SLOW-MO GR: Family Changes, 7th-11th October

Thanks for the tag @ecla34 

Have you had any changes in your family that have had an impact on you? How did it make you feel at the time

My brother moved out at the beginning of the year. He moved in with his girlfriend's family and he's really happy. But since he left I feel a lot more lonely. I now eat alone, as we used to eat together while the parents eat in the room. We used to talk about our days, and problems etc.and now he's gorn I feel a lot more alone and lonely as I sit by myself  at home and at school. He finished school last year and I used to sit with him and his friends. But it's all apart of life I still feel sad sometimes even though it's been a few months.

Have you had any changes in your family that have had an impact on you? How did it make you feel at the time?
Around a year ago, my sister became unwell. She had been recovering from a knee operation when she developed some other medical problems (FND and CRPS), which resulted in her having pain and difficulty walking. We were shuffled between different hospitals and doctors. Eventually, she became unable to walk. It took more than half a year for her to be admitted to the hospital she goes to now and the admission dates kept changing, and still do. During that time, my mum and I were caring for her and the whole family's lives had to revolve completely around her care. When she goes to hospital, I have to care for my grandma at home because my parents are out all day. I have different caring tasks every day right now but I still try to volunteer a few times a week and do short courses and things like webinars whenever I can.

It has been really hard for everyone to adjust. I have been rejected from jobs and some volunteering opportunities because some employers don't want someone who has to put their family duties first. This was really disheartening and it felt like my life was on hold. I also have a lot of arguments with my parents because I am in the process of applying for postgraduate courses and I want to organise some respite because I won't be around to care for my grandma as much after I start. They have an 'I don't care' attitude and are in denial whenever I tell them what I need or the problems I am faced with, which I get really frustrated with. Currently, we can get two hours a week of respite, but it's not enough for me as I am volunteering for longer than that. It is also really anxiety-inducing thinking about what could possibly happen when I am out of the house.

Thank you so much @Bananatime04 @Maryhadalittlelamb @drpenguin @WheresMySquishy  for contributing to this conversation Some of you have touched on some experiences/memories that may bring up some heavy feelings. I just wanted to remind everyone to take the time they need to process any emotions they need to and to get some support if you need. 

Have you had any changes in your family that have had an impact on you? How did it make you feel at the time?

Looking back there have been so many changes that my family have gone through! Growing up my mum always had an open door policy which meant that it wasn't uncommon for us to have friends/family members come to live with us for period of time when they were in need. On a few occasions we had guests with us for almost a year! These long stays sometimes impacted me because I was sensitive to others peoples emotions in the house. I think at the time I felt frustrated having to accommodate for new needs in the household. It was also hard when guests ended up leaving because we got used to having them around.

What did you do to cope with this change? What support is out there available to us?
I did a lot of research about how best to support my family members. There were a lot of useful sites and services for their conditions. I found carers' websites to be a big help too.
Here is a really helpful list I found for services for young carers. I filled out the forms on this website and it gave me some PDFs about the skills I have obtained as a carer, which might be useful for future positions. I also found this resource really helpful (thanks ReachOut!)
I often talked to my extended family about it. They listened to me and helped out a lot with the practical stuff, such as mobility equipment and major transferring tasks.
One of the things I found really helpful was keeping a calendar or diary of the appointments, tasks, my volunteering shifts and other activities. I would have been so lost otherwise.
I love watching TV shows, playing games, writing and listening to and reading stories to distract myself. My sister has similar ways of coping, so it's good that we have some things that we can do together.

@ecla34  I found websites and online resources to be helpful for my own chronic conditions, especially when trying to explain them to other people and finding exercises I can do. Although, I tend to stay away from forums now because it can get kind of depressing hearing about 'magic cures' and things that have worked for other people, because my eye doctors haven't managed to get my eye conditions under control yet. It can also be disheartening reading that the treatment I am on has only been effective for 10-15% of people in studies or that the reason that I have to get it from a compounding pharmacy is because there is limited evidence of its effectiveness as a branded prescription drug. Websites for my family members' conditions were really helpful though. I guess it really depends on the condition.

