Constantly setting boundaries is exhausting me
This year is my final and hardest year of uni, and I'm also struggling with my dad's cancer diagnosis and treatment. But the thing that is really tiring me out is the fact I'm constantly setting boundaries and cutting ties. Some of these were a long time coming, but others either have gotten worse recently or only cropped up this year. I can list out a few of them:
- A girl that I was supposed to cooperate with, who constantly would ask me for answers to her work but wouldn't reciprocate or help me in return
- An ex-friend who ranted to me about some unsavoury things I couldn't agree with, and then his gf sending a seedy message fishing for info when my friend decided to cut him out on our behalf
- Asking for easier students to teach at my tutoring job and refusing ones that were too difficult or asking way too much of me personally
- On Thursday, telling a friend that she was emotionally draining me
- A different friend who I can't see because she's so absorbed in her own negativity it would hurt my mental health
- Not contributing as much to my uni club anymore even though I would love to
I'm really lucky that I have people who are being supportive of me and even trying to take some of the weight off my shoulders, but it's still really hard. I'm usually a person who gives too much and identifies too closely with other's issues, so going from 150% to 0% in some cases is like pulling myself off a sticky wall. I know I'm leaving certain people disappointed and even in a lurch by having to suddenly back out, and I do feel guilty for going from hot to cold very suddenly and without warning. But I also know if I don't it will hurt my mental health even more and that they just have to handle themselves. But how do I find a way to get back to things that make me happy and prioritising my own joy when every week I'm in defensive mode for another issue?
How are things going? Hey everyone, I thought I'd come back here with an update it helped getting out of my head a bit. I've been going really well with the spaces and boundaries that I've been putting in place in general. But I need to talk about this one person though, who I thought was a good friend of mine until maybe now.
This friend always hyperfixates on new friendships and relationships that she's in, basically becoming MIA and incredibly difficult to get in touch with, although when you see her she's great. Last year she got into a relationship and it happened again- she went from being very frequently around on messenger to not reading messages for days at a time. At one point when she continuously left me on read for most of a week I confronted her and told her how hurtful it was that she just disappeared on me and I felt like she didn't even want me in her life anymore. She apologised and thanked me for calling her out because she knew it was something I'd mentioned before.
She was struggling with some mental health issues earlier this year. We went on a short trip and I pulled more than my weight to make sure she was comfortable, which she said she was really grateful for because she could see that I was struggling too and wanted to repay me for. She also has said how much she appreciated it when I checked up on her frequently and was basically on the mend, except that I kept my distance because I knew about this behaviour.
So with that in mind, last week I told her that we had suprisingly found out that my dad needs chemo, literally four days before he began treatment. She left me on read for two days, asked a really basic question about it, then has left me on read since Sunday.
Needless to say, I'm so incredibly hurt by this. I feel betrayed that someone I thought I could work on things with, and who was a fantastic friend up until literally last year, wouldn't even have the time to give me a response to something like that. I don't even feel confident sending her a message about how upset I am until she replies, and who knows when that'll happen. And frankly, I don't have time for someone to be acting like this and upsetting me, as I've already had some academic issues this week that I need to be focused on for next week. Any advice, or even a listening ear, would be more than appreciated.
Hey @StormySeas17 thank you for the update. It's great to hear that you’ve been doing well sticking to and respecting your boundaries.
I’m really sorry to hear about your friend not being there for you when you need her. It sounds like they have been a part of your life for a long time, and you would expect such a friend to be there when you need them. I can imagine how betrayed you must feel when you’ve been there to support them but they don't offer the same care in return. Do you think it would be helpful to give yourself some space/time away from this person?
I'm also sorry to hear about your dad’s health. How have you and the family been coping recently?
@Eleanor-RO thanks for your reply. Just having a vent about it has made me feel a lot better 🙂
I am really hurt, not just because of the length of our relationship because that's not always indicative of quality, but by how obvious it is that this change has happened since she got into a relationship. And that despite knowing her poor communication hurt me in the past it's not something she seems to want to work on, even when I need her support. Space and time is kind of a given seeing as she won't even get back to me. But I don't really see how this can be fixed in one conversation, or at all. All of this learning about boundaries has told me not to give too much to people who won't/can't give it in return, or appreciate me. I know I'm a high quality and important friend for her, but she isn't being that for me, so what can I do?
