Its been a while and honestly idk. Life is still pretty shit. I kinda just feel like I'm floating all by myself in a vacuum. Unable to breathe but no one to call for help. It's like I want to be included in things like being the person people could go for help or just to hang out and I just feel like my presence is just there cause it's there not because people want me to be there. Idk if that made sense but that's just how I feel. I just feel like I don't have anyone I can call my best friend or close friend cause there’s no one of my minds where I could rely on for help other than having fun and most of the time I just feel left out. Like at school sometimes I would go to the library to study or do work and I just make up an excuse saying I'm busy after school or I just want to get shit done. But in all honestly, I'm doing it because I don't want to hang out with my friends. It's not that I hate them or dislike them it's just I feel so out of place when I'm with them. They all know shit I don't know so they start talking about it using code names and specific words, they all laugh or give that look and I'm just standing there lost or pretending to go on my phone. It's awkward as fuck and I just feel even more alone. Like I just want to cry cause I need someone so bad but I don't have anyone and honestly, I don't think I deserve anyone either. School used to be a place where I was happy like a place to escape from home and I love it too much. I wouldn’t dare miss school like I would come to school even if I was sick back in the day. But now school feels even worse than home. School just feels like someone is continuously wrapping their fingers around my throat and one slight emotion and ill break down. There are times where I have to breathe and take a break from everyone by going into a bathroom stall and preventing I need to pee just so I can force myself from not breaking down. It's hard and I hate how I feel day today. I went to the school counsellor and I honestly I wasn’t surprised. It was shit. That's all I can say. Yes, I guess spilling all my feelings and thoughts finally to someone after a year did make me feel better but the little exercises we did not help at all. She did not give me any advice that I had previously been given. This was exactly like my counsellor before. I just really want to graduate. leave. Never see my friends again. Honestly leave my house and move over state and change who I am. I think I just need space and time and I just feel like if I go uni overstate with just myself, I can have a go-to find myself. My purpose. My reason for existence? I don't want to go deep lmao but I just feel so grounded and most of the time I just don't know how I feel about anything. I've lost interest in so many things and the only thing keeping my going is
I honestly don't know. I blanked out. I mean why am I still here? Every day feels like such a blur. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I attempt to finish my homework. I procrastinate. I eat lunch. I count my calories. I start to regret eating so much lunch. I convince myself I deserve a milo bar. I eat the milo bar. I regret it. I get tired. I eat dinner. I attempt to calculate how many calories I have left. I accidentally go over calories. I guilt-trip myself. I start feeling my stomach. It feels bloated. I feel like shit. I eat another milo bar. Fuck might as well eat the rest of the family pack chips packet amirite?. sleep. Repeat
I just feel like I need someone to confirm that they care. That they would be there for me cause at this rate I feel like no one would be. I want that person in my life to tell me if there is one cause I feel like there isn’t.
I know how I feel isn’t normal. I mean, of course, it isn’t. I'm daily stressed. And im daily presenting that I'm fuckin alright when it's fucking clear that I'm not.
(I just want to state that I wrote this a month ago and I'm safe atm but I'm still struggling)
Hi @ruthxxx, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds really tough and I can hear how lost and upset you have been feeling lately. School sounds like it is really draining for you and wearing you out emotionally. Being left out is such a horrible feeling but please know you are not alone, it can be really common in group settings. I know I used to feel that way when I was younger and usually it was unintentional or my friends hadn't even realised that I was feeling unwelcome until I mentioned it. Do you think this may be the case for you? Have you tried to talk to your friends about feeling left out?
It is really great that you went to talk to the school counsellor but it sucks that it wasn't very helpful. Do you think talking to a counsellor regularly would be helpful? Usually the first few sessions are like an introduction before you get to stuck into things. I don't know if it helps but we all care about you here
I think it might because I don't think they are intentionally doing it but idk I've become so emotional over the little things. Idk I feel like I might be overthinking or making a big deal out of it and that's probably why I haven't talked to my friends about this. I went for 2 sessions and then she never called me back so I kinda just left it cause I felt like it wasn't really helping anyway.
@ruthxxx I am a very emotional person as well, so I can understand how sometimes you may allow yourself to overthink and it can make it really hard to speak up about something that may be bothering you. Do you think it could be a good idea to write down a few things that you feel are bothering you with your friends, so that if you decide to have a talk to them you will be confident in what you are saying?
Sharing your truth is important, and it will go a long way within your friendships
It is okay to sometimes not connect with a counsellor, it isn't always easy finding one that you feel aligned with, so not going back is not a bad thing. Have you considered finding someone else, or talking to a family member that could be helpful for advice?
Hi @ruthxxx I can empathise with what your feeling I experienced very similar things when I was in school and I'm also an emotional person. I know what your feeling may not seem normal but I think to do some degree it is in that I'm sure most people go through this at some point with friendships and school. Could it be worth trying to make different friends or connecting with them about something you like to talk about and they may have interest in?
You have mentioned some struggles with your body image and what your eating. Let me know your thoughts of trying to remind yourself every day of something about your body and yourself-personality that you like. Could it also be worth trying to make a meal plan to help with not overeating and not having to count calories daily?
This fourm and reach out will always be here for you to support you as you need
It's like idk what specifically is bothering me. As in I just feel so shit about myself that I just don't really want to interact or talk to anyone to the point where I just feel like I don't have anyone I could call as a close friend. Like I would prefer to be alone cause I don't have the energy to talk?? idk that sounds like I'm being mean but that's just how I feel.
Idk really who else to ask as in I used to talk sometimes with one of my maths teachers but she went overseas so I'm not sure when she is getting back and I feel bad for bothering her cause she's done a lot for me. and I don't feel that comfortable talking about this with my parents.
I think its more one that fact that I just don't rlly want friends?? like I just feel so much safer and less anxious when I'm alone and I just feel like I'm choosing to push them back but its like I still feel left out?? idk specifically. I
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling shit about yourself. I don't think what you're saying sounds like you're being mean at all, I think you've highlighted something really important - that friendship takes energy and talking to others can be draining. What kind of things do you like to do when you're alone?
Sometimes I find when I am not in the mood to really talk to others, doing an activity with someone/other people like playing an online game can be a way to get a bit of socialising in without feeling drained after, is there anything like that you might be interested in?
That's super fair @ruthxxx, and honestly I think a lot of people feel similarly - at least sometimes. Were you able to take some time for yourself yesterday?
