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Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.

So we've discussed how the first time really is a big deal. But many of us have felt some pressure to have sex. 

 

5) Where does the pressure to have sex come from ? 

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.


@fosterthepeople wrote:

EmilyJ wrote

I know this wasn't quite the question, but nik-nak's response prompted this in my mind - I think it's the first time that's built up to be a big deal, and while I agree it is something that should be important, I think it loses it's importance, and people consider it less once the first time is over. This is not necessarily a good thing - I think in general people become more lax about decisions around sex once they've lost their virginity.


That's what I'm worried about as well. There's always the lingering thought that what if I start treating it casual. Then the name calling like slut and stuff happens. Which might be one of the reasons I'm putting a lot of importance on the first time - another source of pressure: movies.


I think the risk of treating sex casually depends on the individual... and it's good you're being cautious about it! Personally I lost my virginity when I was 16, and I don't regret it - I have learnt from the experience and wouldn't be where I am today if I'd made different choices. When I broke up with the boyfriend I lost my virginity to (after a 3 year relationship), I didn't have sex with any subsequent boyfriends until last year at the age of 21. Just because you're no longer a virgin, and because you're in a relationship, doesn't automatically mean you have to have sex. I think there's value to the concept of having a virginity with each new partner - the decision isn't to be made lightly, and the same things should be considered as you would before having sex for the very first time.

 

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.

 Where does the pressure to have sex come from ? 

 

Peers and society are the main sources I think. I think there is an expectation that you should be having sex by certain age which is probably the biggest pressure for me. There a few less-desirable constructions of being a virgin in society too + terms like 'frigid' which can make people feel pressure to have sex I think.

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.

5) Where does the pressure to have sex come from ?


I think predominantly from the other partner and their expectations.  There's so much pressure and if you don't talk about it and are honest and open about it, neither person is going to know what the other is thinking.  Assume nothing.

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.


@EmilyJ wrote:

 Just because you're no longer a virgin, and because you're in a relationship, doesn't automatically mean you have to have sex. I think there's value to the concept of having a virginity with each new partner - the decision isn't to be made lightly, and the same things should be considered as you would before having sex for the very first time.

 


I think this makes perfect sense.

 

Highlighted

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.

 

Thanks for sharing your story Emily!

I agree that just because you have already had sex doesn't mean the value of sex has to be diminished. You can decide what it means to you and nothing can change that. 

 

I loved this part in particular

 


EmilyJ wrote

Just because you're no longer a virgin, and because you're in a relationship, doesn't automatically mean you have to have sex. I think there's value to the concept of having a virginity with each new partner - the decision isn't to be made lightly, and the same things should be considered as you would before having sex for the very first time.

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.


@EmilyJ wrote:

@fosterthepeople wrote:

EmilyJ wrote

I know this wasn't quite the question, but nik-nak's response prompted this in my mind - I think it's the first time that's built up to be a big deal, and while I agree it is something that should be important, I think it loses it's importance, and people consider it less once the first time is over. This is not necessarily a good thing - I think in general people become more lax about decisions around sex once they've lost their virginity.


That's what I'm worried about as well. There's always the lingering thought that what if I start treating it casual. Then the name calling like slut and stuff happens. Which might be one of the reasons I'm putting a lot of importance on the first time - another source of pressure: movies.


I think the risk of treating sex casually depends on the individual... and it's good you're being cautious about it! Personally I lost my virginity when I was 16, and I don't regret it - I have learnt from the experience and wouldn't be where I am today if I'd made different choices. When I broke up with the boyfriend I lost my virginity to (after a 3 year relationship), I didn't have sex with any subsequent boyfriends until last year at the age of 21. Just because you're no longer a virgin, and because you're in a relationship, doesn't automatically mean you have to have sex. I think there's value to the concept of having a virginity with each new partner - the decision isn't to be made lightly, and the same things should be considered as you would before having sex for the very first time.

 


That's a really interesting point EmilyJ, I really like the idea that you can have a virginity with each new partner. It sounds like you really know what you want which is awesome - I wish I was like that.

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.

@ EmilyJ

 

that's definitely give me some food for though. thanks !

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.

@ Sagira - haha we loved exactly the same part Smiley Happy

Re: To sex or not to sex? That is the question.

Sometimes the pressure can come from stereotypes and wanting to keep up with mainstream gossip.
So perhaps to say from peers..