How can I stop comparing myself to others?
How can I stop comparing myself to others? Academically, I’m almost a straight A student but I can’t stop comparing myself to my friends. I got a 94 on my test today and I feel like crap because my friend got 98 and I feel stupid…
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Comparing yourself to others is something that we do in alot of areas in our lives.In my experience of comparing myself, I would never feel happy and satisfied after learning that someone did better than me. And I completely get what you're going through.
I can assure you that this happens with a lot of us from a young age,and it continues to adulthood. It's like a learnt human nature, through cultures or family. So be too harsh on yourself if you do compare grades and other stuff. The key is to un-learn the urge to compare by focusing on yourself!
Like others, have pointed out, reflecting can help out. However, I just want to give you a heads up that sometimes when you reflect on things like comparison, you end up blaming yourself even more. And it makes you feel even worse than before.
I would like to share a mini routine I follow to get the horrible feelings out of me after comparing:
1.) List your own plans and goals
The first thing I do is think about my plans and goals. Something I want to achieve. This helps me stop thinking about others and it makes me focus on my ownself.
2.) Make a Plan
Then I reflect on what steps I need to take inorder to achieve my goals. It makes me feel incharge of my journey. Achieving the goal becomes a mission and once you feel like a main character in an alternate universe.
3.) Keep Reminding Yourself of your Main Goal
There will be a lot of times when you'll doubt your plan and there'll be even more times when you'll be end up comparing yourself again. In these times, it's really important to be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you have your own goal, and you are doing your best to reach your goal.
4.) Recharge & Repeat
Remember to reward yourself each time you get a step closer to your main goal. And repeat the routine whenever you fall back into the rabbit hole of comparing yourself.
Note: if at any point you feel severely affected by comparing yourself to others, i.e: you feel depressed/ or stressed and pressured. Please talk to a school counsellor, or reach out to helplines such as Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636.
I hope this helps a bit. Let us know what worked and what didn't, as sometimes you just have to trial and error before finding the right method for yourself.
Take care.
Hey @iamchappellroan,
I hear you as comparing yourself to others can be really rough, especially when you’re already doing so well but still feel like it’s not enough.
94 is an amazing score, but I get how it doesn’t feel that way when you’re focused on what someone else got. It’s so easy to get caught up in that cycle, but your worth isn’t tied to a test score, and it definitely isn’t less just because someone got a few points higher.
Maybe it would help to focus more on your own progress rather than how you measure up to others? Like, did you put in the effort? Did you learn something new? What things can I work on for next time I'm experiencing a similar situation?Those things can be super important too.
You’re doing great, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you deserve to be proud of yourself. 💛
Hi @iamchappellroan,
94 is an impressive score! Great job 😊
That said, I can understand the feeling of comparing yourself to someone who has gotten a higher score even though yours was amazing as well. I was also an almost straight A student in highschool and took heavy importance on academic validation. While I don’t normally feel competitive with my friends, sometimes I couldn’t help but feel bad when they receive a higher score than me on tests, especially in ones I was really interested in and felt that I was good at. It was never a great feeling, but it was there.
I reflected on this a lot; on my achievements, my strengths, my weaknesses, and on why I feel that getting a lower score from my peers feels like I’m not smart enough or that I’m not doing enough. I realised that a lot of it came from the fact that I grew up in a culture where grades were a competition as well as feeling like I wasn’t good at anything except studying. I realised that I was more focused on proving myself to everyone that I am smart than acknowledging and celebrating my achievements. Do you feel like this is something you would resonate with? Or do you think there are other things that could have been making you feel this way?
As the others have suggested, reflecting on this will be a really great help. It’ll help you understand yourself more like your feelings and your motivations. And then you can address each one that you think is not good one by one. After my self-reflection, I started making efforts to be kinder to myself. I celebrated the wins, and I also let myself feel sad about the not-so-good results without being too hard on myself. Being kind to yourself can be difficult, but you’ve already started this when you acknowledged that you have to stop yourself from comparing yourself to others and then seeking support about it. So good on you for reaching out 😊
In any case, getting a 94 is amazing, and while you don’t feel like it right now, it really is a fantastic feat that is worth celebrating. Sometimes we can’t help but compare ourselves to others, especially to our peers, but I know you’ve been doing your best and that is already amazing. I wish you all the best!
