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Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

@redhead Even though I'm really sad to hear that you've had to experience that, I think it's a really good thing that you can recognise the things that are wrong and not healthy for you! You should be really proud. That step can be really hard.

 

@stonepixie Those are really good points! I think the big thing with a lot of the things that you have pointed out is that sometimes we like to pretend they're actually good things, for example "they only want to know where I am all the time to protect me", when in fact they're crossing boundaries that might make us uncomfortable or unhappy. An important part of having a healthy relationship is definitely realising when someone is crossing your personal boundaries

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

I'm really glad to see all of us have a good sense of what relationships shouldn't be like! And that brings me to our next question for tonight:

 

It’s a pretty commonly held attitude that women who are experiencing abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, should just simply leave their abuser. It’s often not that simple – and also shows our society’s bias for victim-blaming.  Shouldn’t the question be “why doesn’t he stop being abusive?” rather than “why doesn’t she leave?”. What are your thoughts?

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

It’s a pretty commonly held attitude that women who are experiencing abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, should just simply leave their abuser. It’s often not that simple – and also shows our society’s bias for victim-blaming.  Shouldn’t the question be “why doesn’t he stop being abusive?” rather than “why doesn’t she leave?”. What are your thoughts?

 

I think a lot of people underestimate how isolating it is to be in that situation and how dangerous it can be to leave. A lot of the time victims aren't only isolated in terms of support (which is a big factor in not leaving) but also in terms of resources like finances, access to a car, safe housing when they do leave.

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

It’s a pretty commonly held attitude that women who are experiencing abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, should just simply leave their abuser. It’s often not that simple – and also shows our society’s bias for victim-blaming.  Shouldn’t the question be “why doesn’t he stop being abusive?” rather than “why doesn’t she leave?”. What are your thoughts?

 

I went to a community forum not too long ago which had a huge focus on this at the end. People have to realise that the person being abused might not leave because it is safer to stay than it is to leave, well that is how they feel and another part is the children. 

 

Anyway, after attending the forum I came away thinking that if the abuse is caught in the early stages, one can counsel the abuser as they may not realise what they are doing.

 

Either way, it is an extremely complicated answer to a not so complicated question.


My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's okay. ツ

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

One thing I will say is that the time after a woman leaves is the most dangerous time when is comes to violence and domestic violence homicide.

There are lots of other reasons (shes isolated, lacks confidence, believes the myths of DV, stigma, threats, no where to go/homelessness, economic dependence, control and coercion) but YES why isn't the question "why doesn't he stop!" or "why doesn't HE leave"! By changing the language we might even be able to change the culture...

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

@Chessca_H I totally agree with you! I definitely think the idea of leaving can sometimes be even scarier then the idea of staying. What if no one believes you? What if no one wants to help you? What if you live with them, where will you go? What if you have children or pets together? What will happen to them? Or even just: "They won't let me leave".

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

@stonepixie whether or not an abuser can be counselled to not abuse at any stage of the process is a really interesting and complex debate, I'm still not sure where I sit on that issue

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

@Chessca_H I think it just depends on whether there are any underlying issues or not.

My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's okay. ツ

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

@Sophie-RO Totally agree! We need to address how our culture portrays the issue before we can ever make serious progress in changing things

Re: [CHAT] White Ribbon Day & healthy relaiontships

@stonepixie I think that would be one of many factors that would interplay, I wouldnt even know where to start!