RUOK?
We all have crappy days. Totally normal, right? But what about when it stops being a normal crappy day, or two, and starts affecting someone's life? Mental health problems impact around one third of young people, and despite mental health becoming more socially acceptable to talk about, suicide is still the leading cause of death in young people. It's been shown that having good social connections is a crucial protector against mental health problems, and an integral part of getting back on your feet when you're having a hard time.
With social connections being crucial to mental health, it's really important that we all know how to talk to people when we're worried about them. Looking after our friends is so important, and starting a conversation when you're concerned about someone can be really important in stopping little problems from getting bigger. It comes down to three simple words: are you okay? It might seem easy, but lots of people find having these kinds of conversations incredibly difficult. It can be hard to work out how to approach someone, what to say to them, & what to do if they tell you they are struggling.
RUOK day is coming up on the 12th September, and we want to make sure that you guys are all comfortable and ready to start conversations with anyone you're worried about. Which is why we're dedicating a Getting Real session to thinking about how to have these incredibly important conversations! Remember: a conversation can change a life.
This Monday (9th September) at 8pm AEST we'll be talking all about why these conversations are so important, what the difficulties are in starting a conversation about someone having a hard time, & how you can overcome them to make sure you have a meaningful conversation that helps you look out for your mates. This session will be relevant to everyone, so come join!
She sounds like a great friend @delicatedreamer 🙂 Do you remember what she said to you?
When I've been approached while having a crap time, I've found it really helpful when friends are non-judgemental, and willing to let me talk to them at my own pace. I'm not often up for blurting everything out straight away, so my friends have learnt that generally they'll have to ask, give me a while to think about it and work out my thoughts in my own head, then the next time they ask, I'll be able to explain to them what is happening. I think it's really important that once you do start a conversation with someone, you are then willing to continue to check in with them - people need to know that you care all the time, not just when they're visibly struggling.
@LeaLea07: Yeah I agree, it is good to know that they haven't just forgotten about it.
What kinds of things do you think you could say to someone if you were worried they were having a hard time? What kinds of things wouldn't you say?
I would ask if they were okay and if they wanted to talk. I wouldn't push it too much if they said no, I would just leave it and try it again later (and let them know I was there to talk if they did change their mind). I definitely wouldn't try to force them to talk if they weren't ready.
I would say I am there when they want to talk and when they are ready. I would instill all the good things I love about them. I would give them things to laugh about
I wouldn't try to force them to talk or tell them to just be happy.
Alright guys... last question for the night!
What if you approach someone to talk, and they don't want to? Is that okay? What if you're worried that they might hurt themselves?
If they don't want to talk you can tell them that if they need, when they are ready you will be there. It's deffinately okay to not want to talk, sometimes there is nothing you can say.
If you're worried they might hurt themself you can let them know your concerns and make sure they are aware of help if needed 🙂
Thanks for a great conversation tonight everyone. If you missed out on being part of it here is a summary below.
RUOKAY?
Summary
1. Have you ever heard of RUOK day? What do you think it is about? Do you think it's a good idea?
- Alot of us have known about RUOKAY day for quite some time.
- RUOKAY – is a day about mental health awareness and starting what can be a difficult conversation. It provides information on how to have these conversations. We need to be able to have meaningful conversations in difficult times. It has created an opportunity for people to have these conversations. It is a day dedicated to making suicide something that can be talked about and hopefully as a result suicide rates will be lowered.
- It is also about supporting people in need of assistance. It is hard for people to admit when they are not okay. So this day isn’t just about the people asking questions it should also recognise the people answering questions. We all play a crucial role in helping others answer difficult questions.
- It is important to realise that one day might not be enough to promote all the great things it does as we may need to ask difficult questions and have difficult conversations more than once in our lives.
- After all it may be a pretty good day to tell someone you need some help.
- Overall …. RUOKAY is a Fantastic idea, great idea.
2. What do you think the benefits are to reaching out for help? At what point do you think you or others should reach out to others for support during hard times?
- It is important to get help before things get too hard. Our bodies are good at tricking us into thinking we are fine when really sometimes things are so great.