Hi @Bananatime04, 

I’m sorry to hear how hard this topic has been for you, it sounds like this topic might be close to home at the moment It is 100% okay to sit this activity out if the topic is upsetting or hits a nerve- you wellbeing is important

We trust you can work out what activities are going to be helpful or unhelpful in the moment, and encourage you to access your supports if you need to  

Hey @Jess1-RO  🙂

i haven’t seen you around for ages! I missed you!
I might sit this one out if that’s ok.. it is a bit hard for me. Thank you 

Completely understand 🙂 You can also unsubscribe from this thread too if you don't want the email reminders or notifications  

This can definitely be a tough one to chat about, so thank you to everyone who has contributed so far!

Time for another question:

Do you have any advice/an experience you'd like to share about changes in your family? For example, what lifestyle changes should we expect when we live away from home? 

Have you had any changes in your family that have had an impact on you? How did it make you feel at the time?

Probably around when I was four or five my my mum got divorced with my dad, my sister and I often got to see him on some weekends, we would see our Nan, pop, and uncle as well because they lived in the same house.

Then my mum got another divorce leaving her with my another two kids, my other two sisters. He was my step dad for about five years and was a major father figure I guess in that time of growing up.

Both times were terrible, it causes us to be constantly moving never really staying in one spot.

My pop then passed a few years after that which at the time didn't cause much sadness for me until about a year later. I was a bit confused how to feel at the time.

What caused big distress for me was when we had to move when I only had 1 semester until I graduated primary school, I was filed with anger towards my mum because I was blaming her for making us move and leaving all my friends that I knew from year three and graduate from a school I didn't want to go to.

I don't see or haven't seen my dad in years, he has issues with alcohol which is the reason my mum got divorced.

What did you do to cope with this change? What support is out there available to us?

I coped with every situation by keeping to myself I never really talked to my mum about it, I found it really difficult to talk to people about my problems and thoughts, I still do to this day. I also coped with it by getting very angry and crying, often breaking things or end up hurting myself unintentionally.

@Bananatime04 my heart hurts for you reading your response, i can't imagine how that must have felt and still feels 😞 do you get to see your brothers often or are able to contact them much? Sending you a massive virtual hug xx

 @drpenguin so glad that moving country has ended up being a really positive step for you in terms of independence,and growth, but it sounds like it was a really tough transition! Making the decision to study in another country where you don't yet speak the language fluently is beyond brave and so admirable! 😄

@Maryhadalittlelamb ahh that sounds like a really big change, having an older sib move out makes the house feel so much emptier! 😞 Do you guys still chat with each other a bit to catch up with what's going on? xx

@WheresMySquishy ah gosh that sounds super frustrating, having your concerns ignored or brushed aside! 😞 You put in so much love and care and I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that you'll be able to get the respite you need  

@Bre-RO that sounds like a lot of adjusting! With getting used to people being there and then having to say goodbye and be used to them being gone

@Esperanza67 that's such a beautiful way of describing your family, as one heart I'm glad it was whole again after a few months

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx 

I just wanted to check in with you because that sounds like a really difficult time to go through with your family. Dealing with study stress, bullying and pressure from within your family is a lot to juggle. They say comparison is the thief of joy, but I totally get how hard it is not to compare yourself to others, especially if it's your own sister. 

Hey @Pasta 

Thank you for sharing the changes that your family have endured. It sounds like there were definitely some really tough times there. You mentioned that part of how you learnt to cope with this was to break things and sometimes unintentionally hurt yourself. I'm just wondering if you've ever spoken to anyone about that, or received any support for it? 

I just want to reiterate to take extra good care of yourselves today - thinking about difficult changes can be emotionally draining. We are here if these conversations have bought up some heavy emotions for anyone  

Thursday Time!

