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[CHAT] The (sometimes) ugly aftermath of relationships

originally posted on 17-02-2015 2:58 PM

OR RELATIONSHITS, AMIRITE?

 

Let’s be real for a second: relationships can be pretty great. You meet someone who you think is the cutest, funniest, most excellent person, and – even better – they think that you are the cutest, funniest, most excellent person. You go on dates and invent nicknames for each other and walk all over the place holding hands, and in between the nicknames and the unintentional exercise, a strong bond based on mutual respect, trust and love develops.

 

GR1

 

Sometimes though, things don’t work out like that forever. Maybe you both live too far away from each other. Maybe the parents don’t like you. It could even be irreconcilably different music tastes. Whatever it is, sometimes relationships have to end. The ending itself can be hard – there might be a lot of yelling or ignoring or mind games before you both finally call it off.

 

GR2

 

And the aftermath can be just as tough - you still wish for the feeling of love and being loved, and sometimes it can feel like no-one you know can lift you from the dumps.

 

It can be even more difficult when the ending is sudden or complicated. Your partner might have sprung it on you, or maybe your different backgrounds might get in the way of you being together. It can really be like a sudden loss – you no longer have the security of a loved one caring for you and being with you no matter what. It can be difficult for you mentally, and even physically, and you might even do things that you regret, and would never do in any other circumstance.

 

So that begs the question: How can you deal with a breakup, in a healthy and supported way? Tune in to Monday's Getting Real session - 23rd Feb at 8pm AEST for tips and support, and probably a few stories too.

 

safari93
safari93Posted 18-03-2022

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23 Feb 2015, 11:00 AM UTC

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    Comments (6 pages)

     
     
    treebytheriver
    treebytheriverPosted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:48 PM

    I've never been in a relationship, but I think I was very close to being in one, you could call it "pre-dating" and when that ended it got a bit awkward. I think I was just not mature enough yet, and was imagining things of the future, and when things just didn't end up like that in reality, I realised my stupidity.

     
     
     
    lanejane
    lanejanePosted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:54 PM

    @treebytheriver sometimes when things don't work out it's because there's something better coming your way. if you felt awkward about that relationship maybe it just wasn't the right person for you! 🙂

     
     
    Dreamer 95
    Dreamer 95Posted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:48 PM

    I've broken up with someone once and that went horrible, like the story of that is long but long story short, he was verbally abusive and liked to get his way and after a month i knew i had to leave and i broke up with him for that and for 4 months after he messaged me and tried to make me get back with him and constantly messaged me so i had to get a new number and block, him from everything i had, it was horrible,
    the next short "30 minute not even relationship", he asked me to go out with him and i said no at first and he neally cried so i said yes and 20 minutes later he asked me to have sex and my answer was no, i then left his house and he messaaged me while i was walking and then he said "i don't think this will work out becacuse you won't have sex with me" so that didnt turn out the way i wanted it, after that he kept trying to get me to do stuff and i ended up blocking him also,
    just with me it didnt seem to end well but this relationship i have now is great.

     
     
     
    lanejane
    lanejanePosted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:52 PM

    @Dreamer 95 i'm glad you said no to that guy. sounds like his heart wasn't in the right place. he was just acting on weird hormones or something. everyone in a relationship deserves to feel respected and valued regardless of how "sexually active" they chose to be or not. besides, you had been back together for such a short time. did he expect that you would just jump right into it? silly silly.

     

    glad you have moved on to something and someone better Heart

     
     
     
     
    Dreamer 95
    Dreamer 95Posted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:56 PM

    lanejane 
    he did, he expected me to just jump into bed with him just because he asked me out, only reason he asked me out was because i told him i would be more comfy in a relationship to do things so he tried taking advantage of that Smiley Sad it felt horrible, 

     
     
     
     
     
    lanejane
    lanejanePosted 18-03-2022 07:17 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 9:01 PM

    @Dreamer 95 what a douche 😞

     

    if you ever go through that sort of experience again re: being sexually active and people possibly taking advantage of being in a realtionship, remember we have some info on RO about bringing sex into a relationship. might help you to think things through if you're feeling confused or worried.

     
     
     
    Myvo
    MyvoPosted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:50 PM

    @Dreamer 95 So sorry to hear about that Smiley Sad Had something very similar happen to me too and having to deal with such crap gives you the sh*ttiest feeling. 

     
     
    Myvo
    MyvoPosted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:45 PM

    Have you ever experienced a break up? (Did it go as well as could be expected?)

    Yup. And nope, it was soooo ugly Smiley Indifferent

    At the time, I suppose that I wasn't very emotionally mature as I thought that I was. I'd like to think that now I've improved from my past actions. 