- We often feel less alone and less supported once we reach out for help. Sometimes it is hard to realise when things aren’t so great, but if we do this in our own time talking to anyone can be beneficial.
- After all humans do not live in solidarity – we need people around us. Having on going and consistent conversations may be the key – rather than allowing things to build up on us.
3. Sometimes, people find it really hard to ask for help. Why do you think this might be?
- People struggle with talking OR listening. People may not ask for help in fear of a response or lack of response.
- People feel like they won’t be believed.
- People see it as a sign of weakness or our pride gets in the way.
- So many of us strive for unrealistic ideals – like being 100% happy, or for life to be 100% perfect.
- Admitting it to yourself is hard.
- Lack of people around to ask for help.
- People like to work things out for themselves.
- Judgement and stigma.
- Not knowing where to turn to.
4. Have you ever been in a situation where someone isn't doing well, and you've started a conversation with them about it? How did you go about this?
- Some people have found themselves in situations where they offer their help. Making yourself available and listening are big thing in being able to do this.
- Casually talking about general things and then approaching the topic may be a way to bring up when a person isn’t doing so well.
- Making sure the conversation is in a safe and private environment may also be something to consider.
- Not providing too much advice can be a good thing.
5. If you were going through a hard time, what would you want people to do? Would you want someone to start a conversation with you about it? How would you like them to approach you?
- Some people felt it was easier for someone to approach them if they were having a difficult time. Listening and the other person not making the situation about themselves was a preferred way of people approaching a difficult conversations.
- After having a difficult conversation with someone it is nice if they check in on you. Often we can feel quite alone and it feels like we are cared about when people take the time out to check in with us.
-
6. What kinds of things do you think you could say to someone if you were worried they were having a hard time? What kinds of things wouldn't you say?
|
Would say…
|
Wouldn’t say… |
|
I've noticed you've seemed to be having a hard time... what's happening? - Is there anything you want to talk about? - Is there anything I can do? - I'm here if you need to talk - Always be non-judgemental, open, patient, empathetic - letting people know you are there when they are ready to talk |
Maybe there's something wrong with you - You should just do x, y, z (suggestions are not always helpful! Sometimes people just need someone to listen, not give advice) - Anything judgemental about the situation - that's a stupid reason to be upset, why are you even bothered by that, etc - You should just get over it - wouldn’t push them to talk if they said they were okay.
|
7. What if you approach someone to talk, and they don't want to? Is that okay? What if you're worried that they might hurt themselves?
This can be a very real and valid scenario - but the thing to take away is you have asked them. And sometimes that is a difference in itself. Sometimes people don't realise they are not okay until they think about it. People might say no on impulse or due to being put off guard.
If you are worried they might hurt themselves - talking to someone that knows them- such as a family member, another friend etc may be helpful. You could always raise your concerns again down the track. You can also make sure they are aware of services or people out there willing to help.
So imagine you've approached someone you're worried about, had a conversation, and now you'd like to give them some more information on stuff like depression, stress, or feeling overwhelmed. Where can you look for information? Are there any services you might suggest to someone who needs help?
Check out our help page: http://au.reachout.com/Tough-Times/Getting-help/Helping-myself-and-others
And if you're worried about someone hurting themselves, contact any of these: http://au.reachout.com/Emergency-Help
Good thoughts guys 🙂 I just want to add that if you're really concerned that a friend might hurt themselves, it's important that you take action to ensure their safety. That might mean having to talk to someone else in their life, like a family member, teacher or other adult - which can sometimes be an awful thing to have to do, but it's better to be safe than sorry. You can also contact Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Lifeline (13 11 14) for advice.
Alright, time to wrap up for tonight. Thanks to everyone who contributed, and remember to check in with your friends this Thursday for RUOK day! Keep in mind that it's important to ask regularly, though - not just once a year. Take care everyone 🙂
What if you approach someone to talk, and they don't want to? Is that okay? What if you're worried that they might hurt themselves?
I think this can be a very real and valid scenario - but the thing to take away is you have asked them. And sometimes that is a difference in itself. Sometimes people don't realise they are not okay until they think about it. People might say no on impulse or due to being put off guard.