How can we keep open communication going through times of change in the family? Why is this so important? 

Have you had any changes in your family that have had an impact on you? How did it make you feel at the time?

At first, I struggled to see any change in my family, basically because I've been in a caring role for my mum for a very long time. But the last few years have seen lots of changes, from my injury and needing help with it (but not getting it), to recover from it, to my brother leaving school and after a while getting a job and having to help get him to and from work due to him not having his licence yet and being rural means no public transport apart from Taxi. (There is a small bus service outside of school drop-offs, but only during business hours and it's not used a great deal, probably because it's unknown to most people)

What did you do to cope with this change? What support is out there available to us?

Change can often be difficult to cope with, for me I find reflecting about what I'm finding difficult helps, be it by journaling privately, talking to a friend or helpline.

Supports: Reachout Forums! Kids Helpline, Lifeline, friends, family, pets

Do you have any advice/an experience you'd like to share about changes in your family?

I think the biggest piece of advice I can give is to look after yourself, lots of self-care and being mindful of what you need during the time. Change can be hard, and adjusting can be so challenging and if we're not giving ourselves space to acknowledge and feel all the emotions around it, it can make it extra hard.

How can we keep open communication going through times of change in the family? Why is this so important?  

Communication is important as we haven't figured out how to read minds yet 😛 

In all seriousness though, we can't tell what someone is thinking or feeling by looking at them; sure sometimes we can take a guess that someone might be sad if they are crying, but we won't know why unless we communicate and ask them. 

I think a big part of keeping communication open is being willing to listen to others when they are speaking. And if you're the person struggling with the change, saying something in some way be it via text, email, written form or a drawing, can help open communication 🙂

Do you have any advice/an experience you'd like to share about changes in your family? For example, what lifestyle changes should we expect when we live away from home?
- Leave the house every once in a while. If the person you are caring for needs monitoring or care all the time, try to time it for when another person can take over the caring duties.
- Plan for emergencies.
- If the person you are caring for needs aged care assessments and services, try to apply for them as soon as possible. They can take months or even years to happen, even if the person is marked as 'high priority'. You can get services while waiting for an assessment or home care package but you might not be able to get services for people with more complex or greater needs until much later. I have some resentment towards my parents for waiting until my grandma was almost 90 before applying for any kind of service. It would have been a lot easier if the process had been started a long time ago.
- Caring is so much more than doing physical tasks. It's also about providing emotional support, coordinating therapies, talking to healthcare professionals, translating, doing household chores, checking up on them, etc. All of that is equally hard work and time-consuming, and all of those tasks are equally valid.
- Encourage your loved ones to have some money saved up or allocated towards their current or future care needs. You will often end up paying for some kind of service. In my experience, it is hard for people to afford them unless they have some money saved up.

How can we keep open communication going through times of change in the family? Why is this so important?  
- Go over expectations and boundaries from the start.
- Don't be afraid to speak up if you need help.
- We were advised to delegate caring tasks to each other so that one person is not doing them alone (although, whether other people actually follow through on their tasks is another story).
- Check up on your loved ones and ask how they are coping from time to time. Don't just assume that they are coping well.
- It can help if you have someone in your family who is good at coming up with important questions to ask. I am this person in my family and it has resulted in getting a lot of useful or crucial information we wouldn't have been told otherwise.
- Communication can help a lot with family members who are ill. If they feel that their family members are on the same page, it can help their recovery.

What can we learn from change? As a person and as a family?

Change can be something dramatic or it can be a continuous process. With family members who need care, it can be a continuous learning curve and involve a lot of trial and error.
Experiencing and adapting to change can improve your resilience and provide you with a lot of coping and life skills.
I think that some of the changes we experienced helped make us closer as a family. I believe it has taught some of my family members not to take things for granted or to sweat the small stuff.

Has there been a big change in your family that's been positive?
The only thing I can think of right now is when my relatives from Canada temporarily moved in with us a few times over the years. It was a full house, but we learned a lot from them and made some great memories together before they passed away. I miss them a lot.

