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what to say to stop him

What is the best thing to say to an enraged, abusive boyfriend to get him to stop when he is going off at you? It would be useful to know as he can go from calmly normal to a scary psychosis in a split second?

Re: what to say to stop him

Hi @chyna, welcome to RO! 


It sounds like your boyfriend can really fly into a rage at times - and while you might want to be able to communicate with him about how this is affecting you, it's best to remember that during these moments, you should always put your own safety first. If you feel like he might hurt you in any way, don't feel obligated to communicate with him about what he's doing. If he is in a psychotic state, then it's also not likely that he will be able to listen to you or want to hear what you are saying while he's in it, so the best thing to do would be to try and get yourself to safety. It might seem difficult, but if you do feel like you are in serious and immediate danger you should absolutely call the police - don't feel like you need to compromise on your safety for the sake of your relationship.



You also don't need to feel obligated to stay in an abusive relationship - if you need to talk to someone about what you are going through, 1800 RESPECT is a domestic violence/sexual assault hotline which takes calls from all over Australia. This resource also has information on domestic violence support for each state.


Hope this helps, and keep us posted Smiley Happy



Re: what to say to stop him

If you have even the slightest reason to suspect you are in immediate danger @chyna, please call 000. In these situations, your safety is the most important concern and quite often enraged people cannot be reasoned with. Do you have a safe place to go, like a neighbour or relative's house?

Re: what to say to stop him

How're you doing @chyna


Re: what to say to stop him

Im not sure if this helps you or not but this is my story.


In my previous relationship, maybe once or twice a year we would get in a big fight. I would yell and I would hold her down and threaten to hurt myself. I would do this because I felt like she wasnt hearing me and she doesnt understand that she is hurting me (ironic I know). 


After we broke up (for different reasons) I went to a psychologist for my chronic pain issues and she asked about other things in my life and I told her about this behaviour. She then told me that it is never ever right to be abusive towards anyone. She asked me how I would feel if a man bigger than me reacted the way I did towards me. How would I feel?


That moment I realised what I was doing... I can will never be like that ever again cus I understand now that when I do that it doesnt achieve what I want to achieve which is for her to listen to the words Im saying (instead i was scaring her off). I am not actually expressing that her words are hurting me etc. Not having a proper convo. to solve the problem.


Ive told my friends and my new love about this and I know for sure that I will never be like that again.

Hope my story helps.

Re: what to say to stop him

Thank you for sharing your story @standinside. They are really powerful words and it's clear you have worked hard on developing communication skills and understanding the triggers for your anger. You rightly are proud of this and that is just fantastic Smiley Very Happy