Am I to blame?
Hi guys, I'm new to this site and I am looking for advice.
Recently, my ex gf cheated on me but I can't help but think I am to blame.
So, both of us are WHM's and this is my second year but it is her first year here. As I am from the UK, I no longer need to do regional work but she did because of her nationality and visa. I was renting a flat and had a job that saved me a good amount of money for our future travel plans. So, we discussed it and decided that we would do long distance but I would visit as often as I could whilst she was away for her regional work. After about 3 weeks away from each other, I decided that I wanted to be with her and move to her location. Once I said this, communication became distant and 1 day before my flight to her was set to depart, she told me she had slept with someone else. Was I wrong to focus on the future instead of living in the moment and going with her? I'm finding it hard to think otherwise.
Comments
I want to thank you all for responding to this, your words have helped me. I am currently waiting on my flight out of here to go and travel some more before heading home for a while. I have been in touch with my family and best friend regularly and that has helped. I am keeping myself active and have stopped drinking so I feel better physically.
I do find myself still analysing the situation in moments and it hurts that she is doing fine with all of this whilst I'm at my lowest point. But, like you guys say, I had the best intentions with my decisions. Maybe it was better that it happened now and not years down the line. Some things aren't meant to be. Now, I can't wait to leave and put this crappy chapter of life behind me.
Thanks again guys, I really appreciate you 🙂
Hi @Aggie2098
I am so happy to hear that you have been prioritising your mental and physical wellbeing throughout your healing journey. It sounds like your family and your best friend have been great pillars of support to help you navigate this situation.
Be gentle with yourself as you will likely experience moments of weakness and times where you ruminate over this loss. However, it is important to stay mindful of the present and that you deserve more in your life. Please don't hesitate to reach out again when things get tough, the community is here to support you 🤗
Hi @Aggie2098
Thank you for your vulnerability. I can sense your pain and self-doubt as you process this betrayal. I think it is of worth noting that your intentions were to provide for your future travel plans which included your then significant other. You decided to prioritise the longevity of the relationship over what you refer to as living in the moment. You then decided to follow in her footsteps and within a three week time frame she had cheated on you. I would like you to think for a moment on whether it is reasonable to cheat on your partner following a mutual agreement on a long-distance relationship. I'd also like to ask you to take a moment for yourself during this difficult and heart-shattering time and consider what attributes you value in a partner to feel safe, loved, seen, and respected (and whether this partner embodied those traits).
Please be gentle with yourself. You do not deserve this betrayal, it is not your fault. Cheating is an act of selfishness which terminates trust and respect, all of which a relationship stands on. The community is here to support you through this difficult time 🤗
How have you been managing these feelings for the past few days? Do you have any new thoughts? Looking forward to hearing from you!
Hey @Aggie2098, that’s a tough situation, and I’m really sorry you’re going through it. But honestly, it doesn’t sound like you’re to blame here.
You made a decision together to do long distance so you could set up a future for the two of you. It’s completely reasonable to focus on your job and saving money—those are important things for anyone planning to travel and build a life together.
Cheating is on her, not on you. It’s not about whether you should’ve been living in the moment or not. You were trying to make it work, and that’s commendable. Sometimes people make choices that hurt others, and that’s on them, not you.
It’s normal to question things when something like this happens, but try not to beat yourself up over it. You did your best💕
Hey @Aggie2098 I am so sorry to hear about this - this is such a rough situation. Someone else's decision to betray your trust is entirely their own fault - not yours. It sounds like you were very committed to the relationship - please don't blame yourself for your partner's decision not to be. Have you shared this with friends or family? Things might be tricky for a while and it is okay to feel all of the feelings - that's so normal. Take care of yourself during this time ❤️
Hi there @Aggie2098
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I don't think that your partner cheating on you was your fault. Sometimes relationships can be unpredictable, and unfortunate things like cheating can occur. It seems as though you had the best of intentions, tried to make it work, tried to visit as often as possible, and planned for the future. That's all that one can really ask for, a partner who is good enough and puts in the effort. Sometimes needs of yourself and your partner don't align, which can cause cheating, especially in long-distance relationships. It was not your fault.
I'm wondering if you're receiving any other support for this? Do you have friends and family you can bring this up to outside the forums? Perhaps a counsellor?
In the meanwhile, please look after yourself and be gentle with yourself. You are not to blame 💜
Hi @Aggie2098
Firstly, I want to wish you a warm welcome to ReachOut! I am so very proud of you for deciding to seek advice here and even more proud for opening up and sharing what has been happening for you with everyone here.
Secondly, I do not think you are wrong to focus on the future; of course, living in the moment is important, but having future goals and working towards those is also just as important. I want to remind you that it is okay for plans to change, so going long distance for a while and then deciding that you wanted to be with her and move to where she is very valid. I've had similar changes in plans with my current partner, with whom I used to be in a long-distance relationship, but I am currently living with them in QLD.
It must have been absolutely destroying being told by her that she slept with someone else, especially just the day before you were set to fly out to her. The communication becoming distant must have also been really difficult; what kinds of feelings did this give you? Please try not to blame yourself for what has happened, her cheating on you is not your fault!
Sadly, we do not always know or understand why a partner decides to cheat on us, and there is nothing we could have done to necessarily prevent it from happening. Whether you had moved with her straight away or taken the path you did, there is no way to have predicted/known she would sleep with someone; those are her own actions.
Have you spoken to anyone else about what has happened? Like friends, family, or a mental health professional? Gaining their support and leaning on them can really help during times like this. If you feel like you are really struggling or need someone to talk to, there is always Headspace and Kids Helpline available for support. Hopefully, some others on here will provide further comments/support as well; this may help you feel a bit better.
It might take some time to process what has happened and also to figure out what to do next in life. In the meantime, be sure to practice self-care and take care of yourself. What are some things that you enjoy doing that normally make you feel good?
Take care,
- Matcha_Toad 🐸🍵💚