If you are worried they might hurt themselves - talking to someone that knows them- such as a family member, another friend etc may be helpful. You could always raise your concerns again down the track.
If you were going through a hard time, what would you want people to do? Would you want someone to start a conversation with you about it? How would you like them to approach you?
Personally for me it is easier if other people ask me what is wrong/ whats up! I seem to struggle with bringing it up, must come back to trying to work things out for myself first. I guess when I am going through a hard time I want people to listen. I don't want to be interupted by their similiar experience straightaway, otherwise what you have to say seems irrelevant.
So in summary I would rather someone start the conversation with me..
Judgement, feeling like you may not be believed.
I know myself I can see it as a weekness,
@Bee - I completely see your point of view when you say people see it as a weakness. I think we are on similiar pages with what we think about asking for help. I think I see it as a weakness because I like being in control of how I feel, so I try to fix things myself.
@Bee - just out of curiousity, do you see others reaching out for help as a weakness? Or just YOU reaching out for help? Why do you think that might be?
@LeaLea07: Yeah, it's similar with me. control. wanting to to do it myself...
Great question @gail. It has got me thinking...
Sometimes, people find it really hard to ask for help. Why do you think this might be?
I think our pride can be a big thing. Maybe sometimes we get embarrassed to admit when things are not so great. It is like we live in a world where things need to be perfect or we always need to be happy. Has society created unrealistic ideals of how we should think and feel?? I am not saying this is entirely the case - but sometimes the expectations on ourselves and on life in general can become too much.
Sometimes, people find it really hard to ask for help. Why do you think this might be?
- Don't want to admit it to yourself.
- Don't have anyone around who would actually care.
- Don't want to worry anyone with your "problems"
- Want to try to sort it out yourself.
Yep, I've definitely felt all of those things before about asking for help @mischiefmanaged - do you think they're helpful though?
Great points @LeaLea07 ! It's weird though, because it's so unrealistic to think that anyone could be 100% okay 100% of the time - but for some reason, that's what so many of us strive for. I think that's part of why it's so important to hear more about mental health difficulties in society, particularly in the media, because it helps to breakdown those expectations and gives people permission to admit that we're not all perfectly fine, all the time - and that's okay.
@Liz2013 wrote:
I think that because some many people don't know how to talk (huge part of it is listening) and this scares people who need help.
Good point - I think a huge part of some people not wanting to reach out for help is fear of what the response (or lack of response) will be.
@mischiefmanaged wrote:
Hey guys,
I've known about RUOK? for quite a while. It's definitely got more popular over the past couple of years! It's a great concept but is hard to carry out. Not just for those asking others if they are okay, but also those who are being asked - it's hard to admit to someone that you are NOT okay.
@mischiefmanaged - thanks for joining in 🙂 Definitely - I guess the important thing is that we make sure we're comfortable asking our mates if they're okay, and that we're prepared and comfortable is the answer is no. I suppose the more we have these conversations in society, perhaps the more comfortable people can be with not only asking if someone's okay, but saying that they're not okay.
@rosie I am really looking forward to tonight as well! So much so I am asking the next question.... 🙂
2. What do you think the benefits are to reaching out for help? At what point do you think you or others should reach out to others for support during hard times?
@LeaLea07 wrote:
2. What do you think the benefits are to reaching out for help? At what point do you think you or others should reach out to others for support during hard times?
The benefits would definitely be feeling supported, not alone, and more able to deal with whatever is going on for you.
I think it's really important to reach out for help from the people around us, because it's super difficult to try and manage on your own when your'e having a crappy time. Humans aren't meant to live in solitary - we NEED people around us. I think that as soon as your thoughts/feelings/behaviour are getting you down or having an impact on your life, it's important to talk to someone about it. That doesn't mean that you need to be in crisis or that things even necessarily have to be "bad" - I complain to friends all the time about small stuff! I think it's having ongoing, consistent conversations between friends about how things are that keeps small problems from getting bigger. And if they do start to get bigger, someone knows about it, and is able to help whoever is having a crap time to find the support they need to overcome it.
