Slow-Mo GR: When help isn't helping

@WheresMySquishy those decision aids sound really helpful, are you able to link any?

How would you define "help"?

Something that makes things easier overall. Whether that's makes it easier to do things or deal with them or improves them. Something that supports wellbeing.

Also I like @Anonymous's thing of the person actually wanting help. That's pretty important.

How do you find out which supports would meet your needs?

I think first you have to identify your needs, and ask for help if you need any ideas on who/ what might be able to meet them.

If the thing you need help with has a name (like bullying or depression) you can also look up people who can help, or see what has helped people with similar problems.

How would you define "help"?

I would define it as something that facilitates your own growth in a situation you feel overwhelmed by or/out of control. Someone taking over and doing everything for you doesn't allow you to learn your own strength, build resilience and connect to your needs. However, someone gently guiding you in the right direction - I personally more helpful. It means that when I've overcome something, I did it and learnt something along the way. 

How do you find out which supports would meet your needs?

I think this one questions really comes down to the situation you need. If you need help moving house it could be as simple as asking a friend if you lend their Ute!

If it's something deeper, to do with your physical and/or mental well being it could take some time to find the kind of help that sits right with you. It might be having a case worker, a psych or counselor. Maybe, it's reconnecting with the things that have made you happy in the past. For me, getting back into dancing and swimming (something that I did a lot of as a child) made me feel instantly uplifted and connected to myself. A combination of different therapies, treatments, support networks and time to unwind/be happy - for me is so important. 

I really love the point that's being emphasised about asking people what help they need and if they need it  @Anonymous that crossword analogy is such a helpful way of conveying this! 😄 (also a really funny mental image idk why i'm just imagining someone getting progressively more irritated with each word suggestion)

This chat actually really reminds me of some of the discussions we've had about advocacy, and how important it is to communicate well with the person you're trying to advocate for. Personal agency and choice seems to be a really big thing the community talks about for chats like these and it's so awesome hearing different perspectives on this!  

Following on from what we've been talking about, here's today's questions 😄

What are some signs that something is or isn't working when seeking help?

What options do you have when the 'help' you're getting isn't working for you?

How do we let professionals/our support system know that things just aren't working?

(maybe not like that 😛 your mileage may vary )

What are some signs that something is or isn't working when seeking help?

This may seem obvious but it took me a bit to realise... 

If you feel a bring hatred towards the person who's meant to be helping you, there's probably something not right.

If you're consistently feeling worse after the session AND don't feel like you're making any progress, that could also be a sign. Things like therapy can be hard, but if you feel bad after and nothing changes it's not really worth it.

Also if you aren't meeting the goals you set, that can also be an issue.

What options do you have when the 'help' you're getting isn't working for you?

Talk to the person first. Often they'll notice that something isn't working as well, and will be willing to listen.

Your other option is to leave.

If they're making things worse, it might be worth leaving straight away. If they just aren't making things better, it might be worth staying until you've found an alternative.

How do we let professionals/our support system know that things just aren't working?

This is a hard one for me...

Maybe some simple phrases like "I don't think we're making any progress" "I feel like I'm getting worse" "This isn't really helping"

Also thanks @WheresMySquishy 

What are some signs that something is or isn't working when seeking help?
When something is making you feel worse rather than better, or you've been doing the same thing for a long time and haven't seen any measurable improvement. A treatment could also have a lot of side effects that outweigh the benefits of having that treatment.

What options do you have when the 'help' you're getting isn't working for you?
You could talk to the treatment provider about your concerns, get a second opinion or research other kinds of treatments or providers.

How do we let professionals/our support system know that things just aren't working?
I like to ask them what the purpose of having or continuing a treatment is. I think that wording it like a question, for example, 'Do you think my treatment is helping?' could be a bit less confrontational than a statement if you're afraid of what other people might think. It might open up a conversation or prompt them to ask for your opinion.

How do we know when the help we're providing isn't helping?
One sign could be when a person just agrees with it without having much of an input. They could be just saying 'yeah yeah' to get you off their back. Another thing could be if they start getting angry or upset, or if they tell you that you're not being helpful.

