Exploding Mind (Trigger warning: abuse and suicidal thoughts)
Hi. Ever since I was born, I was bullied for my complexion. People would call me the n word, and teased me about it all the time. When I entered elementary, people started calling me names like “Love Poison Girl” because half of the guys in our room liked and started courting me.
In background of that (why it would take months before he could ever do something to me), our mom was an ofw and she left me to my grandma when I was four months. Eventually, I grew up with my grandma so I'm living with her now.
However, no matter how much scared I was at her, I would still run to my grandma all the time. Especially when things with my brother happened.
I had also developed some trauma/phobia about my father because he would hurt us when he's drunk. I can still remember how he tried to chase and scare me everytime I'd cry when I was a kid (he was living under his brother's roof and I was in my grandma's). I can still how he'd try to threaten us when he's mad, especially when he was drunk.
My father was a hard drinker. My brother was a molester.
My mother had favoritism. And my sister was a spoiled (but she and my brother was my parents favorite). Lastly, I am not my grandmas favorite and she's kind of always yelling at me so my mental health is at stake rn.
Aside from that, I just had a heartbreak from my previous relationship. He's making me feel how fine he is that I'm not in his life anymore. Well, even I, myself, hated being me. I hate myself more than anyone else could. Our three years relationship was toxic, but I loved him for real. I seek love from him which was I didn't feel from my family. But in the end, he left me. He liked another girl who's more fine and pretty than me. So who was I to complain? I'm just some nobody with mental health issues.
Next to that, I have no friends. Whatever I do and no matter how hard I try to be friendly, people would always leave me.
Another thing, my closest cousin was diagnosed with autism. My other closest cousins were talking behind my back (when I tried to backread in our gc, they were all talking about me in a meanest and harsh manner).
Now, I'd always go feel empty. I lost interest in everything. And when I'm sad, I'd go think about suicide because I don't feel like this life... has purpose. I am worthless. And no matter how hard I try to do something, it would end up in nothing.
How would I stop feeling empty? What should I do to socialize with people again? I don't have money for a therapist, and I have no one to listen to me. I'm only a teenager who doesn't know where this life is going. I'm just... so broken inside that I, myself, has no idea on how to fix it. Everything feels empty. Help me.
Comments
Hey @Lavender_Pony
I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, you don't deserve any of that. I hope you're in a safe space now. You are worthy, and we're all here for you if you need more support. Please feel free to talk to us more if you want ❤️❤️❤️
@Lavender_Pony firstly I wanted to let you know that I've edited your post and added a trigger warning and some spoilers so it fits within our guidelines, as some topics can be distressing for people reading posts on the forums.
We will also email you, but I wanted to post here to say I'm so sorry for all you've been through and all you're going through, it's more than anyone should have to cope with. We care about you, so when you say you're feeling empty and worthless and that you've thought about suicide, it's really worrying.
I want to ask - are you safe? Do you have anything that helps you to manage when you feel depressed? Things that give you a sense of purpose?
You've mentioned that you don't have anyone to listen to you and I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so alone. Is there anyone in your life you trust who you might be able to talk to? Eg. a relative or family friend? Or could you perhaps connect with a service near you - this website might be a helpful starting point to find services.
You matter, you are important and you deserve to be supported.