Those are some awesome resources @WheresMySquishy ! Thank you so much for sharing them! I agree that the internet has lots of 'miracle recoveries', which kind of vary between being hope inspiring and being just way too good to be true, you know? It's hard to sift through! Glad that some of the information you've found has been helpful in explaining your own conditions and your family's. I think you're definitely right there, it seems like there's lots of variation depending on what kind of information/support you're looking for!

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx alllll the gifs! 😄 
I'm so sorry to hear that these transitions have been really hard to work through 😞 It sounds like there was a lot going on all at once How have you been finding the start of the new term? Big hugs your way!

@Pasta having so many changes in such a short period of time sounds so so frustrating and really overwhelming It sounds like it's left a lot of difficult emotions that are really hard to work through 😞 Is there anything that helps when you're feeling upset and angry, that's a safer outlet for how you're feeling? I know some people do things like scream into a pillow as a way or releasing negative emotions, would something like that work for you?

@Bee I agree with you times a million with everything you said about communication! We really run the risk of assuming we know how people are feeling and thinking when we're not communicating, and oftentimes we're not quite on the money with our assumptions! That's when really big misunderstandings start happening 😕 Also really agree that it's just as important to listen as it is to be heard. Very frustrating talking to someone and having what you say go in one ear and out the other! 

Last set of questions for this week's GR guys! It's been awesome hearing your thoughts/experiences! It's not an easy topic for sure, so lots of hugs to you all xx

What can we learn from change? As a person and as a family?

and to end on a good note!

Has there been a big change in your family that's been positive? e.g. birth of a sibling 😄

Because we touched on so many different family changes, and the repercussions they can have in other areas of our lives, I thought i'd pop together some different resources to have a look at!
Some of it is ReachOut content, and some is external websites and hotlines

For Dealing with divorce and custody and How to cope with your parents' divorce, RO has some really helpful articles and infographics to get started. It's got some tips for communicating what you need and how to feel more in control amongst other advice!

There's also the brilliant resources for young carers that @WheresMySquishy linked, which i'll post again so it's all here too There's also the CarerGateway hotline 1800 422 737. I think there's also potentially a callback and counselling service available through this service too, not sure if anyone has any experience using this service?

There's lots of advice for coping with bullying here, which also has suggestions for building a Bullying Action plan and methods of coping We're also always here to talk things through as well!

RO has some starting points for moving out of home and moving away to study which could be worth taking a peek at for ideas! 😄 

To be able to talk to someone about anything that's been going on, whether to do with family changes or not, there's also:
Lifeline 13 11 14 

Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 (their tagline is Anytime. Any Reason. So there's no reason too small to get in contact with them! )

eheadspace

If anyone has any more resources feel free to add them! 😄 

Aww too bad it's nearly over! But there have been so many detailed replies in this thread so that's awesome! 

What can we learn from change? As a person and as a family?

I feel like change is something that happens all the time in small amounts, whether it be a sibling going to a new school, or getting a new job. Sometimes there are dynamic changes in the family, like separations or moving away, and it's important for each person to find a way to slowly adapt to the change. Giving yourself time to adjust and process what's happening can help with family changes. For the family, I think a proper amount of mutual support and acknowledgement of the change can go a long way in helping everyone come to terms with it.

Has there been a big change in your family that's been positive?

I feel like me moving home after over 4 years has been a big change for my family, and it definitely was a big change for me. My home is now a lot more noisier than before with me there, but I think my family enjoys it. 

@drpenguin I love that! Sounds like an awesome change coming home after four years! 😄
I really like your comments there, about how change is always happening, whether big or small. Really good point about giving yourself the space and time you need to process and adapt to change, rather than forcing yourself to cope right away!

If anyone's missed out on this chat during the week by the way, no stresses! You're more than welcome to keep chatting on this topic over the weekend too! Would love to hear what you all think!