Honestly it's been really tough. I had a panic attack in an exam last week that I was super unprepared for- luckily the uni also messed up my exam provisions so I'm sitting it again this coming week. A couple of my other friends rallied around me when this happened, one drove up to my uni to get a hot chocolate with me, and then another drove from work to meet up with us. They've been amazing and better friends than I could ever ask for, which is why I'm just questioning why I would invest emotional space in expecting more from this person. I've called it 'grieving' in the past when I've lost friends and it's a really mixed experience, but I'm trying to get to a stage where I just don't 'care so much'.
Hey @StormySeas17 I'm glad to hear that venting about this has made you feel a lot better.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend and just how betrayed and hurt you feel by their actions. This really is such an awful situation to be in so I think its so understandable that you feel this way. It sounds like you have already tried so much to make this friendship work but she still seems to leave you on read. A friendship like this can be repaired but it will take both of you to rebuild the trust and support required. You have shown just how much you care about this friend so its really hard when we don't recieive that same level of care back, especially not when we need it most.
Panic attacks are horrible so i'm really sorry to hear that you had one last week. That is so great to hear about your other friends though and just how supportive they have been! It sounds like you've got some really great friends and support around you right now. I can see why it might leave you questioning though. Setting boundaries can be really hard but like you mentioned, you have been a high quality and important friend to her but she hasn't been that for you. I also just want to say that this just shows how kind and compassionate you are as a person, so I hope you are showing yourself the same level of care you show to others.
We're all here for you 💜
Hey @Eleanor-RO @Courtney-RO I have an update.
She finally read my messages last night and basically said that she thought she'd replied to them, and then replied as if it hadn't been a week or anything. I got upset at her not even bothering to check in after all this time and she knew that she had messed up and understood why I was angry at her. I ended up saying that I wasn't angry anymore, just tired because I felt like I'd lost a friend and even though I'd tried everything to maintain the friendship I was at a loss for what to do now. She came back and basically said that she can't be the consistent person that I want her to be, but that she does care about me and think about me a lot and that she's not forgetting me even though she doesn't reach out. I replied by saying that I can't even tell that she does care because she doesn't give me any signs that she does when things like this happen, and that it feels like if I don't reach out to her that I don't exist in her world, and whether our friendship is something she thinks about but doesn't act on these days. She hasn't replied but I gave her an open invitation saying that I wouldn't be asking if I didn't want to work on it. I'm sure she will reply at some point, we just left it very late last night. I might even send a clarifier now that I feel a bit calmer this morning.
I'm really conflicted now. It did make me feel good to know that she does care about me, and I'm glad that she owned up and said that she wouldn't be able to fix it, because I knew she couldn't. But I'm not sure what the best thing to do about our friendship, past and present, is. On one hand, I'd like to just push all of this aside now that I've said my bit and try to find a way to make it work because I really do value her as a person. But on the other hand, I'm not sure if it would be better to let it slide into obscurity anyway, just because the reality is I can't handle a friendship that is so inconsistent without it taking a disproportionate mental toll on me, and I'm definitely sick of having this fight for both of our sakes.
hey @StormySeas17 this sounds so difficult and exhausting and I can understand why you have a sense of grief mixed in about the way this friendship is going. That's beautiful how your other friends came to visit you and rally around you and that's absolutely the type of supportive friendship you deserve. It seems like the ball is in your friend's court right now as to whether she wants to really put in effort to repair the friendship. To me, the amount of effort should be equal on both sides. You have worked really hard to express your needs, keep the friendship alive and support your friend, but if she doesn't mirror that effort, you will definitely keep feeling that mental toll. I can see you have gotten great advice from @Eleanor-RO and @Courtney-RO so I just wanted to chime in and say I'm with you!!
Hey @StormySeas17 ,
Thanks for keeping us updated 💜
That sounds like a heavy conversation, although these conversations need to be had at times. If you value a friendship, honesty and openness are so important and it's great that you have addressed these concerns with her. Did you end up sending a clarifier this morning?
