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Re: sexual abuse

Thanks.

We have decided that I will move out of our house for a month so she can have a breather and assess where her head space is without the perceived pressure of sex. We said we will arrange 'dates' like dinner and movies as if we were just dating again so we will be in contact but it will be dramatically minimised from living together.
At the end of the month we will assess where she is, if she felt better without me and the perceived pressure of sex, or if she was sad because she missed me too much. We might decide I move back in or we take another month break and so in and so on.
We also thought a possibility of when I move back in is that I sleep in another bedroom except for pre arranged nights.
I think this is a necessary step and a possible solution, I am just worried at how long this could possibly take and nervous she may decide she prefers life without me and her perceived pressure of sex.
I am extremely sad but also a little happy, trying to look on the bright side that in a couple of months we may be heading in the right direction together.
Does anyone have any other suggestions as to what may help the situation?
Thanks for everyone's advice, this forum is a great place to turn to in this hard time

Re: sexual abuse

 

Re: sexual abuse

After further discussion, she tells me she has built a wall between us and sex because I have been so understanding and allowed her not to be sexual towards me. She wants space and time to completely pull this wall down and let me back in.
She says she loves me dearly but is not sexually attracted to me anymore. She wants to get back to how she felt when we first became a couple. She assures me she was happy and wanted to be sexual with me back then.
She, and I, are scared she may be sexually attracted to another guy before she gets those feelings back for me.
I am very scared, I do not want to lose this beautiful girl who came into my life some 4+ years ago.
Do you guys think I should have handled things differently? Maybe I shouldn't have let her to up this wall, but I'm not sure how else I could have handled it?
She has used a nice metaphor for outlet situation. She said imagine we are walking down a path together holding hands, then there's a big tree in the middle of the path. Instead of standing wondering how to get past it, she said we will let go of each other, and meet up on the other side. I think that's really nice, she's such a beautiful soul.
She assures me she wants to be with me and that I am her future. She says she had to fight hard for her to become my girlfriend (I wasn't looking for commitment at the time) and she is not throwing it away. Just letting go for a while.
That makes me really happy but then I get really bad thoughts like that she's not attracted to me and makes me wonder if she's telling her friends I'm some clingy boyfriend she's trying to let go of but I won't.
This is a very tough situation for me, but I know it's nothing compared to what she has been through, I feel like a sook in comparison.
I cried in front of her, I wonder if that won't help her be attracted to me, but I couldn't help it.
My brains going crazy since she asked for a break. Sometimes I think it's good and it will help her and us and we will get back together. But just like that I'll start thinking she hates me and has wanted to break up with me for months but I've been a clingy boyfriend she finally had enough of.
Sorry, I'm just rambling at the moment.

Re: sexual abuse

Hi JD, I really admire your love and committment to your girlfriend. You have respected her history and the resulting issues and you continue to do so, even when the going gets hard. I think her metaphor of the path with the tree is beautiful and it sounds like she really believes in the strength of your relationship. If this is what she feels she needs to do to heal, then give it a shot. Every couple goes through periods of waning sexual attraction but it doesn't mean the feeling goes away forever. When you live together, you go through mundane house life that isn't particularly sexy, so some time apart might rekindle the flame. As the old saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's a good opprtunity for you to explore yourself a bit more too, even if it seems a bit scary right now. Your girlfriend really couldn't ask for a better friend, so hang in there!

Re: sexual abuse

thanks for the advice.
I'm slowly coming around to the idea. We couldnt have gone on forever the way we were (although I would have).
I'm just nervous about how long it might take her to sort out her issues and be attracted to me again.
She is staying in the new place we have rented together and I am moving to my mums.
I'm not sure how long this whole thing will take her, and I dont want to stay at mums forever.
Also, I dont want to date other females, but I do have a desire to be intimate with women. I'm scared I might hook up with someone if this break lasts a while and regret it.
I really want her to speak to someone (a psych, a doctor, someone professional) so they can possibly speed up her healing process. She has insisted it wont help, but I think thats because I am suggesting it. I hope she decides on her own that she needs to do that

Re: sexual abuse

Hi JD13,

 

Its great seeing you use the forum to release your thoughts on this whole situation. Because you do need to look out for your wellbeing as well. As we all keep saying you are doing a wonderful job at supporting what your girlfriend thinks she wants or needs. You can always go and see a professional as well, as they may provide some insight in dealing with your feelings/ reactions to this situation.