You should be incredibly proud of yourself for getting a 94 that is such a high achievement.
With that being said though, have you reflected on this a bit? One of the things I will often reflect on with grades and when I compare them to my peers I will generally ask myself is a class that I love and am committed to, if was I struggling in this class and if the areas I got wrong are my strongest points. One of my other prompts is asking myself what else is going on in my life that I could potentially have impacted this result. It helps me clear my mind and see where I need to improve next time.
When it comes to your peers maybe this is a class they do well in or a topic they enjoy, it can make all the difference sometimes and this could potentially be a topic that you weren't as interested in. You can acknowledge that they got a grade but sometimes I find not asking what other people got or listening to them when they try to tell me can help me compare less and still celebrate my achievements that I want to. And sometimes my expectation of a grade is different to theirs.
I think it is important to celebrate your wins, you may feel stupid but 94 is an amazing achievement and it is just important to take care of yourself. So focus on some self-care, keep grades personal and focus on the hobbies that make you happy. Otherwise have a discussion with your teacher on how to improve on your next test, it might help provide clarity on where you went wrong and what it is you need to do next time but also feel better about your achievements.
Hii @iamchappellroan
(Love your usename by the wayy!)
94 is crazy good! Major major props to you :))
With that being said, I wonder if you're celebrating your achievement? Do you study to be the top of your class? Are you potentially unconsciously competing with your peers for gratification? Are your peers encouraging the competitive environment with needing to know each others grades?
Doing well in school can sometimes become a huge aspect of our personality and who we are as people. For example, you could feel like it's the main thing people know you for, or see you as. Sometimes getting good grades leads to external gratification from our parents which might translate into our other personal relationships.
It could also feel like a job in some sense with that need to continually maintain "perfect" scores. You acknowledge that you're 'almost' a straight A student. It doesn't sound like you're particuarly happy with that - but that you feel like you have something to work on.
Goals are great - it gives us a sense of purpose, drive and passion, and there is always something new to do, learn and hone our skills on. But is your passion to do well or to learn something and have that reflected in your grades?
You also acknowledge how your friend got a slightly higher grade. That absolutely does not make you stupid - but it might show how you feel uncomfortable with the idea of those closest to your supposedly challenging your sense of identity.
It's so standard to say that your answer is 'focus on yourself and not on others' because what does that truly mean? That tells us nothing. But I encourage you to use those prompts I've outlined above and sit with them to see whether they change your perspective.
What I did with my friends was completely stop mentioning grades. I might say I was 'really happy' and end it there. Everyone eventually followed on, and our time together would be about things other than grades. For example, complaining about the coursework 🥲
I did this knowing that how I felt about my grades was my business alone. It was my grade and I would embrace it in my way - not through the lens of how other's did.
If I wasn't on the right track let me know. This is a really, really tricky skill to develop but I applaud your efforts in acknowledging how you're feeling!
Hi there @iamchappellroan
94 is such an impressive score, well done! 🥳
It sounds like you're having a hard time celebrating this achievement, and comparing your score to the 98 that your friend received. I'm wondering if there's anything you can do to shift the focus from this comparison, such as doing something to celebrate the score that you received? Would it also be possible to perhaps reframe this comparison into a different emotion, such as being proud of your friend (and yourself) for achieving an excellent score?
I think another thing to keep in mind, though probably very similar to what I've just discussed, is the virtue of being kind to yourself 💜 as a fellow high achiever, I can understand the disappointment of others beating the score you've received. I felt this very strongly at university, and was very competitive. Looking back, what I've realised is that I wish I had stopped to celebrate my scores and achievements instead of following the pursuit to score higher than others. I worked so hard to achieve my excellent scores, I now figure I should have celebrated my efforts. Let me know if any of this resonates with you 🖤
Best wishes!!