I can imagine it would feel good to hear that your friend does care and think about you. It is helpful to know that your friend isn't able to be the consistent friend you need at the moment. It sounds like you really value this friendship and have been putting in a lot of thought and time to keep it going. I know the mental toll you describe, the feeling of hurt and disappointment when you feel like you’re losing a friend you care about. Although it could be that the friendship is growing apart, it doesn't mean it has to end if you don't want it too. Long-term friendships can have their moments of closeness and distance. I think it's really important you are asking yourself these questions, about whether or not you want the friendship to continue and whether it's worth the mental toll it causes. We’re here if you want to explore this further.
Hey @Courtney-RO @Eleanor-RO @lemurien I have some good news after having had a very heavy conversation on both sides where we got to say our bit. I think our friendship is going to be okay- I found out that she's been going through a lot of difficult stuff recently (like myself), but she told me that she wants to see me more and that she wants to keep our friendship going. She basically said that she understands that the way she acts makes me question our friendship, it's not intentional but she sometimes blanks on friendships (due to ADHD) and because of that she would rather me tell her so that she can be there for me if I need it. I asked her if she needed some space because of everything going on with her- she asked if she could see me soon because she missed me. We've been chatting back and forth since then and funnily enough I had to say that I needed to study so it's okay for us to continue when we see each other next 😅 For now I'm going to see if I can see her in person more consistently because I feel like that would help to gauge how our friendship is going and maybe would be a better way to manage it overall.
That being said, I think it's very true that friendships change over time and that's something that I need to find ways to address within myself and not just in the other person. I've realised that I value friendships a lot and I find it hard to cope with, hence why I toss back and forth a lot but also why I have a lot of friends. I've realised that I've been pretty lonely recently because a lot of friends have started working full-time, and then a couple of my other friends live far away so I don't see them frequently. I think I need to find ways to keep myself occupied but it's been hard with everything going on to not want to have someone lift my energy for me.
Hey @StormySeas17
That is great news! Thanks for sharing – I’m really glad to hear that you’ve been able work things out mostly.
Its funny isn’t it that once we really understand what another person has been going through, we can make sense of things a lot more.
Seeing each other face to face can definitely be a lot easier to convey whats going on for us as well as checking in with the other person.
We all need to connect with others. I think there is nothing wrong with reaching out to our friends for support when we need it, but I think youre right about not relying on this 100%, that may we also need to be able to have our own self care strategies that don’t depend on someone else. What do you do for self care?
Here is a great article on self care that may be helpful.
Hey @TOM-RO I feel like you've said that to me before 😆 Or I've said it to you.
Thank you for the article! I like the idea of going on personal dates, I haven't been able to do that much because of exams and I do want to get out more, if I can figure out where to go in the cold! Unfortunately I realised that I've been having a mental health relapse, I've been really agitated and restless and overall not at my best. I'm going to have to spend the next while figuring out how to live a more balanced life. I suppose there's nowhere to go from here but forward.
Hey @StormySeas17
The exam period can be a very busy and all-consuming time, so its understandable that you have not had much time to go on personal dates. Finding things to do when its super cold can be tricky as well. If you can rug up, do you have some ideas about what you could do for personal dates?
I am sorry to hear that you are going through a mental health relapse but it is great that you are aware of this and you are making a conscious effort to take the time to reflect on how you can live a more balanced life. It can be tough when you are not feeling like your best self but please know that this is normal and many people go through this, especially when there are various external stressors that can impact our mental health. I’d love to hear some of your ideas about what you think you could do to live a more balance in your life 😊
hey @StormySeas17 I wrote a reply before but I don't think it went through! I just wanted to say that I'm really impressed and proud of you for setting boundaries in so many areas of your life, it must have been stressful and taken a lot of strength. I'm inspired by you 🙂
I read a post online recently that I think you might get something out of. I will include it as a screenshot at the end of this reply because I don't think reachout liked it when I posted a link. but basically, we often think of setting boundaries as something we do against other people, something we have to do to fight for our rights even though it hurts and upsets others. But we can actually think of setting boundaries as something we do for other people as well as ourselves, because it makes our relationships clearer and safer for everyone involved, and that benefits everyone. I hope that makes sense? obviously a lot of people do get mad when we set boundaries 😑 but I liked the reminder that boundaries aren't just a way of putting ourselves first, they are also a way to help others feel safer with us.
