[CHAT] RUOK day: How to ask, how to help

Bye guys, hope you have a good night 🙂

@Ben-RO that page is so cool, definitely going to have a look at that soon!

This has been such a great session, thanks to everyone who joined in! 😄

Thanks everyone for a great discussion. Once again I'm glad I was able to come along for it 🙂

Goodnight everyone!

Thanks everyone! I really enjoyed the discussion tonight! Thanks to @KitKat @Chessca_H and @Ben-RO for facilitating and for your hilarious gif contributions! 

What an amazingly massive conversation last night! I was seriously blown away with everyone and their responses, you were all definitely killing it! Thank you all so much! An extra big shout out to @Ben-RO & @Chessca_H for helping out last night!  

So, what did we discuss last night that was so awesome? I've put together a little summary for all of below:

What are some ‘signs’ that someone may be struggling and needs you to ask if they are okay?

There are so many different signs it would be impossible to list them all! Like many of you pointed out last night, we're all different and how we represent ourselves and our feelings can be very different as well! At the end of the day, it's always okay to ask if you're not sure. Some of the more common signs we came  up with included:

• Withdrawn, unusually quiet, seeming upset, don't want company.
• Changes in routine, not doing things that they normally like / enjoy, sleeping or eating patterns change.
• Over the top happy, being upbeat and cheerful even about things a person would normally be sad about.
• Irritable, frustrated, get annoyed easily.
• Trying to minimise their feelings (aka "It's okay, it doesn't matter anway).
• Anything that might be different or unusual for that person.

What kind of things can we say to let the person know that we’ve noticed something is wrong? How can we begin the conversation and help them open up?

• "I" statements, for example "I couldn't help but notice....", "I was thinking the other day....", "I'm worried about...."
• Ask them - "How has life been treating you lately?"
• Make sure you're in a chilled out place so they feel comfortable talking.
• Be non-judgement, remind them that you're there for them.

What are some things we can do during the conversation to show that we’re listening and that we care?

• Positive body language (eye contact, not looking bored etc).
• Do not play with your phone, give them your full attention!
• Don't interupt them.
• Active listening skills (ask questions, clarify things, reflect, put things in your own words).
• Help them relax a little with a joke or story if appropriate. 
• Don't disagree with them or tell them that their feelings are "wrong".
• Don't act differently just because they're going through a rough time, no one wants to be "babied".

What are some things that we can suggest to someone going through a hard time that may help them?

• Talking to people at ReachOut! (YAAAAY!) or making use of other services such as the GP, school counsellor, helpines, Headspace. Teachers and parents can also be a great help, as can anyone that they trust and feel comfortable around.
• Taking some time out to relax and destress - do something that they enjoy and makes them feel good.
• Offer to go with them to appointments if they're nervous or embarrassed (even if you wait outside in the car).
• Encourage self-care (eating right, getting sleep, exercise, scheduling chill time).
• Remind them you want to support them.

If someone has confided in you about something, what are some ways that you can follow up with them, or even help them out with their action plan?

• Let them know you're still around with a text, phone call or facebook message every so often.
• Don't be overbearing or pushy, but checking up and seeing how they've progressed with action plans may help.
• Consistency!
• Go with them to things, be part of their action plan.
• Keep up the support! Remind them that somethings the road to healing can be long.

If someone doesn’t want to talk to you but you are worried about them, what are some things you could do to look out for them and let you know that you’re still there for them?

• Keep an eye on things and let them know you're still there if they change their mind.
• You could check in with other people (like siblings or friends) to make a bit of a support network, but need to be careful that it doesn't look like you're talking about them "behind their back" or that you're overstepping the mark.
• Send them a little care package to make them smile.
• Suggest another service (ie. Lifeline or BeyondBlue) that they could contact instead if they ever feel like talking.

Talking to someone about how they’re struggling can be a stressful experience for us as well! What are some ways that we can make sure we look after ourselves during the conversation and after it?

• Be aware of your own boundaries.
• Remember your own self-care!
• Make sure you're in the right kind of headspace and don't be afraid to take a moment for yourself.
• Have some time for yourself afterwards - do something nice and fun!

