TW: Slow progress, but I'm getting there
I dunno if this is the right section, but eh. This is probably more of a vent because I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk about this with currently. I don't know how this community works with these kinds of posts, so feel free to remove if it's irrelevant or whatever.
I've recently moved out of home after finishing my studies. It's helped me see a lot of problem areas with family and within myself.
Started seeing a psychologist not long ago and it's definitely helped.
Today we talked about issues with my mum and why I struggle to see any value in myself. I haven't been in tears during a session quite as much as I was during this one.
Apparently my behaviour when I was a kid is actually explainable, and the fact that my mother never stepped in when my father took punishments too far has severely affected my ability to form a strong connection with her and be able to feel like she's someone I can trust. And by having this detachment I was unable to help remove my sister from her sexual abuse from our father.
To clarify, I had nothing to do with the abuse, I had however witnessed it briefly but never spoke up about it. My brain just shut that out completely.
Anyway, my psychologist is slowly helping me to understand that there is value in me and that people enjoy spending time with me for a reason. But I don't know if I can hold our long enough for me to reach that point. Anyone got any good readings or something to help me along the way and to understand this stuff a bit better?
Comments
Hey @Mrcow, you've posted in the right section and your post isn't irrelevant at all. It can be hard to put a post out there, so well done on doing that for tonight.
Also congratulations on moving out of home and finishing your studies. They are no easy feats! I imagine realising problem areas in yourself and your family must have been bittersweet. While it can give you areas to focus on, it can also be quite confronting... there might be so many things that you never realised were issues and they can all come to the surface.
I am sorry to hear about what you went through as a kid. It must have been hard to wait until now to find an explanation for your behaviour. I can hear that what you experienced was really difficult and has continued to have a huge impact on you. It is upsetting to know that it has changed how you value yourself and your relationships with others, including your Mum. What you said makes a lot of sense and I am so glad that you have been able to find a psychologist to talk this out with. It isn't easy to open up and you have come so far in your journey to be able to do that.
There are quite a few books out there depending on how you want to approach it. I would encourage you to have a look at some of the ones I have mentioned and make your own choice about whether they sound right for you. There are some self worth books such as:
- The Portable Therapist - Susanna McMahon
- The Happiness Trap - Dr. Russ Harris
There are also some books that have a trauma focus. They can be heavy and confronting to read, so I would suggest being aware of your triggers and limits. You could also chat to your therapist about these recommendations or ask them to suggest their own. If you do feel impacted (or if you would ever like to talk things out), you can always have a chat to some of the services listed here. They are:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel van der Kolk.
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing - Bruce Perry.
I hope that helps. If you need any other help or want to report back on how your journey is going, we will look forward to hearing from you again.
Also, just so you know, I will be sending you an email too if you don't mind keep an eye out for that 
Thank you very much for the book recommendations, I'll bring them up next week and see whether I should read through some of them! And I appreciate you taking some time out of your day to write up those messages, means a lot ❤️