How can you respond supportively if someone shares with you that they aren't finding help they are receiving helpful?
It's important to not take it personally. Sometimes, I've found it helpful to ask people in the past, 'How can I support you?', 'How can I make you feel better?' or 'What were you hoping to get out of chatting with me about this issue?'

Hi all!

Here are today's questions:
How do we know when the help we're providing isn't helping?
How can you respond supportively if someone shares with you that they aren't finding help they are receiving helpful?

Time for today's questions 🙂

Why do some people benefit from certain types of help (eg. therapy) and others don't?

Why isn't this form of help actually helping me? (i.e., are there aspects of the help that aren't effective for me or aren't as applicable)

How do you find alternative options to more traditional help?

What are some signs that something is or isn't working when seeking help?

It's probs different for everyone but personally if something isn't helping, I tend to shut down and it becomes about making me feel like the person helping is actually helping me lol.

A sign that help is helping, is when I find myself feeling calmer and thinking differently about whatever it is I'm going through. Those light bulb moment feels - that's when I know I'm on the right track with my help seeking. 

What options do you have when the 'help' you're getting isn't working for you?

Well, firstly I want to make a point that it's really easy (almost automatic for me) to blame myself that it isn't working. Thoughts like " I'm too difficult, I'm an idiot etc" will pop into my head. 

So, with that said I would say it's important to take a step back and be curious about why it isn't working. It could be that you don't share communication styles with the person helping, that the service isn't actually a good fit for you or that you might take more from a different form of help. 

Don't blame yourself, cut yourself some slack (i know its hard) and re-evaluate. You aren't a burden, you're just working shit out and it isn't easy work to do. 

How do we let professionals/our support system know that things just aren't working?

This one can be hard. I had a counselor who was telling me things I already knew. It was awkward for me because she was telling me stuff that we talk about all the time on the forums and I didn't know how to say "I actually tell people this myself, I need to go deeper into WHY I'm having these challenges and WHAT I need to do to rewire my brain. 

I ended up speaking to my case worker and he was able to organise a more suitable worker who was skilled in deep diving into the challenges I was having at the time. 

This thread is just what I needed to be reading right now. Thanks guys - reading over your conversation has given me a bit of a little light bulb moment like @Bre-RO mentioned. I'm feeling like a complete lost cause atm and like nothing is or ever will work for me. And yes, I'm blaming myself for it and do believe I'm a burden. So just reading over all your posts has helped me see it a little differently and realise like @Lost_Space_Explorer5 was trying to make me realise earlier, that maybe I need to re-evaluate and work out what my needs are so I can work out what help I need. Idk. (thankyou so much for linking me to this lost, I didn't think it would but it's actually helped a bit - see, you CAN help people!!). 

I noticed no one responded to the last lot of questions? If anyone has some advice with how to help yourself when things aren't working I'd be interested in hearing it. I just feel like I'm trying everything atm and nothing is working. I'm really stuck and not in a good place. Please don't carry on about coping strategies though.. I feel like I'm done with them 😂 

Also thanks for sharing those links @WheresMySquishy.

Glad you find this thread helpful and that it has given you a different perspective @MB95. I am sorry that you are struggling so much and feel as though nothing is helping. It is a pretty crap and tricky space to navigate  

To respond to your post/answer the question - a journal (as a mode of reflection) can help you work out what your needs are and also keep track of what is/isn't working and why. It can include outlining what you have found helpful/unhelpful when trying to get support/supporting yourself, which can be a good way of evaluating your current strategies/supports. You could write a prompt like, 'I felt most supported when XYZ' or 'I feel good when I do XYZ'. Journals aren't for everyone though (I use the notes app on my phone for a lot of things), so no biggie if you don't vibe with it.

Most importantly, I think being gentle and patient with yourself when things aren't working can go a long way.. which is the hardest part sometimes. Pay attention to statements that involve 'should', e.g. 'I should get over it, this should be working, I shouldn't have this problem' etc. Usually those statements don't feel too good or helpful.

How would you define "help"?

I think what @Anonymous has said is so important - help needs to be wanted by someone, and aligned to their needs and goals. I think it can be really easy for people to jump into problem solving mode, and even though that can come from a really good place it's not always want someone wants or needs - I think you nailed it @WheresMySquishy ,  sometimes people can be well-meaning but if you don't really listen to want someone wants and what their goals are then you may end up getting it really wrong.