Sometimes we’re the ones that need to be asked if we’re okay, and that’s totally normal! Is there someone in your life that you know that you can turn to if you feel like you need support?

• Family members.
• Friends and co-workers.
• Support services (like ReachOut & Lifeline).
• Teachers.
• Even our pets can be there for us! Sometimes it's not about talking, it's just about having someone there with you that you know loves you.

If you could write a thank-you note to someone that has asked you if you were okay, or helped you in the past – what would you say to them?

Aww, you guys had such awesome, lovely notes! It makes me happy to know that there is someone out there that you have that connection with! The guys at R U OK? day are running a little online thing where you can actually put together a thank you note and send it off if you so wish! It has cute little notepaper and everything!

AND THAT'S A WRAP GUYS! Thank you such an awesome Getting Real session!

If you could write a thank-you note to someone that has asked you if you were okay, or

helped you in the past – what would you say to them?


I would say: 

I was kind of annoyed that you asked at first, because i didn't understand that things could be different. Now things are different, and I am so glad you did. Thanks mate. 

If you could write a thank-you note to someone that has asked you if you were okay, or helped you in the past – what would you say to them?

Words can't describe what they've done for me @Ben-RO.

If you could write a thank-you note to someone that has asked you if you were okay, or

helped you in the past – what would you say to them?

Oh wow, this question gives me the feels and brings my deep and meaningful self out, more than it was already anyway! The first thing that comes to mind is speechless I am so overwhelmed with thanks for the many people that have helped me through tough times over the years. Even just people asking the question are you ok means a lot to me because it shows they care and they notice. What exactly I would say depends on the person, but I'd thank them for being there for me, listening to me, checking up on me, suppporting me, encouraging me, strengthening me, the list goes on! 

@Ben-RO not that we'd know anything about that *cough cough*

Sometimes we’re the ones that need to be asked if we’re okay, and that’s totally

normal! Is there someone in your life that you know that you can turn to if you feel like you

need support?

Aside from doing self care stuff, if I need someone to talk to, I have some really great friends who are there for me during difficult times and vice versa. It can really helpful sometimes to just be able to vent and process out loud whatever is going on inside my head. Also, I'll say it again, there's the forums here where we all chat and support each other! If things progress a bit further, I know it might be time to seek out professional support, and my friends are pretty encouraging of this as well. 

Is there someone in your life that you know that you can turn to if you feel like you need support? 

Yes there's a teacher I'd talk to but lately when I've been asked if I'm okay I've rejected the offer for help and said I am even though I'm not.  So I know I can turn to them but I don't and I reject help even though I kinda need it.

That's a tricky spot to be in @FootyFan26! But it's okay sometimes to not be ready to ask just yet. And there are lots of ways to ask when you are ready. Some people write a letter or an email to get the words out that are hard to say in person. Some people draw a line for themselves that if they feel a certain way for a certain ammount of time then they make a promise to themselves to reach out then. But you are the boss of you, and nobody else, so you have to decide. That being said, we will be here and ready to have your back as best wek can 🙂 

@FootyFan26 it can feel really tough to say anything at first, especially as more time passes, but you definitely have the strength to do it 🙂

@FootyFan26 It definitely is hard asking for help and for me too there were times where it took a lot time to ask for help and yes I was nervous at first, but the initial nerves are absolutely worth it in the long run. From watching your discussion on here, you've got a lot of insight and a lot of strength and you definitely have it in you to ask for help, even though it feels difficult now. Don't give up on yourself, you are worth help, you are worth recovery. And we haven't given up on you, we believe in you! 

@FootyFan26 It took me years to finally say something to someone. It may feel impossible right now but believe me it's doable. By posting about it here you're already halfway there 🙂

If you could write a thank-you note to someone that has asked you if you were okay, or helped you in the past – what would you say to them?

I've made an effort to thank quite a few people who've helped me when I'm not okay, but honestly there's not enough words to capture everything I'd want to say. I guess the general message would be: thank you so much x 1000000000, you are awesome and I haven't overlooked your contributions to helping me get better. If you or someone else needs me to return the favour I'll be more than happy to.