please help me i’m not alive enough

[fullsun]

I see people on internet, people I look up to, are always working hard. Achieving goals. Experiencing. Living.

I want to get stressed out by work too. I want to stay up all night finishing my paper and complain about it tomorrow to my friends. I want to work hard and party hard. I want to study and be a good knowledgeable doctor.

Earlier I opened twitter and saw one of public figure I admire, working hard on what they do. (I can’t fully explain this without explaining what they do.) And I just started crying. I’m so happy they get to do what they do and they work hard day and night like a robot, I admire them. But i just started crying, crying for myself and because of myself. Please help me, I’m so pathetic. And voices in my head keep insulting me (I go to therapies for that) but how can I ignore it if what it’s saying is the truth. It’s true I’m pathetic.

I’m a medical student and I have so many assignments to do but I simply don’t do it. Please believe me, I just don’t do it. I can’t bring myself to do what I need to do and what I WANT to do. I go to my smartphone, or laptop, or novel, or sleep, or read short stories, or watch any random episode of tv shows i’m not even interested in, I do everything to avoid confronting my responsibilities. Today I slept 6+ hours in the noon after turning off my phone completely. I’ve always been a huge procrastinator since the beginning of college, but it was never to this extent. This has been going on for as long as I can remember and it kept getting worse. I don’t write my papers and at this rate I won’t graduate on time. My father is a doctor and I can’t afford to embarrass him. He’s a good father and never pressured me in anything but the fact still stands that I’m incapable of being my own controller, I actually need to be pressured. I already pressure myself, my head keep saying mean things about me being lazy, but I still can’t bring myself to actually do it I don’t know what is wrong, it feels like there are different host of this body I’m in. I’m talking such nonsense garbage. If you have time please help me.

[lokifish]

Heya @fullsun

Sounds like there's a lot of pressure on you at the moment, hey? do you think the pressure you're putting on yourself is helping you to get work done? Has your therapist suggested other ways of motivating yourself to get your papers finished?

I don't think what you're saying is nonsense garbage - I think this is a fairly common experience (I know it is for me). You're clearly a very bright person and are aware of your emotions which is a great start!

I also noticed that you may be American... I just wanted to let you know that we're an Australian based website and so the support we can offer may not be 100% relevant

[gina-RO]

Hi @fullsun, sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure to live up to some pretty high expectations... must be exhausting.
I know so many of us can relate to that feeling, and to the comparisons that the internet brings. 
Feeling unmotivated can be really tough, and I think getting some support is super important.

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