     

     
     
     
    ruenhonx
    ruenhonxPosted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:47 PM

    Hey guys all sorry I'm late 🙂 I'm just here for a bit so thought I'd join in 

     

    Have you ever experienced a break up? (Did it go as well as could be expected?)

     

    I've experienced alot of break ups and most were bad except my last one, we ended on a good note which was refreshing.

     
     
     
     
    lanejane
    lanejanePosted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:49 PM

    Aw @ruenhonx 

     

    How did you manage to end things postively? Share your wisdom with us oh mighty one.

     
     
     
     
     
    ruenhonx
    ruenhonxPosted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:53 PM

    Haha @lanejane

    We actually talked like communicated honestly and openly about everything and we both just realized that if we keep going we are just going to hurt each other so we decided to end it and stay positive and okay with each other.

    Hardest thing ever because we were together for 3-4yrs but we did what was good for the both of us.
     
     
     
     
     
    lanejane
    lanejanePosted 18-03-2022 07:17 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:57 PM

    @ruenhonx you are so grounded and smart. if i could have done what you did in my past relationships i would have saved like WEEKS (or even months) of brain mess and heartache and stuff.

     
     
     
     
     
    ruenhonx
    ruenhonxPosted 18-03-2022 07:17 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 9:00 PM

    Yeah but it took alot for me to get to that @lanejane I had so many broken hearts before I finally figured out how to communicate without bringing the madness out lol. I still struggle with it. Work in progress I think 🙂
     
     
     
     
     
    ruenhonx
    ruenhonxPosted 18-03-2022 07:17 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 9:01 PM

    Do you think it’s worse to be the dump-er or the dump-ee?

     

    I hate being dumped, but then again I think that is a pride thing. So I prefer to be the dump-er although sometimes its hard to dump someone who just doesn't get it so sometimes being the dump-ee is not so bad either. 

     
    j95
    j95Posted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:38 PM

    I feel like some people stay in relationships because they are too scared to leave, they just put up with the problems and live with it. Almost like sometimes it's too late to leave. I am guilty and this and it's a pretty horrible thing but it feels like you can't get out and you just have to "learn to love" the other person.
     
     
    chandelier
    chandelierPosted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:44 PM

    definitely seen people stay in unhappy relationships because they would rather be unhappy than alone! or people that jump into the very next thing that comes along after a break up for the same reason. there has to be balance... like if you are happy and content alone then you'll be less likely to end up in an unhappy relationship.....
     
     
     
    lanejane
    lanejanePosted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:46 PM

    @chandelier people are scared of being single sometimes. i also think it has a lot to do with your friendship groups. if all my friends were single, i wouldn't mind being out of a relationship as much... but everyone i know is like almost getting married. so it makes it heaps harder when you're not in a relationship and everyone else is.

     
     
     
     
    Myvo
    MyvoPosted 18-03-2022 07:16 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:48 PM

    @chandelier @lanejane It also gets pretty complex when someone gets into a relationship because everyone they know is in one. But the relationship is for all the wrong reasons. 

     
     
    Myvo
    MyvoPosted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:43 PM

    @j95 Guilty of staying in relationships too, just because I don't want to be lonely Smiley Sad

    And breaking up is all like: 

     

     
    j95
    j95Posted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:33 PM

    Would you say that sometimes breaking up can be a positive thing?

    For sure!! It's not worth anything to stay in relationship when you feel unloved, used or like it's just not right. Everyone deserves to be happy.
     
     
    chandelier
    chandelierPosted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:36 PM

    @j95 "It's not worth anything to stay in relationship when you feel unloved, used or like it's just not right. Everyone deserves to be happy."

    Well said
     
    safari93
    safari93Posted 18-03-2022 07:15 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:33 PM

    @j95 I like the glue metaphor - once it goes away it doesn't feel like you're connecting to your partner the way you used to

     
    j95
    j95Posted 18-03-2022 07:14 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:32 PM

    2. What are some signs that a relationship might be heading towards a break up?

    when the glue sort of becomes 'unstuck', you're fighting a lot or just generally not getting along. When you find that you are keeping things from each other. Maybe if you think you need to work on yourself?? I know that personally I have broken up with someone to focus on my own mental health and just being for a while.
     
     
    lanejane
    lanejanePosted 18-03-2022 07:14 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:33 PM

    @j95 i reckon your answer kind of ties into my next answer! you've got to be able to still have time for you, and be able to work on yourself, while you're in a realtionship. if you can't do that then it's a sign that maybe it's not the right place for you to be.

     
    safari93
    safari93Posted 18-03-2022 07:14 PM

    originally posted on 23-02-2015 8:29 PM

    Would you say that sometimes breaking up can be a positive thing?

     

    I think breakups can be good if the relationship itself is toxic. Sometimes you need to end a relationship/leave for your own wellbeing or safety

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