Hi @lemurien thank you so much for writing out your reply, again 😆
Thank you so much for this interpretation. I honestly really enjoyed it. As you might remember from a previous convo I had with you I'm really into the idea of personal authenticity, and having boundaries really should be a part of that. I've found that setting boundaries with friends has been the most rewarding- for one of my friends who I mentioned was emotionally draining me, I had a good conversation about how I communicate and how it was different to them. I can also see that one of my friends sets her boundaries in all of the wrong places (she'll have incredibly harsh boundaries with work but none with her family, for example) and she's really struggling to fix it- I can only support her from afar! I'm sure that all of this is going to set me up really well for my working life, I'm already noticing how fed up I'm getting with doing extra outside of what I'm supposed to do which I used to just put up with, and that's great. I guess it's one of those 'life lessons' but man the universe is testing me. I hope it all pays off!
hey @StormySeas17 I just wanted to say I'm really impressed and proud of you for setting boundaries in so many areas of your life, it must have been confronting and exhausting. you inspire me 🙂 I read a post online recently that I think you might get something out of. this is the whole post, but tl;dr, we often think of setting boundaries as something we do against other people, something we have to do to fight for our rights even though it hurts and upsets others. But we can actually think of setting boundaries as something we do for other people as well as ourselves, because it makes our relationships clearer and safer for everyone involved, and that benefits everyone. I hope that makes sense? obviously a lot of people do get mad when we set boundaries 😑 but I liked the reminder that boundaries aren't just a way of putting ourselves first, they are also a way to help others feel safer around us. wishing you well 🙂
oops I guess the original reply did go through.. sorry for the repetition 😆
Hey @StormySeas17 thank you for sharing with us today.
I'm sorry to hear that so much is going on at the moment. From uni to your dad's diagnosis, thats a lot to be dealing with. I can only imagine how overwhelming and stressful things must feel right now. Is there someone you feel comfortable talking to about this at all?
Setting boundaries are not easy but they are important in order to protect our mental health. They can also help us build self-esteem and identify our values. It's normal to feel guilty though, it shows just what a kind and caring person you are. But you also need to remember that you're important too. I always find it helpful to reflect on boundaries too and ask myself if setting them has made things a little easier on me. Is there maybe something nice you could do for yourself tonight to help you feel a little better?
Just remember that you're not alone and we're always here for you 💜
@Courtney-RO I'll be honest and say that I didn't even realise how much this was affecting me until the other week when we had to study cancer in class. The teacher recommended the Canteen website and I've arranged to have a counselling intake with them this week 🙂 so I'm hoping that they can help me process things.
I definitely agree that setting boundaries has made me feel better overall and less pulled at from all sides. It's really nice getting my time and brain space back to myself. The thing that is hurting a lot is feeling manipulated for my kindness. Without going into too much detail, at least two people completely sidelined my situation and kept demanding my help even when I was clearly getting to capacity. It was very hurtful to realise that despite all of their niceties, it was all for show because I was helping them and it immediately went away when I wasn't doing what they wanted. I'm super grateful that I managed to escape those people before their behaviour impacted my studies too badly. It's hard not to start feeling selfish and wishing I could be the giving person I want to be, but I am important and them showing their true colours made it easier to see my own worth and to act quickly on it.
I ended up playing a videogame with my dad last night which was super fun, but as the event I'm describing above has only occurred over the last few days I've been feeling pretty traumatised. I worry that I haven't had time or energy for my hobbies overall, and I'm just hoping it gets better over time.
It sounds like this has really snuck up on you. It must have been quite confronting to suddenly realise the significant impact that this has been having on you. I think that it is great that you might have a new support to process things with. We are always here if you need to chat too 💖
I can hear that you have had so so much on your plate. On top of that, it sounds like you have been quite helpful and selfless towards others, even though you have been struggling yourself. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and manipulated. From what you are saying, it sounds like you were going out of your way to help these particular people and that they took advantange of your giving nature. It must have been so upsetting to realise this, especially as you think their niceness was for show as well. As you said, this is only a very recent thing and it might take some time before you have more time for yourself. I know it is very hard right now but I hope things get better for you. You deserve to prioritise yourself - you have a very special energy.