 

If I were you I would take it one day at a time. Slow progress for certain things in life along with change arent always bad things to experience. Life is one big massive lesson we go through and learn from. I think you are doing the best you can to manage and deal with a complicated situation.

 

LL

Re: sexual abuse

thanks for the advice guys

 

we have been on a break for a little over 2 weeks now. We have only seen each other just once a couple of days ago. We had a good time together, we visited her nan (who doesnt know about the abuse or our break), but then when we got back to her house I wanted to stay to watch a movie with her but she wanted be to go, which made me sad.

 

the break has re-enfored my love for her, but I am not sure what it is doing for her. When we saw each other I asked if she wants me in her life, there was a pause, then she said yes. When I asked why the pause, she said she wants me, but not sex. The pause scares me as I think she may think pushing me away and losing me is easier than dealing with the real issues. This breaks my heart.

 

I have ordered some books online for victims of child abuse and books to help their partners. When they arrive I will read the ones that suit me and offer her the ones that sit her, hopefully she will appreciate that and not think I am tying to control the issue.

 

Not sure what advice I am seeking, just wanted to talk to someone I guess. This break in our relationship is killing me, and the thought of her breaking up with me for good breaks my heart, I can only wait and see what the outcome i, the waiting is extremely hard.

Re: sexual abuse

Hey JD13, I'm glad you came back to update us. You are doing the right thing by your girlfriend and I hope you know that.

 

Have you considered seeing a counselor for yourself? You have dealing with a lot and it might be helpful to have some professional support on your side. Your girlfriend doesn't need to know if you think it will make her feel pressured or upset, but you need to look after yourself too and right now it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of doubt and worry.

Re: sexual abuse

Thanks. It does feel like I'm doing the right thing by her, but I'm not sure if its right for me/us.

We spoke on the phone today. We were texting and I asked how she feels about everything, she said she doesn't think I want to know. So I called her. She says since I left she feels a sense of relief, and she didn't realised how stressed she was over 'everything', I couldn't get out of her what everything meant.

She says she loves me and wants me in her life. But wants time alone to deal with her feelings as she is confused. She seems to think maybe me or our relationship is the problem. I gently mentioned that her past is probably the underlying issue, she said maybe, but said maybe it is me/us. She hasn't really had much sexual experience with other guys other than me. So I can see why she thinks that, but I can't see that it is me/us? It's her past don't you all agree?

I'm scared she might date guys who don't know about her past and are just after one thing. This may worsen her state of mind?

We are giving it another 2 weeks, to see the month out that we originally set. We will decide the next step from there. She doesn't want any contact til the month is up. I think it is because when I talk to her I keep saying I want to be with her etc. and she leans that way because she wants to make me happy. But when she is alone she leans towards not being with me because she feels emotionally free.

She also said she's not sure she loves me as much as I love her. This devestates me because she used to be crazy about me. I thought we would be together forever.

She said she has spoken to her best friend, who knows the full story, and her mum, who doesn't know her past. Both said they just want her to be happy, which is all I want too.

Again, not sure what advice I'm seeking, just wanted to vent and get any opinions if people have any.

No I haven't thought about speaking to a professional, I have a best friend to confide in, she's just confused at the moment.
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Re: sexual abuse

Hey JD.

I don't think anyone here as any right to give an opinion on what the real problem or "underlying issue" is. But I understand how much devastating and painful this must be for you right now. You sound like a really good, strong guy though, and I admire your committment a lot, so I just want to encourage you to stay strong and be patient, give her the space she needs for these next two weeks, because in the end, only time will tell.

I also agree with ElleBelle's suggestion to seek some counselling for yourself as well, because it's really important that you take care of yourself too through all this. It sounds to me like you could really use some professional support as well, because I know how painful and stressful this must be.

Take care.