RUOK?

[gail]

So a couple of people have started those conversations... but what about when you're on the other side? If you were going through a hard time, what would you want people to do? Would you want someone to start a conversation with you about it? How would you like them to approach you? 

[LeaLea07]

If you were going through a hard time, what would you want people to do? Would you want someone to start a conversation with you about it? How would you like them to approach you? 

Personally for me it is easier if other people ask me what is wrong/ whats up! I seem to struggle with bringing it up, must come back to trying to work things out for myself first. I guess when I am going through a hard time I want people to listen. I don't want to be interupted by their similiar experience straightaway, otherwise what you have to say seems irrelevant.

So in summary I would rather someone start the conversation with me..

[delicatedreamer]

If you were going through a hard time, what would you want people to do? Would you want someone to start a conversation with you about it? How would you like them to approach you? 

Yes, I would like someone to if it was me. Often I feel very alone when I am having a hard time and I think it would make me feel comforted to know that someone cared. I might resist it a bit at first though. One of my friends did this to me last semester when I was having a hard time and she got me on my own and we had a talk, even some other girls were worried about me too. I was grateful for that because I wasn't up for a group chat. She was very understanding and not impatient or judgemental and was very focused on helping me work out some solutions. As I'm sure you can tell, she's a wonderful person. She didn't forget I was having a hard time either and checked in with me a few times during semester. We weren't that close at the time but she made me feel I could trust her which was great.

[gail]

She sounds like a great friend @delicatedreamer  Do you remember what she said to you?

When I've been approached while having a crap time, I've found it really helpful when friends are non-judgemental, and willing to let me talk to them at my own pace. I'm not often up for blurting everything out straight away, so my friends have learnt that generally they'll have to ask, give me a while to think about it and work out my thoughts in my own head, then the next time they ask, I'll be able to explain to them what is happening. I think it's really important that once you do start a conversation with someone, you are then willing to continue to check in with them - people need to know that you care all the time, not just when they're visibly struggling.

[LeaLea07]

@delicatedreamer - i think checking in with people is great. It can normalise what you are going through to a certain extent as the person/people were not too confronted with what you confided in them. It also restores our faith in people caring. If we spill our beans on important things and never hear from that person again, it can make us feel uneasy talking about hard times later on in life.

[LeaLea07]

It is difficult to think about how you would like to be approached, so talking about what we would or wouldn' t say might be handy.

  What kinds of things do you think you could say to someone if you were worried they were having a hard time? What kinds of things wouldn't you say?

[delicatedreamer]

@gail: Not exactly... I think she just asked me if I was okay and said she (and a few others) noticed I seemed a bit down and were worried about me. She gave me her number too if I needed to talk and offered to help me with some uni stuff which I was grateful for
@LeaLea07: Yeah I agree, it is good to know that they haven't just forgotten about it.

[gail]

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@LeaLea07 wrote:

What kinds of things do you think you could say to someone if you were worried they were having a hard time? What kinds of things wouldn't you say?

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Would say:

- I've noticed you've seemed to be having a hard time... what's happening?

- Is there anything you want to talk about?

- Is there anything I can do?

- I'm here if you need to talk

- Always be non-judgemental, open, patient, empathetic

Wouldn't say:

- Maybe there's something wrong with you

- You should just do x, y, z (suggestions are not always helpful! Sometimes people just need someone to listen, not give advice)

- Anything judgemental about the situation - that's a stupid reason to be upset, why are you even bothered by that, etc

- You should just get over it

[delicatedreamer]

  What kinds of things do you think you could say to someone if you were worried they were having a hard time? What kinds of things wouldn't you say?

I would ask if they were okay and if they wanted to talk. I wouldn't push it too much if they said no, I would just leave it and try it again later (and let them know I was there to talk if they did change their mind). I definitely wouldn't try to force them to talk if they weren't ready.

[gail]

Alright guys... last question for the night!

What if you approach someone to talk, and they don't want to? Is that okay? What if you're worried that they might hurt themselves?