautiful person and appears to be happy with the new guy. I dont want to disrupt that as much as it makes me sad.

I just need to help in some way, behind the scenes, she doesnt need to know.

I cant rest knowing what I know and not doing anything to help her/report him.

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hi @JD13 

 

I can understand how this might stress you out. Very quickly, I, personally, do not recommend the course of action you're mentioning.

 

Reach Out isn't equipped to provide you with direct one-to-one counselling. Have you spoken to your doctor about these ideas and asked them to refer you to a counsellor or someone similar?

If not, you can also give MensLine a call on 1300 78 99 78 - they're open 24/7. They also have online counselling on their website. They can provide you with the sort of advice you're after that we cannot.

 

Don't forget to look after the most important person here: yourself

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hi  again guys,

 

been a while since I updated you.

 

I have been much better. Much much better. Been dating lots of girls and it is fun.

 

Although, sometimes when I am on a date, and I'm having fun, I feel guilty, and wish my ex was the one I was having this fun with. Then I get cold towards the girl I'm with and cant shake the feeling of wanting my ex back.

 

But overall, I've been much better.

 

She messaged me 2 days ago on facebook. Just to say she lent a book about dogs I brought to her to a (male) friend. He posted it on her wall so she wanted to tell me she lent it to him and hasnt given it away.

 

I hadnt seen the photo as I have blocked everything about her from coming up on my news feed on facebook and have done really well at not looking at her facebook page because I tohught she had a boyfriend. And I adopted the attitude of 'hating' her for 'replacing' me. It helped me move on.

 

However, since her messaging me I have been thinking about her again. I got butterflies in my stomach and felt nerves when she messaged me. I dont know if its a sign I still love her or that I 'hate' her haha.

 

Anyway, this morning I got the courage to look at her facebook. No references to the guy I tohught she was dating for a couple of motnhs. I suspect they did have a thing, but maybe it is over? There is reference to single life in some of her statuses.

 

So I guess she is single. This is a totally new thought to me. I thought she was with this guy, I had been told he was at her house a lot and noticed her refences to him on facebook before I blocked her.

 

While I am dating 2 girls 'casually' and going on many other dates, I still am very much single and I really do love her. She didnt want any contact with me til the end of this year, so I am still sticking to her wishes. I simply replied with a thumbs up to her message on facebook.

 

I guess I'm questioning why she messaged me to tell me about the dog book. Really, it is insignificant. She previosuly had references on her facebook page to her 'new guy' only a month or two after our breakup, when things were still very raw for me. She didnt care about my feelings. That hurt very much. Why would she suddenly care about a book I gave her? Does she still have feelings/care for me? Or am I reading too much into it?

 

I am going to send a Christmas present to 'our' dog. I had brought a present dor my ex some months back before I got this 'hate' toward her. Should I also send that presnt to her for Christmas? I guess I'd love to get in contact with her and see if we could work it out. I dont know if that is an option though but all this has stemmed from her messaging me.

 

I guess I'm just writing this to try and get some sense out of it. I had wiped her from my mind as best I could as I 'hated' her for being with this other guy. But it looks like they arent together and its got me thinking about her again

Re: dealing with a complicated break up

Hey @JD13 

 

Welcome back!!

Now seems like the perfect time to start a new thread about whether old relationships can be rekindled. The Man Cave might be a good spot for it.

And just a gentle reminder that the aim of Reach Out is to discuss issues in a general kind of way. Our aim is to share our experiences and then offer feedback based on what has worked for us. If we try and get specific advice from each other, like directions on what we should do, it can be problematic because we don't have that kind of insight into each other's lives.

 

I'm keen to see what others have to share about hooking back up with an ex or staying single and waiting to meet someone new. Smiley Happy